Breaking through the Fibrofog…

I have lost 7 lbs since starting my new diet, I am so excited!!!  I made it to a different water workout today, it was much harder, it started at 9 a.m. which is early for me to be out and about for the day, but I made it just a few minutes late.  Then we headed to the grocery store then home to meet Dean for lunch.  Zeke took a nap, Bo stayed in his room for “Quiet time” while I made two trays of manicotti.  Got the kids ready, went to get caleb, then to the park.   Zeke is covered in dirt head to toe from crawling through the sand box but he had fun!   Bo fell asleep in the van on the way home, so he’s still in the van in the garage napping while I put the manicotti in the oven and enjoy some peace.  caleb is playing outside and Zeke’s getting into the pantry so I have to run….but I’m excited, hoping I can continue to get my butt to the gym and keep us outside as long as the weather is nice, it’s good for all of us.   Maybe before the summer is through I’ll be able to buy a new smaller size swimsuit!!!

still not feeling great, just pushing through the pain and misery, but spending time w/ the boys outside instead of inside doing errands perks me up anytime!!  well off to get dinner ready..  what a wonder day…hoping the evening continues to go well ….

Do you ever play the “what if ?” game with yourself?  I have found myself lately doing it too much, I want the thoughts out of my head but it’s hard to manage that.   I wonder if we did the right thing getting married so young, having three kids, if Dean would have been happier with someone else.   If moving here was the right choice.  I know we are happy, our kids are happy, we are doing really good as a family, in many ways.   but the thoughts keep invading, and lately they are causing my dreams to be crazy.   I think a lot of this stems from my guilt over my health, I know I blame myself for not only my health  but my children’s health issues.   Maybe if I hadnt done certain things in my past I wouldnt have to deal with this now.  My kids would be better off with someone else as a mother, that thought haunts me frequently.

I know most of this today stems from me feeling bad.  yesterday we went to see Suessical at a local community theater, friends of ours were in the production.  We left Zeke with my MIL and FIL and took Bo( it was his first show, I was so proud of that!) Caleb, and our neice Laura.  After that we all went to dinner.   Shortly before we left for dinner I got a headache.  I wasnt in the mood to eat but did anyway.   We went to walmart to get some things we needed then came home.  Through the night I started to feel worse.  this morning I slept about an hour longer than everyone else, and woke up feeling horrible.  we went to church but by the time we were done there I was ready to throw up and/or pass out, thats really how I felt.   I came home and went to bed.  Poor Dean has had the kids by himself since then.  they left a little bit of go to spend time w/ Dean’s family.   I made myself get out of bed after I talked to Dean on the phone and he apologized for the house being a mess, the control freak in me made me get up and investiage.  An hour later, a sparkling house and laundry running I feel terrible again, heck several times while cleaning I felt like I was going to pass out.  I am hoping it’s just something w/ me wrong, not something the kids or Dean can catch, because I feel so bad and wouldnt wish this on anyone!

but the point was, I feel so guilty that on his day off Dean is stuck caring for the kids on his own.  I admit on the weekends I rely on him and make him do more than he would on other days just because I want a break, but I hate for him to have to do it all by himself.   Three kids can be hard to handle, i know because I do it frequently!    So I laid here feeling guilty and like a bad mom because it’s  beautiful day out and here I am in bed ( or on the toilet)  I want to be out spending the day at the park, or swimming at the Y as a family like we had planned.   Instead I’m home alone (which isnt so horrible!) and Dean’s out fending for himself w/ the kiddos.

I often think they would all be better off without me, but I also know that God put us all together and hand created our family, just like he uniquely created all of us.  When I start to doubt it’s easy for me to remember that had I ended up with someone else, they probably would have ditched me as soon as the illnesses started piling up as do the medical bills, esp. the more unreliable I become.  You may all think this is strange, but after I met Dean and we knew each other for a while, yet weren’t always together as a couple, I would pray that God would change Dean’s hearts or that the right guy would come my way.  Wouldnt you know that He not only heard my pray but did what I wanted, gave me the love of my life to be with forever.   Sometimes I think  that that was selfish of me, but then again, I believe that God plants in us desires, and that they are there for a reason.  He knows our future, and he knew well before we were born that one day Dean and I would be together, where we are now and what is to come.

