Breaking through the Fibrofog…

after a lazy week in Baltimore I would have thought I’d come home refreshed. I was happy we got home early yesterday, around 2:30 p.m. Dean spent some time cleaning up the garage while I worked on unpacking the stuff he’d unloaded into the house from our trip. We went to dinner and walmart to load up on groceries.   The kids were in bed at a reasonable time as were Dean and I.    Yet this morning I again awoke feeling horrible.   I made myself get up and get going, even took the boys to my friends and went to curves to work out.   Halfway through the circuit I realized I might not be able to finish but slowed down some and continued on.  By the time I got done and was stretching I became really worried and wondered if I’d be able to drive myself home, but in the end I was able to and went back to get the boys and chat w/ my friend.   I struggled through lunch time and getting Zeke down for nap.    I finally crashed in my bed letting Bo lay there watching tv.   I could barely move and really thought I might be slowly becoming paralyzed.    I dont know if the exercise made me feel worse or if was the new migraine medicine I took after getting home from curves in hopes of making my head feel better or a combination of everything going on.  thankfully my friend picked up Caleb from school and bo eventually fell asleep so I got about a 30 minute nap.   I still feel horrible and my whole body is all tingly, like pins and needles vs. itchiness.    that’s the best way I can describe it.   I’m in pain and I’m exhausted.    I felt pretty crappy like this all of last week while we were gone and I just hoped it would get better, so I thought maybe getting back into exercising would help…but now I’m really worried about things.    I have an appt to see the dr and get my MRI results this Friday, I really wish that appt was sooner, at least that way I knew I’d have answers while feeling this crappy.  Dean and I agree that this is definitely getting worse and this is how things tend to go…which concerns me that I may finally get a diagnosis of MS because I will feel fine some times then go through horrible flare ups when days seem unmanageable for me(which is hard w/ three kids!)  I’ve convinced Dean to come w/ me to the appointment on Friday, that way even if it’s not MS he can help me ask the right “what’s next” questions.   and if it is MS that way I’m not alone to deal w/ the news!  We’ve been through this before and I know that I will probably feel better eventually but days like today make me worry about the future and my ability/inability to take care of my kids.

As I laid in bed this afternoon w/ Bo he had called Dean on my cell phone(by calling the last number called) and I was somewhat relieved  to know that if something were to happen he’d at least know how to call someone, even if it wasnt always Dean as the last number called, but that anyone I call on that new cell phone would be able to help him since there’s not many numbers on it still!!    At one point during their lunch time I was on the verge of calling Dean and begging him to come home or calling my dr because I felt like my arms were going numb and my legs were so weak.    I hate feeling this way and I hate complaining about it.

our last night in Baltimore I was awoken around 3 a.m. ,I think, by my friends husband who asked me to come upstairs that something was wrong w/ my friend(his wife)  As I walked up the two flights of stairs in silence I was afraid she was having a heart attack or something.   she was having horrible stomach pains and was very upset.  I did my best to talk her through it and she eventually calmed down and was settled back in bed.   we think she may have had an ovarian cyst rupture, since I’ve had that before and ended up the ER it sounded like the pain was similar, that or it was really really bad period cramps.     But as we sat there she talked about how I handle the pain I go through all of the time….as I sat there with her I didnt know what to say…here I was praying she was ok and worried out of my mind and she was reflecting on how well I handle things like that.   I think in the midst of it she may have forgotten how much I complained that week about feeling badly!   I dont think I handle any of this well, esp on days like today.    I feel like I have spent all day complaining about how I feel.    perhaps thats why I feel so much worse than normal…no I doubt that.  I just wonder if I have a true view of myself and how well I do or dont do on my “bad” days.  I mean I did manage to do a lot today…curves, got dinner in the slow cooker and then completed later on, did some laundry, took care of the kids, including letting them make a big mess w/ their new paints that the Easter bunny brought them…..I know I do get a lot accomplished despite how I feel but I still think I dont react well to how I feel.    I think it still affects my family relationships and social life.

