Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Caleb is getting so big. I love that he goes to school so that we can work on his homework together. today he was able to do it on his own. He’s missed so much school this month that he had left his communication book that they use to share stuff w/ parents at school so we havent had it to fill in his reading chart or to get any papers we needed to get. So yesterday was his first day back in a while and they kept the book to add his homework to it, so today he came home with a ton of stuff that needed my attention before Friday of course, and Friday’s a half day even and we are busy tomorrow night so I knew I had just today to get stuff done.

He came home w/ 3 scholastic catalogues and I told him to go through and circle what he liked so that Dean and I could go through and pick some as Christmas gifts for him. It was funny the things he circled, I mean he cant read so he was going by the pics of the books to make his choices. he picked a lot of scholarly things, as in wash off writing tablet type books, pattern books, a magnetic math set, and an astronomy type set. he’s a smart kid and for most of his picks it was things that would benefit him education wise as well as entertainment.

he also was excited to tell me there was going to be a Christmas store and I wasnt sure what he meant til I saw the info on it. You fill out a card with family members/friends names and give them a budget of how much they can spend on each person. they go through the christmas store w/ an adult helper and chose christmas gifts based on their budget. they can chose to spend the budgetted amt or less, if less we get the money back he didnt spend. I asked Dean if he did this as a kid and he said yes, I dont remember having that as a kid. he is going to love going shopping! We gave him a budget for us, Bo, grandmom and his friend Abby just for fun. the info says the prices range from $0.50 - $10.00 and the majority of the gifts available are for small amounts of money, as in under $5. we gave him a total budget for everyone of $15 it will be interesting to see what he gets. I’m glad they do this but I’m also afraid he wont know what to get anyone. hopefully the parent helpers will be very helpful!! he takes forever to decide on things so we’ll see how it goes.

He seems so much older than he is, today when I told him the chocolate chip cookies i was baking werent ready yet he got frustrated and said “damn” and stomped away to wait not so patiently. I was like what! Dean was sitting closer and asked what he said and we had to remind him it’s not nice to say but I’m not quite sure where he’s hearing it. i mean I occassionally slip up but maybe I just dont notice how often it is happening that or his friends at school are saying things like this, which is very possible as well. He says so many big things and often has Dean and I hiding our laughs to keep from letting him know how darn cute his is, that and it’s not always appropriate but it’s still so funny. So my big boy is growing up so fast, and it’s kind of sad. then on top of that Bo is growing like a weed and sprouting all kinds of new talents/ words. All while this goes on around me Baby E is starting to show his/her prescence and spends a good part of the day kicking me quite strongly. It’s hard to beleive I’ll have two more kids to go through this firsts of school with, I look forward to it, but boy is it going to be expensive!

So the doc says I have a stomach bug of course but the most important part was that I was not dehydrated as I feared. I even ate two meals today and am doing much better. Ironically I didnt mention to her the mid back pain I’d been having since it went away as soon as the stomach bug arrived, so of course today now that the stomach thing is gone and inevitably because I didnt ask the dr about it; my back is now killing me. I’m all hunched over and no position is comfy. Ugh…if it keeps up I’ll go to my pcp i guess. if it’s not one thing it’s another. they are going to call me when they know if the date I want for my c-section is available at the hospital so we should know this week when baby E may arrive, pending no problems at the end of the pregnancy that is. I need to call to schedule my u/s which will be w/in the next week or so, so hopefully then Baby E will reveal it’s gender to us!

Since Dean is home today he was able to enjoy the nice temps and get our outdoor christmas lights up. I was determined to put up our tree too since he will be working side jobs all weekend. So I put the artificial tree together then while Caleb and I had a walmart run for baby essentials Dean put on the lights. Caleb and I will decorate it tomorrow w/ ornaments, Dean’s not really into the whole tree trimming thing which I think is sad. In our house growing up it was always a big production. We’d bake cookies and decorate the tree. I got some slice and bake cookies for us tonight so it at least felt somewhat familiar but not the same since Dean doesnt really want to get into it. I think next year we’ll do a real tree and see how that goes, we would this year but it’s a matter of money and we already have the ‘fake’ tree so it’s just as easy to use, and low maintenance! so it’s feeling a little more festive around here now, despite the 60+ degree temps, but they say the cold front is on it’s way. I could live without the cold…

Finally added those previous entries that I had written but due to internet issues couldnt post while in Ohio. Originally, weeks ago when making our trip plans we planned on staying til tomorrow and driving back then since Dean was off and doesnt have to be at work til Wednesday. After dealing with being miserably sick and not being able to eat for a few days I convinced him I needed to come home to see my dr or at least suffer in my own bathroom! The drive to Ohio last week took 8 hours, today it took 10+. no it wasnt traffic, it was bathroom and food breaks, of course bathroom breaks for me and food breaks for Dean and the boys.