Sometimes I think that if I hadnt prayed that would Dean and I still be together ?  the truth is it doesnt matter, we are here and now and this is our life.  I may be sick and somedays that may mean Dean has to bear the burden of things, but I know one thing, before I ever got sick I was in love with and still am in love with this man who takes care of me and loves me  unconditionally.   I know that my life would not be as richly blessed if I didnt have him in my life.  I also know how grateful I am to have a husband who is willing to take care of me and the kids when I cant do it by myself.  Thanks honey for taking such good care of me and the kids, especially on my bad days!!!

I’m tired, my head hurts, my neck hurts, my stomach hurts, I think all of me hurts.   but the house is quiet, and now clean, so I’m going to nap some more before the family gets back in hopes I can give Dean the break he deserves today.

About a week ago I stopped drinking soda, I usually only drink diet caffiene free so it shouldnt have been that big of a deal, but I seriously was addicted to it I think.  The other day, after a few days of no soda, I saw there was one last can in the fridge and drank it, it didnt even taste good to me!  So I’m hoping I can continue to not drink it, but because I try not to drink sugar, I am limited to drinking water all of the time.   I might buy some splenda so I can make some tea but I think the artificial stuff in the soda was making my headaches worse, I havent had any headaches for a few days now, hoping it was just the soda.

I also have tried to stop drinking junk food.   It’s hard w/ kids in the house, but to compensate I’ve been buying tons of fresh fruit.   I discovered this morning that Zeke likes oranges.  Bo cant have orange because he usually gets a bad diaper rash if he does eat or drink oranges or orange juice.   I’m hoping it doesnt bother Zeke’s belly or bottom, time will tell.   So this morning I had an orange and a peice of toast for breakfast.  now if I can get my but to the gym to today I’ll be doing really well on this new healthy lifestyle I’m trying.  I really want to avoid diabetes and need to lose weight and stay active to do so.   but I’m so tired, it doesnt help that it’s a rainy yucky day out which makes me want to just stay home and veg out!

Dean and I laid out on our deck last night for a bit and it was so neat to be able to lay there in the quiet, look up at the beautiful sky and hear nothing but the nature around us.  It was a nice way to end the busy day.  We’re so blessed to live where we do now.   We took the kids for a walk to the playground last night, the twin girls across the street went with us too.   On the way home we stopped and chatted with some neighbors.  this neighborhood is great for so many reasons.   I’m glad that I can honestly say I feel so at home here.

I feel like such an idiot!!  I thought I was getting better backing out of our garage, since we’ve never had one I never had to worry about it til now.  So today as I was backing out I wasnt paying enough attention and broke the passenger side mirror.   I hope it doesnt cost too much to fix, I felt so dumb driving to get Caleb with it banging the side of the door since I didnt have time to figure out what to do before I went to get him.   Bah!!   Oh well…it was a good day, and even now as long as I dont think about my dumb mistake…   Zeke had therapy this morning, bo and I played outside waiting for him to get done.  Then we met Dean and his dad for lunch at the chinese buffet.  I had just enough time to go grocery shopping, come home unload all the stuff then go get caleb from school.

Bo’s given up naps completely.  It’s driving me crazy.   It’s almost impossible to keep the kid confined to the house, he knows how to get out and is quick about it.  So if Caleb and his friends are out playing, then Bo thinks he should  be too…it’s been hard getting things done after Caleb is home if it’s nice out because I need to be outside when Bo is.

