Breaking through the Fibrofog…

How is it possible that even when I am physically worn out, stressed out watching three kids, and preparing to host an event that I can even be sitting here pondering how much I want to be pregnant??? I suppose hormones can do that to you, but that shouldnt be playing a factor today in my mood, but I guess hormones play on us daily no matter what part of the cycle we’re in huh? Who knows. More so to do with reading other peoples blogs and thinking about family members that will soon be holding their newborns. Thinking that our day will not come.

Our new life group is reading the Purpose Driven Life. Tonight is our first meeting at our house, we are new leaders. I hate to say I am not so thrilled with the book, mostly my own fault. My own fault I cant get past my own faults and accept that I can have a purpose aside from taking care of Caleb, Dean and home, especially when I physically feel like I cant even take care of myself. Sure theres a lot I need to change about my attitude toward my illness and how it affects my life, but considering the work load I’m doing everyday I think I”m doing pretty good even if my attitude is suffering, the work I need to get done is getting done and to me for now that is what matters. doing what needs done when it needs done even when I feel bad. I get by day by day and lately the days have been bad. My marriage is suffering becuase my attitude through it all is not the greatest, but if I”m expected to maintain the same amount of workload even when I feel bad than I’m sorry I cant keep up the same cheery attitude. I understand that maybe some other people could, but I cant and I wont pretend to. So through it all somehow I still want to consider bringing another child into this craziness, now that I think about it, it must be hormones causing me to think it becuase it’s truly ridiculous to think that that would be part of my purpose in life right now. I just wish I could see something more purposeful than just getting by every day……

one more vent about the dr today….he’s talking into his tape recorder, to record the notes for our visit, and stops recording and flips through chart, and says what do you do for a living, I said I am a stay at home mom, he says what did you do before that, I said I’ve been a stay at home mom for a year or two now, he said, oh good, then you can afford to have this now…..i wanted to hit him sooooo hard, I kindly responded well not really, his reply is well it’s not like you have to be in an office working and this interferes….idiot I tell you. I have the # 1 hardest job on the planet and the jerk says I can afford this now, he says its not like I have to miss work or my work will be affected……I am woman hear me ROAR!!!!!! yes, this made me mad, but it was just another thing, but I had to share….sometimes I hate doctors…….sometimes I hate idiots in general. today I think I just hate men!!

well made it home safely from the drs appointment, although the computer looks very odd when your eyes are dilated! so I apologize for any typos ahead of time. the good dr,who I am doubting more and more every time I see him, says my eyes are fine, or did he? well he had this new fangled machine that he could take a pic of my eye w/, that I thought was great! if anything I thought the dr couldnt mistake it if it was on a picture…so the pic shows my optic nerves to by mildly swollen, he says this is just normal for me, i still say thats a load of crock but thats a nother story….and before he rushes me from his office as he shows off his great new pic software, he makes note of some dark spots on my eye in the pic. he says’ thats interesting. never noticed that before…” of course he didnt want to explain and when asked several times why I continue to see spots in my eyes and have blackouts of vision in my left eye he said ‘we cant explain everything” or “we cant understand it all” so, if anything I’ve got proof now that theres something on my eye, those dark spots are something gosh darn it even if he doesnt want to take the time to look into it. everyday I’m struggling more and more w/ my vision. i just got glasses about a month ago and today while the dr did my exam w/ my glasses on he says my vision is different than what it was when i got the RX yeah thats not a good sign…..but no nothing going on with my eyes at all? so suffice it to say, when I see my neurologist next I will be requesting a referral to a different neuro-opth. sad part is this guy was supposed to be the best there is.

all he wanted to talk about was how busy he is w/ new patients and how many eye surgeries he’s done lately and he’s new gadgets….looks to me like he’s getting caught up in the success and forgetting about the patients who got him there…meanwhile I feel crappy again today and should be napping. So now that I’ve looked at this way too blurred computer monitor and attempted to type I think I’m done….enough time for a short nap before we have to go pick up Dean from work…what a day….guess the good news is the dr said nothing is wrong huh? sadly I wanted something to be wrong so he could fix it and make me better. now I just struggle feeling bad w/ no end in sight, again……damn incurable inexplainable illnessess……

Been a busy weekend, sort of. Friday night was busy. Saturday was boring. today was busy. Tomorrow I am dreading. I have a drs appointment, with my neuro-opthamologist(mispelled I am sure..) been having a real hard time w/ my vision, headaches, dizziness, the works w/ the pseudo tumor. Scared of what he’ll say but more of what he wont say. Last time he said it was probably not related to my pseudo tumor but since then the symptoms have gotten worse, so I’m not so sure. not looking forward to it one bit. Found a friend to go with me at least, so I dont have to drive myself home, last time Dean went w/ me and it was a good thing because after he dilated my eyes I couldnt see for hours. I was planning on going alone but kept worrying about it so worked out a plan w/ a friend so her hubby will babysit the kids and she’ll go with me. my luck he wont dialate my eyes tomorrow!