I havent really eaten a meal in days. I’m worried about how it’s affecting the baby and when I had to call the ob’s office back today anyway since they left me a message about my test results I asked about whether or not I can wait to be seen til Wednesday(my original ob appt time) or if I needed to get in sooner. She fit me in for tomorrow morning and I’m grateful. The drive could have been worse and since we’ve been home I’m been much more sick than I was all day. I want to be in bed but I cant because I keep getting sick, and that’s on an empty stomach. Poor Baby E isnt getting any nutrients and I can barely make myself drink anything because nothing tastes good and drinks make me nauseas on top of a yucky stomach. So we’ll see what the dr thinks tomorrow, I also find out how soon we get another u/s. That’s one reason they called today, to let me know that I needed another one, which I already knew but didnt know when, the nurse said the dr hadnt noted how soon I needed to go but since I’m going in tomorrow we’ll talk about it then. we’re also supposed to be able to set our c-section date too tomorrow so we’ll see! lots of important stuff tomorrow, it’s a much needed appt for many reasons and I’m glad Dean is home to keep Bo for me since originally for Wed. I was going to have to take Bo w/ me.

well I”m hoping to crawl into bed soon…..I hope this sickness ends soon, it’s been way too many days of feeling like this….

Last week despite a party that had to go on, I felt really sick and fatigued…as the weekend went on I felt miserable. I joked to Dean I was dying. I started to finally get rid of that bug and yesterday had my normal voice for most of the day but that was replaced by a killer headache and stabbing back pain. Since then I’ve come down w/ stomach flu symptoms and I really hate not being home and being this sick. Yesterday I was in tears at the zoo because I was in so much pain…it just isnt fair. I’m the pregnant one so things are hard to treat as is, but why cant someone else get sick, why is it always me?!?!? everyone else is upbeat and enjoying biscuits and gravy for breakfast, I just want to go home and be miserable in my own bedroom and bathroom! Yesterday several times I considered going to the urgent care because my back pain was so bad. luckily a heating pad and rest helped some but now this other stuff is making me miserable. I am always sick for thanksgiving week, can’t I ever get a break!!! ok enough whining…No plans today that I know of, caleb has tons of notions of what we should do, I’m hoping I can at least make it out of the house at some point.

When I first moved to Ohio, I fondly referred to “home” as Baltimore. that’s where I’d been born and raised and wasnt until love took me away that I learned theres so much more to this big world. It took a while to adjust to my new home in Ohio but Dean’s family was always there and supportive. I fit in and they accepted me. After a while Dean and I started searching for a church despite our hurts and issues with our past experiences of “church” we found the cincy vineyard and fell in love with so many aspects of the community there. during our time there I led a life group, worked in nursery, worked on the awesome media team learning things I didnt even knew I loved til I did it and eventually were particpants in a great life group of young married couples. we found friendships and were able to overcome the issues we’d faced in the past as far as church goes. it was a time of growth individually and in our new marriage. I remember exactly where I sat that first time I sat in a service and felt Caleb move in my belly.

last night we had the blessing of being able to attend the cincy vineyard. I was emotional knowing we’d get to go, in past visits we always just went to everyone elses church during our visits. I was grateful to get to go back finally. Last night we sat there being in awe of the “vineyard” experience, something that we always loved and missed. As I sat there I felt Baby E move and had to wipe away tears as I looked over to the section of seats where I remember sitting and feeling Caleb move in my belly when pregnant with him. The message last night was great and throughout the night I was reminded that this is our home, that family and vineyard and so much else about our life here made Ohio my “home” and since we’ve moved back to baltimore we’ve often talked about coming back. Last night Dean even mentioned to a friend that in a year or so he might look for a job here to come back to live here. he’s always looked at the job ads here just in case there was something that would meet our needs and make it financially ok for us to move back. I know that if we did that I’d miss a lot about Baltimore, friends mostly. but I do miss this place. being here is always such an emotional deal for me, memories of a past life, life when dean and I werent married yet, then our wedding here, then our first apartment together here, having our first baby here. baltimore held for me a much longer past full mostly of hurts and pain, memories of Ohio are just of fond times of discovery, growth and most of all the love Dean and I were enjoying as newleyweds and that we were able to finally feel at a church after years of painful memories of church experiences. Life is amazing.

