Breaking through the Fibrofog…

I seriously just had to write out a list of my meds to keep myself straight, currently 8 pills at bedtime, 5 in the morning.   Geez no wonder I feel like an old lady…no offense to the old folks…but this is ridiculous.

today was a better day, still in pain and feeling badly but functioning at least.   the tylenol w/ codeine was really making me feel worse and I think that was the issue yesterday, that and the pain was so unbearable.  she upped the dosage of one of my meds and I think it’s helping some, but not taking care of things completely. I think this cold isnt helping much either, my throat is killing me right now.

well I am hoping to get the kids in bed on time for once this week so that I can get to bed early.  I have the house straight and all I need to do is get the kids in bed.  gotta run, zeke got the bowl of popcorn the kids had…

I feel horrible.  absolutely horrible.  We had two showings of our home today, one at 9 a.m. , one at 4:30 p.m.   I made sure last night the house was clean but had to vacuum this morning before we left.  So I got Caleb to school, the house finished up, the kids fed and then went to Target to waste time and get some things we needed while folks looked at our house.   I had to keep stopping walking around the store because I was in too much pain to push the cart.  by the time I got home I was near tears, and called the drs office(which resulted in my crying to the receptionist) to find out what to do for the pain.  I am already on some major pain killers but it wasnt helping, in fact it was giving me major headaches.  I havent had headaches in months, and since taking this pain killer my head has been killing me!  They got me an afternoon appointment and Dean struggled to find someone to come help me while I found someone to pick Caleb up from school so I could go to my 2:00 appointment.   I have 5 more prescriptions and no answers.   I asked her what she thinks is going on, her response was that she doesnt want to worry me that she has some ideas but that some are very rare and wants to see what the newest bloodwork I got done today says first.  When I asked if she thought this was a temporary health issue or a chronic one she said she doesnt want to answer she wants to see what we find out from the labwork.  So I left with nothing really, not even a false hope of getting relief.  She wrote out one prescription, said if this works then…and wrote out the next one, then another and if this doesnt work, and just to make sure your stomach doesnt start bleeding from all the meds lets start you on this medicine to protect you from all of this other meds causing internal damage.   I honestly think I am dying.  I mean I worry this is it, that this could be an episode of House, when he says we’ll find out what killed her during her autopsy. give her meds to treat her symptoms and keep her quiet while she slowly dies.   a little extreme you think, well if you were me and felt like I do you might feel the same way I do.    on top of all the other crap I’ve got new concerning symptoms, and a nasty cold on top of that.   I googled the names of the tests she ran today, some for lupus, other for leukemia, some for more thyroid stuff.   All I know is that this isnt normal, and I could see the concern on the drs face as she sat long and hard and thought about what to do next.   I go back to see her next week and am praying she calls me before then, but then again do I really want to know what’s making me this miserable?   I can honestly say the last time I felt this bad was when I had meningitis, pains in different places and more so even….I just love my life really….
thank God my friend’s mom was able to come over this afternoon to help out with the kids while I went to the dr and while the house was being shown, then my mom came over to help w/ dinner and getting the kids in bed.   I dont know how I would have done it without them.  honestly I was going to admit myself to the hospital if the dr wouldnt have seen me today, that’s how bad it is, believe me I hate hospitals.  this was the second time in a week I almost went in hopes of getting relief from whatever this is thats slowly destorying my body.

dean’s a mess worrying about not being here to help and take care of things, I am a mess because I hate not being able to keep up with my responsibilities.   If we had the money I’d hire a nanny until I get better, and a maid!  and for me to give over either of those areas of my life to someone else to take care of is a big deal, and it would only happen if something was really wrong with me, and this last week I think whatever is wrong with me has gotten majorly worse, quickly too, which cant be a good thing.

