Breaking through the Fibrofog…

You know you’re losing touch with someone when you find out they are getting married via there blog. I could cry but I’ve resigned myself to becoming selfish and will not let someone else destroy my positive week. I’ve learned from way too many failed friendships and sadly enough from my father’s lovely example of fatherhood, that you shouldnt expect much from people. Trust is not a given. With me it must be earned over and over again for me to believe that you are truly in it for the long haul. It’s sad when the one person you thought would always be there isnt anymore. I am coming to grips with the idea that I must not be a very good person to be friends with. I now have no close friends cept my hubby and am resigned to spend my girl chats w/ my mom. I dont mind that so much but it is a painful reminder how sad and pitiful I am at relationships. But like I said, why ruin a good week with negativity?

I am spending the day solo, which doesnt help me feel anymore alone than possible. I am actually enjoying it. Still in my jammies and it’s almost 4 pm. I’ve been doing laundry, dishes, baking cookies and watching Lifetime movies. Ah…it takes me back to lazy Sunday afternoons as a teen. But back then I’d have a girlfriend to hang out with.

Two more days to my first day of work. I dont know how its possible but I am excited and upset about it all at the same time. I am missing Calebs lots today as he’s out with Dean, but it might be good for him to get used to being away from me, and me from him. I think it will be lots harder for me though!

Well back to enjoying my lazy Saturday…

It’s Friday, my last full day as a stay at home mom. It wasnt quite a normal day though, Dean only worked half a day since his friend is in from out of town. I was lucky enough to get a nap in this afternoon, I’ve been very rundown this last week, mostly my own stress induced illness. I enjoyed being able to rest without worrying about Caleb getting up from his nap before me since Dean was home. We headed downtown this evening to go to the Aquarium to enjoy the last night of their off season discount friday night prices. Apparently everyone was trying to go for cheaper so it was jammed pack. Which made it hard to keep up w/ the kids. But I still enjoyed it a lot.

We’re home now, and I am once again exhausted. I think it’s mostly from worrying about whats to come in the next week. Monday I start work. I dont even know what my schedule will be yet, I am supposed to hear from my new boss tomorrow, thats when she is figuring out who will be doing what on Monday. Dean has to drop his friend to the airport Monday morning so I am hoping everything will work out time wise, but I am scared it wont, since we only have the one vehicle.

Not sure what the weekend holds for me. The guys want to go to DC tomorrow and I truly do not. Dean really wants me to go with but I think I could use a day to do what I want to do, without Caleb. I know it’s odd as I approach going towards time when I wont have much time w/ him, as I go back to work, but I think if this is going to work I am going to need some time to myself to really come to grips with these changes and the think about things. This is very hard for me, going back to work. Just a few weeks ago I was saying how we were doing really well paying bills w/ just one paycheck. But then we had our first new car payment and higher insurance payment, leaving little to no money for health insurance. We will be ok in a few weeks, I am hoping. bad thing is we have to pay for childcare costs ahead of time which is money we really dont have. This will be the first time in months that we’ve had to pay bills late, but once things get going we should be fine. I just hope I can hold out long enough to realize we need the money. I mean I am content to be poor and be at home, if we had other health insurance there’d be no question that I could stay home,but we dont know when or if that will happen with Dean’s work. So until then, back to work I go. I get teary eyed just thinking about leaving my baby……thank God its only Friday

Spent the last two days running around getting paper work taken care of for my new job. Dragged Caleb along w/ me today, forgot to change his diaper for like a good 4 hours, finally did and he was drenched. We were going here there and everywhere. This is a complete change from our usual leave the house and do maybe one thing a week. Next week we will be at daycare all day. I feel like I should be using this last week of being home to enjoy him but theres just too much to do. Having guests this weekend so today when we finally got home and Caleb napped I had to do cleaning and laundry. Hoping that tomorrow is restful and that we can spend lots of cuddle time together. Tomorrow night our guests arrive, a friend of Dean’s from Ohio and his son. The boys are going to have fun together, the big ones and little ones. Me, I am hoping to get away to spend some time w/ my mom shopping.

I applied for a job this morning. Had the job before the afternoon was out. I start working as soon as the all the paperwork is done, could be as soon as Friday or Monday. Dont know if I am happy or not. I will going to being a stay at home mom to working a 40 hour week outside the home. I want to cry but I am also proud of myself for getting the job and even being motivated to do so. I really will miss being at home, but I guess we all make sacrifices.

It’s amazing how much better I am feeling. Even after I blogged yesterday I was doing somewhat better. It’s a miracle that for the first time ever in my life pepto bismol actually worked. Maybe cause I usually get generic brands, but this time I was fighting back hard. And so by lunch time yesterday I was doing much better. We drove around handing out flyers for the next Christain rave to local christian bookstores. Then we made it to my moms for dinner and a short visit. Sure enough by then Calebs upset stomach was back. So when we got home Caleb and I rested while Dean headed back out w/ a friend.