I worry about this being the beginning of more bad days then good.   But I know I’ve gotten through phases like this before.   I have hope, I really do…but feeling this bad makes me still doubt.  and I’m sure that’s pretty normal, I just wish I had more faith and less doubt….

Today we hung out at all the hot spots….Science Center,the harbor Filettis subs for dinner, Rhebs candy for a snack this evening….more games w/ friends tonight. Yesterday Susan, Caleb, Bo, Zach and I went bowling while the lil’ ones napped and Dean played games online at home.  The GOOD: A few days ago I got a haircut and left there w/ hair I’ve always dreamed of!  (I am sooo happy about it!) The BAD: We had to get new tires this week after visiting my dad and running over glass killing a tire, one of the 2 good ones we had so we went ahead and got four new ones. The big boys, Bo and Caleb are spending the night at my moms tonight. Kind of frustrated that we haven’t seen that many people, somewhat our own doing, somewhat the ball is in other people’s court. They know we are here, I drove 500 miles do your part and get here to see us. Apparently no one cares enough to do that though, instead we have to drive all over if we want to be seen. and I’m not feeling up for it, I’ve been feeling crappy all week, and knowing this time next week I may know what the MRI results are from last week isn’t helping me feel any better! I think we’re leaving here Sunday morning, then it’s back to the same old same old. and lots of doctors appointments….hoping if anything the answers bring w/ it a treatment that works. as always….tons of pics up on Flickr.

Pics from the weekend and our spring break up on Flickr.  I will try to upload them every night if I can.   we spent the majority of the day w/ my family and then this evening playing games w/ friends after the kids were in bed.    I LOVE being able to be w/ my friends again.   We had a blast this evening!!

Saturday recap: we had a birthday lunch for Zeke including Easter egg hunt in the playroom for the kids, church in the evening and before leaving Caleb accidentally dislocated Zeke’s elbow so we had to go to the ER last night.  Around 10:30 we left to head to MD.  Around 3 a.m. we stopped at a hotel and slept some then headed out for the rest of the trip around 10 this morning.    We’re here now at my friends house and I’m wiped out!!  Bo doesnt want to go to bed but luckily Zeke is asleep.  it has been a fun and scary few days w/ all of the craziness of the dog attack and dislocated elbow…but all in all it’s been an ok day.   We ate at cracker barrel for lunch and had chinese food for dinner.   not your traditional Easter but we dont mind!!    hope everyone else had a fun day!

Pics up on Flickr of things this week.  Yesterday morning I wasnt sure we’d be going anywhere since Bo woke up throwing up so we spent the morning at home, but he ended up being fine the rest of the day so we went ahead with our afternoon plans to attend a meet and greet w/ the Doodlebops at a local theater.   It included watching some Doodlebop shows on the big screen and meeting them and getting free stuff!    Today the boys still seem healthy, cross ing fingers, so other than the dog incident things went ok.   The Doodlebops live show was really cool.  zeke seemed to enjoy it the most, which is good since his birthday was my biggest reason for allowing us to spend so much on the tickets in the first place!! so tonight I made a drum cake for our birthday lunch tomorrow.