Aside from feeling miserable lately not much else going on. Caleb is getting so smart and is amazing us every day. today he went ice skating for the first time. he didnt do nearly as well as he did for his first time roller skating, and that’s cheaper so I think we’ll stick w/ that instead! His favorite thing to do anymore, a trait earned honestly from his daddy’s addiction, is to play games on the puter. We get him onto disney or pbs and he plays away all by himself! he begs to play several times a day, we’ve actually started limiting him. but he does really well and he’s learning his letters on sesame street online and when he’s doing things like that I help him so he can learn easier. hope everyone had a good weekend!

My poor baby! on Tuesday his playmate, a little girl if you can believe it, scratched him drawing blood in several places as you can probably tell by the marks that are still there today. It breaks my heart to look at him. I just hope it doesnt scar. He’s got a small scar above his eye from the same child about a month or so ago, Dean said the scars will fade, I can only hope so. I’m just too emotional lately and dont know how to deal with much more.

Been a long time since I’ve seen your face knew we’d meet again, another time another place….I’m alright, it’s a beautiful day not a cloud in sight I guess I’m doing alright…..

Doing alright. Not doing great not doing horrible, right this second. Five minutes from now I might change my story but…..Things have been hard for me lately, feeling like I”m in a rut, wanting to get out of it but not wanting to get out. I really just want to stay in bed all day and sleep. I need to sleep. I am so tired. But I keep going, keep pushing myself. Even now while the kids are napping I was half asleep and got up for something, dont remember what, but now am up but could be taking advantage of a nap….but I’m not. Too much to do, so little time. This week is actually a slow week as far as our schedule goes, so I should try to enjoy it, next week it’ll be crazy again.

I’ve got a drs appt I’m dreading coming up on Monday. Dreading it for tons of reasons the biggest is fear the second is having to go alone. Last time I could hardly drive myself hours later…this time I dont have a choice, I’ll be dropping Caleb off at my friends before and picking him up after, but it’s kind of far to drive to begin with….we’ll see how it goes. It’s just like every other thing I’m doing lately, doing out of a pure need to , not because I want to. I feel like I”m just floating through my days doing what needs done. Not enjoying much of anything, that could very well be a medicine side effect, last time it screwed me up big time….but…for whatever reason, I know I’m getting depressed and I dont even care to fix it. I just want to be able to rest for once and not worry about the 50 billion other things or people that need me. last time I started talking like this I ended up being so sick I was in the hospital so I better be careful what I wish for, but still, I think I’m wearing thin again and I think continuing to hide my illness/symptoms from my family and friends is just making me feel worse. I thought it would help if I just ignored how I’m feeling but now the feelings are getting bad and I feel too sick to function some days again. thats something thats hard to hide, but I’ve been doing a good job of it. yes this is coming from the same person who earlier this week said honesty is the best policy….but…if the truth wont fix anything or change anything whats the point, sure, I admit I’m sick still and then what? nothing. I continue to feel sick and miserable and life goes on around me. so why bother. but now it’s been said so now you know. I feel crappy and I’m grouchy about it to say the least, the added stress of having my child getting abused by another child I babysit makes me feel much worse. but thats a whole nother can of worms….. is it Friday yet??? at least it’s a beautiful day not a cloud in sight…..I guess I ‘m doing alright, alright…nothing like a good song to cheer ya up, somewhat….

Feeling burnt out, emotionally, phsyically, spiritually….not sure if it’s depression, or the side effects from med like last time, but tonight was not so good. Got something off my chest and immediately felt a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. still feel crummy for hurting someones feeling in doing so but I think honesty is truly the best policy. Hoping something good comes from this, and praying I can continue to be open and honest with my feelings. Its so dawg gone hard….but in the end it’s so much healthier for everyone involved. I have a hard time as is, with being a people pleaser, so speaking my mind is tough especially when I know it may hurt someone else. But my thought was that I’d rather admit my feelings and pain now so I could control it and stop it instead of it controlling me. I think I did the best thing, I didnt want anything more than to just let some people know where I stood and how I was struggling with my faith and trust in people. I hate to be fake and I dont want to keep acting like I am fine when I am struggling. It’s been hard lately, trying to work, be sick, take care of family and home…..and on top of that put on a cheery face and deal with some tough issues. I hope that this weight that was lifted stays off of me, it feels great actually, I couldnt believe how much just opening my mouth in confession helps. Now if I can just learn to shut up sometimes too!!! I thank God for his Grace and Mercy and for granting us all the power to Forgive one another in love!