Ginger, our new dog, is doing great ! for some reason she doesnt like Caleb all that much, or young boys, she tends to get scared and sometimes bark at them.   she hides from Caleb when he gets home from school.   this weekend she got used to him, but I think because he’s gone most of the day she forgets about him til he gets home and then she gets stressed by him and all his friends.   but it’s really not that bad.  Right now she’s laying at my feet, we’re out back sitting under our gazebo watching the kid play.   She’s quiet, the kids are loud and Zeke’s asleep inside.   So it’s a good afternoon, I am just not feeling that well, and that always changes my perspective.

the drs office called, my labwork came back normal.   So I guess it’s just another flare up of the fibromyalga.  My sugar level was ok since I had eaten an hour before, it wasnt great they said but not bad enough to worry about it.  So I guess I just will go back to the rheumatologist if I keep feeling so badly.

children are  a blessing, a gift from God.  I have no doubt in that fact.  I know each of my children has a purpose and plan created by their Maker.   Some days I wonder what that is and why they have to have it harder sometimes than other kids.  I feel very guilty for Bo and Zeke’s difficulty, knowing that my own health may have affected theirs, whether through the environment or the genes they were given.   I didnt get sick til after I had caleb, which may explain why he is the healthiest of our three boys.   Today the boys got evaluated in seven different areas to check for delays/disabilities.   the results were as expected, our kids are a little behind.   Zeke has delays in these areas: sensory, receptive (language), gross and fine motor.  Bo’s delays are in his expressive language and gross motor.  I remember when at check ups the drs asks if the kids do the “pincer” grasp to hold things.  they did, or so I thought.  Apparently bo and Zeke both dont do it the way they should.   there are several areas in which they are behind but not enough in those areas that were behind overall.  Ironically both kids can do some things well beyond their age yet cant do others that they should have been doing months ago.    what does all of this mean, i dont know.  there’s no diagnosis that I know of.   I just know they’re delayed in these areas.  This will probably allow Bo to go to preschool for free, but not to the school that Caleb goes to.   I have always felt guilty for knowing my kids were different, having it down on paper and knowing now others know for sure that something is wrong w/ my kids makes me feel even worse.   I dont want my kids to be labeled and most of all I hate that Caleb can go to normal school and Bo may not be able to for a while.   During their pregnancies I just prayed they’d be born healthy and, they were for the most part.  I am grateful that they are as healthy as they are but I also am sad that they are different than most kids.  I never thought I’d have to experience all of this, and it’s a confusing process, trying to get them treatment.   I just want them to be ok and to thrive in their learning, right now they are not.  Is it my fault for not being active enough in teaching them, or would it be this way no matter who their mom was or if she was home with them all day.  blah…just a bit depressing.  I made Bo a drs appt for tomorrow, we’re concerned about him still gaining weight and soaking through at least 2 often more diapers through the night.  He wakes up soaked through his sheets, and that’s after we’ve changed him through the night, sometimes 2 or 3 times.    well it is almost time to go pick up Caleb from school.  I’m going out tonight, to a moms night out game night, I need the break and some adult conversations that doesnt involve mine or the kids health.

Caleb and Dean went to use their Kings Island season passes for the first time today. It sounds like they had fun. we are thinking about getting me a pass too since Bo and Zeke can go for free and there are things Bo will like and in the summer there are a lot of water things to do. So we’ll see about that but for now it’s nice for Caleb and Dean to get out and do quality dad-son time.

Saturday morning there was a women’s spring break retreat event. there were lots of workshop topics to choose from. for the first session I went to a parenting one, but it went a bit late so by the time I got to my second session( a cake decorating one) they were full so I had to choose another. My next choice was also full so I ended up in a massage class. We received and gave massages. Ironically someone who had gone to the same first session that I did ended up in the massage class, she too had wanted to attend the cake decorating one but it was full. So we were partnered in the massage class so talked some and then headed to share our lunch break too. She has two boys and just moved to the area 3 weeks ago. We exchanged contact info and are going to try to get together this week.

This morning we met with someone about starting a small group in our area. He said the timing of it had to be a God thing, I agreed. I also felt that way yesterday when I met someone who I can see becoming a very good friend. I’m excited about the opportunities we keep getting to engage in real community and authentic relationships, that’s something Dean and I care a lot about. So hoping things continue to look up on the new relationship front, waiting on lab results to see how things will end up going on the health front.

We got a new grill and gazebo for the yard yesterday. the grill is awesome, much better than the one we left behind. We’ve eaten every meal since then (except for breakfast today) off the grill. I am so glad the weather’s nice again and cant wait for summer to begin. caleb’s last day of school is May 31st close to just a month away!! Seems so soon…but I think it’s going to be a great summer!