Lucky for me Caleb went to bed early for once. So I vegged out in front of the tv until Dean got home and we started watching Royal Tenebaums, but got too tired to finish. Not to mention since 8 pm our next door neighbor had his radio blaring so loud you could sing along and things in our house were shaking w/ the beat! I dont know how Caleb managed to sleep at all. Around 11ish Dean called the non emeregency police number, as we have in the past, to get this guy to tone it down. It was midnight and the music was still blaring. Not to mention when we looked out to see what they were doing out so late and so loud, we found x rated stuff. All I am saying is they have a hot tub and they were doing things I’d never do. And yes, we could see them clearly from our house. Idiots. So called the cops again, laughed hysterically when the cops showed up scaring the crap out of them and interrupting their little porno scene! I know I am mean, but if Caleb was older and could look out there and see that I would be really pissed. Now I am just mad I couldnt get to sleep. So I am going to look up some laws to see if theres anything we can do so that once Caleb is older he wont have to deal with watching their filth. It was more frustrating that shortly after the cops left they turned the music on again, not as loud, but we could still sing along if we wanted. I went out this morning for diapers and their car was gone, I cant imagine this older couple partying so late and having the ability to get up and out of the house that early. Dean joked that they were on E or something, I dont know, but he must have been on some good viagra or something. I am just hoping since he was out so early that maybe he was going to buy a bigger fence!!

So needless to say, this morning Dean woke up feeling bad. Looks like he wasnt able to go w/out getting the bug we had, so today he’s feeling it. I hate that now he knows why I was so pissed and stressed this week, but it was quite funny to wake up and hear his complaints. He got up w/ Caleb this morning since I did yesterday and I got up around 9:30 this morning after I heard him running bath water. I knew something was going on cause Dean would never just bathe Caleb mid morning like that. So Dean is looking miserable and starts telling me a Caleb poopy tale. I love these. Dean always tells the best stories about Calebs really bad diaper messes. This one had me rolling just cause I’ve been handling these messes for days and it took a big one for Dean to realize how bad it’s been. Aparently Dean was sleeping on the couch and Caleb told him poopy, which he really hasnt been saying lately. So Dean asked him if he wanted a diaper, of course the answer is no. Caleb keeps crying. Dean gets up finds poop all down his(caleb’s) legs and clothes. This is w/ a diaper on! I feel bad for enjoying the thought, but I’ve had a rough week of poopies and throw up and was getting little to no sympathy from my hubby when I got sick myself and was unable to cope w/ it alone anymore. I think today Dean realized it’s not all that easy to deal w/ this bug in a sick baby and when you have it. I pray Dean gets better soon, like today, but I am somewhat glad he now realizes why I was so grouchy. I know, I am mean, but after the week I’ve had I think I’ve got the right to enjoy this one.

It’s a simply beautiful day for a Kite Festival! Too bad we arent going. Caleb is doing much better, still not eating like normal, but getting there. He hasnt had any milk in days. He and Dean are all geared up to enjoy the nice day meanwhile I think I will end up spending mine in the bathroom. At least theres a nice view of…nothing…out our bathroom window. Caleb’s bug has found me and I am hoping it goes away soon. It’s too nice to be stuck inside sick. I’ve been going to bed well before 9:30 these last few nights and waking up still exhausted. Dont know how Dean lucked out on this one but it figures, not that I want him to get sick, but why do I always have to get everything? wah wah wah. I just want to sleep but the sun is shining too brightly into the house to think of sleeping. Oh well maybe a shower will wake me up, but I doubt it wash away this flu bug.

I am a horrible mother. Yesterday Caleb was very sick. Today he was doing better, but still not great. Then this afternoon he dropped a canned good on his foot causing it to swell and his toenail turned purple. I flipped out. I didnt know what to do. I know its a toe so if its broken they cant do much. But never in his little life has my son screamed his head off for an hour(at least an hour). I went to get Dean because after mothering and cleaning up a sick baby for the last two days I was at the end of all patience. Nothing I did could console Caleb. Now Dean is home and you’d think he’s a different kid. No crying. Not even having a problem walking on his foot. Earlier no such luck. He demanded to be held and screamed uncontrollably forever. He fell asleep in the car on the way to get Dean only after I sang a zillion songs to him. I am cant do this. I am coming down with the flu or whatever Caleb has and I am out of energy. I was out of patience a long time ago. I did my best and tried to be a good mom but as I said yesterday taking care of the sick is not my thing. I can do all sorts of things but mothering a ill crying baby, I just cant. I used to be able to, with other peoples kid. but now that its my baby I just feel so helpless and seem to lose any knowledge or skills I had on dealing with first aid issues or even how to calm a baby. I just want to crawl into bed and be left alone. I want my mommy!!! Yesterday I told my mom how much I appreciated everything she did for me when I was growing up when I was sick. She was a single mom w/ two kids. I am a miserable married mother of one. What is my problem! I think I just need a vacation from being a mom and wife or something, or at least a good nights sleep and to wake up feeling good for once. The chances of that are about as good as waking up tomorrow to a non flooded basement.