Some days start off so well…I got up and was headed out early for an MRI.  I dropped Dean off at work and went to my appointment.   I survived, although I am very claustrophobic!!  I then stopped at old navy to shop for a shirt for a skirt I’d like to wear tomorrow.    I got home and we dyed Easter eggs and the kids played while I made a meal to take to a mom in moms group.   I have a big to do list today so I had to make that meal and the cake for Bo’s get together lunch tomorrow.  So after lunch Zeke took a nap and the boys went outside to play.  dean’s aunt was here visiting so she helped out a lot and I had the front door open so I could keep an eye and ear on the boys.  I went out front to check on them and saw Caleb across the street looking terrified and not saying anything but mom and he was frozen in place.  There was  a truck parked beside him so I couldnt see what he could so I ran out across the street dreading what had happened, to find Bo on the ground under the neighbors pit bull.  the dog ran off after I yelled at her and I quickly grabbed my baby and took him home.  he was bleeding but it wasnt horrible.  I just held him for a while before even checking his wounds.  i was calm for a while but eventually I just gave in and wept.  My poor little guy looks horrible and he was soo scared.  He and I just sat there and shook.    He seems ok now and we’re not sure if he was bit or if his injuries were from the fall of being knocked down but he has definite scratches on his arms and legs and all of the kids outside agreed Bo did NOTHING to provoke the attack.  In hindsight I kind of wished I had called 911 just to have it documented and now we’re considering if we still need to as this dog can get out of it’s yard on it’s own.  but our neighbor, who we do know and the kids hang out w/ their kids, said she was going to chain her up and if she figured out how to get out again that they’d find her a new home…sadly my thought there is someone else would have the same problem.   So I dont know what to do.  I dont want this family to lose their dog over this, esp. since Bo is just scratched up and hopefully will not have any scars on his face.     But I also want to safe guard the community in case it happens again so that they know it has happened before.   Any thoughts??

thankfully he seems ok around Ginger, our dog.  i was worried he’d be scared of her but the hugged her w/ in the first hour afterward and cuddled w/ her even, I think he knew she was the good dog and not the bad one.   Caleb is really upset about it, mostly because I think I may have made him feel bad by yelling at him for not doing something , but I think he just froze up and had no choice.  I’ve told him several times that that’s a normal response, that we may see something and get so scared we cant react, but I knew he was upset when he cuddled w/ Bo and kept wanting to be near him and was being NICE to him! since he truly doesnt really like Bo compared to Zeke sometimes.     we were all very shaken by the experience and I pray I never have to go through something similar again.

It was after a rough night at the sleep study lab that I got news I really wasnt expecting.  I compare the quality of sleep I got to that of sleeping at a hospital at night.  They came in an woke me up several times for a ton of different reasons.    I also awoke when a door anywhere close was opened, mostly because I’m such a light sleeper.  they woke me up for the day at 6 a.m. and gave me my schedule for the day.  My first nap would be at 838 a.m. and I would be allowed to nap for 15 minutes.  At the 20 minute mark they’d wake me up, giving you some time to fall asleep.   So I had my first nap and went to sit back in the lounge area to read again til my next scheduled nap 2 hours later.

Shortly after that someone came to find me and told me I could go home w/out further testing.   She unhooked all of my monitor leads and told me to go see the doctor for my results.  Originally, they said if I had to stay all day I’d go back in for an appt on Monday to get the results but that if there was clear cut answers they’d have me see the doctor today.  So I figured he knew something, either it was sleep apnea, narcolepsy or nothing special.     I got a shower since I had time to waste while waiting for my ride then went to see the doctor.   Turns out I have Severe Sleep Apnea.  I stopped breathing 35 times every hour.   Sleep apnea is diagnosed at 5 or more episodes of apnea(breathing cessation)  anything over 30 is considered severe, and I’d say so!!! So I go back in overnight Monday to get my CPAP machine calibrated.  the doctor is hopeful I will feel MUCH better after using it and I am very excited at the thought.  I am even wondering if the fibromyalgia will go away or least be much less severe with REAL sleep.

now the question is in my mind, are the possible MS symptoms explainable by the undiagnosed apnea for all of this time?  I am going to call the neurologist on Monday to see, but what I’ve read online that sleep apnea and MS are not uncommon.  but if it at least lets me sleep better I’m glad I got the study done.  I cant believe I have it that badly and that it took this long to realize why I was so tired.   so it was worth the rough night, I hope.  I’m not looking forward to another night in those uncomfy beds on Monday but if I can leave w/ a machine that lets me sleep uninterrupted I will be one happy lady!!