a year after high school graduation I moved away to this strange place in the middle of nowhere just to be with the man I loved. i didnt know anyone and had nothing to look forward to but our love. We built so much during our years here, so much that has shaped who we are. I dreaded this trip for so many reasons, and although I am still feeling crappy, I’m coming to realize I ‘needed’ this. this homecoming of sorts.

we’ve spent days just in community with family and friends. stayed up late playing games and doing life together. I know Dean loves being a part of this family here. Dean’ parents home is like none I know. they house men who are recovering addicts and theres always someone new. the newest guy arrived days before we did but you’d think he was a regular member of the family. every guy fits in perfect with everyone else, there’s no way to know who will be here or when or how long but it’s always amazing. I used to have problems knowing that we’d be staying here, not knowing these guys and bringing my kids here to stay with them. the guys here now, well I’ve met them before and my kids love them. they are like family. it’s been good for Dean I know to be here, besides my MIL and I this is a houseful of men. Seriously, right now including Dean and my FIL there are 6 men who live here this week and my two boys. I keep saying I’m outnumbered, but it’s not been so bad. It’s just so different. I admit I get sick of “guy” talk but I guess I can get a glimpse of what I can expect when my two boys(maybe 3 even) grow up and come home. this is what I hope our kids can have for their homecoming when they are young adults, a home filled w/ love for each other and others. currently my MIL is en route to the ER , she’s been having bad back pain. we’re all on our own for church this morning and are heading to my SIL’s church. who knows what today will hold for us but I do know that it will be interesting…well time to go…sorry if this is all incoherent. lots of thoughts going through my mind today…

I might kill Dean, seriously. He was giving me some pills, which I thought were for upset stomach, and yes I knew I probably should not take them when preggo but I took immodium/maalox in my first two pregnancies so wasnt too concerned. but tonight when I asked for more he told mewhere they were on the shelf but all I found was claritin, or to clarify, loratidine (sp. is probably off) the name on immodium pills is loperamide, somewhat close but not the same. so instead of taking immodium twice today I had been given 2 doses of one a day claritin. I am so worried about how it will affect the baby but at least now I know why my stomach still is upset!!! I hope the baby is ok….ugh I am so upset…

I feel like a bad mommy, we didnt forget too many things when packing for our trip but once we got here and had that first grab the camera moment, we realized we’d made a huge mistake. we brought the digital camera and charger for the rechargeable batteries but the memory card is home attached to the device to upload the pics to the puter. So no digital pics, I couldnt let myself spend $40 at walmart on another when we have 2 sitting at home. we got some one use kodak cameras but it just wont be the same. no pics for the webpage of bo’s first birthday day. I’m bummed about it.

I really wanted to go shopping today, we used to always go shopping on Black Friday, my mom and I but havent in years due to my health usually. this year I should have no excuses, main one though is that we dont have the money to spend since we needed money for this trip and the new van when we get home. other thing holding me back was I got a killer headache yesterday and even after 12 hours of sleep, I was in bed when bo was last night and stayed in bed til 8:30 this morning, it’s still killing me. Tylenol isnt doing a thing and sleep didnt help, I really am concerned I havent had a headache this bad in a long long time. so needless to say no mad shopping at 5 am for us today despite my desire to save bunches on christmas presents. After we got Bo down for nap though I convinced Dean to join me at Fashion bug so I could use a coupon I have and get a pair of maternity jeans. I got a sweater and pair of jeans for $20!! it was a sweet deal and I’m so excited! My mil said I should have plenty of maternity clothes, and for the 3rd time I should, had I not lost 20 some lbs between pregnancies. All of my maternity pants are still swimming on me, I already bought one pair and I love them but I need more than one comfy pair. So I’m excited about my new pants and sweater, esp. since it was such a good deal. but that’s all the shopping I’ll do today.

we’re going caroling tonight as part of the festival of lights at the cincy zoo and it sounds fun. Other than that no plans today or this weekend that I know of. I am hoping my head feels better soon but if meds arent helping nor sleep dont know what else I can do to make it better. well bo is napping and Caleb, MIL and a cousin are heading to mcdonalds for lunch so dean and I have time to eat lunch in peace. this house is rarely quiet, which isnt helping my headache at all, so I’ll go take advantage of the peace while I can.