enough whining, just wanted to update so you all know why I might not be around here updating much, hoping to nap when I get time these next few days and somehow plan my sons birthday party.   dont worry, if I were dying I probably wouldnt be coherent enough to blog right??!?!  that’s the horrible part, I am so mentally here, earlier when I took the pain medicine it was like my body was just done, that I could barely move, that I was thinking and things just werent making sense.  i could think clearly but I felt numb to everything, just out of it.   later though, I was the opposite, my head hurt so bad I coudlnt think straight yet my body felt better.  it’s annoying. it’s either deal w/ the whole body severe pain and be ok mentally or be out of it with a massive headache but no full body pain.   neither is good honestly, so off to bed with me…I joked w/ Dean and the dr that I found the cure, that I felt great as long as I laid motionless in bed w/ my eyes closed.   I asked the dr if we could arrange for that and she just laughed, but still had that damn concerned look on her face, guess she just didnt appreciate the joke….

got a qoute on homeowners and car insurance rates for ohio….new homeowners is $100/a year some less which isnt bad considering the value of the house is more.   car insurance rate will be $180 less…A MONTH!!!  I cant believe it.  I know when we moved here we were shocked at home much car insurance is but goodness, that’s outrageous!!   maybe we will be able to afford a new van payment afterall!!  wohoo!!   so overall the move should help us get financially stable and in a better home to boot.  been dealing w/ the loan officer all day, the closer closing gets the more ridiculous things come up, running out now w/ all 3 boys to find a fax machine to get him what he needs before the end of the day today…someones coming to see our house here tomorrow, we lowered the price today..pray they like it…i will be so glad when all of this house stuff is over…

the boys and I left Ohio yesterday morning at 7 a.m. we arrived home after a crazy trip around 7:30 p.m.   I was exhausted but my best friend met me at home to help me unload the van and had picked up some milk and bread for me as well as a meal for tonight, so that was nice.   in order to make me feel even more at home, shortly after the kids were bathed, I put Bo to bed, he was so happy to be in his bed.   not long after drinking his cup of strawberry milk he threw it up all over his bed and floor.  he didnt throw up the entire time we were in ohio, which was amazing.  I am guessing he’s allergic to the strawberry sauce.   i’m going to eliminate strawberries from his diet in hopes thats all it is.  we thought it was hot dogs but he ate those while in Ohio and never got sick.

in other quick news, Zeke is cutting two lower teeth, finally!  he’s crawling and trying to pull up onto furniture.  Bo’s vocabulary is slowly building.

sad news, I feel like shit, ok nicely, like crap.  even after tylenol w/ codeine I’m in immense pain.  my emg was normal so I wait to see the dr again in a week to see what’s next.  guessing we wont know any thing for awhile due to having to switch drs after the move.   if we cant find a medicine that relieves the pain soon I am thinking we are going to have to hire someone to help me w/ the kids during the day.   praying I make it the next few weeks until the move by myself.  got a birthday party for bo to plan but today I think I”m hanging out here trying to unpack our clothes and get used to being home.

so we’re here.   lowering the listing price on our house again today in hopes we sell it soon, dreading having to figure out how to maintain it and keep the driveway snow free and the like after we move and it’s still on the market….pray it sells soon.

gotta run…bo got a knife out of the dishwasher…oh the joys of being home ….

I’m alive, barely.   Dean came home from work early today to go w/ us to see the new house and stayed home because I had been feeling so bad.   I have been leaving messages for my dr for a week and she finally just called back this afternoon.   My test results from the EMG were normal. I know this because I had that other dr fax them to Dean’s work.  The dr who called me today who I’d been waiting to hear from still hadnt gotten the results.  So I told her the results and how bad I was feeling.  She said at this point she’s going to treat my symptoms and said the diagnosis may take a long time, that what may work best for me is treating my symptoms and if a certain course of treatment works then she’ll know it’s an autoimmune disorder or not then move onto a different treatment if needed.  So she’s calling in some hefty pain meds for me today so I can hopefully enjoy my holiday weekend.   Yesterday Dean came to the hotel to have lunch w/ us, but I slept while he fed the kids.   I hate feeling this  way, like I cant take care of my kids, and it’s really hard while cooped up in a hotel.    I am not looking forward to being back home alone w/ the kids for 2 weeks and having to pack up but maybe these new meds will help, praying they dont cost too much.   well gonna run..heading out for the evening.   I took a nap but still feel crappy…thus is my plight in life…

well if it helps a good cause, why not?   I wonder how many babies will be born 9 months from now though as a result of their peace campaign.

in other actual nesworthy topics…we arrived in Ohio safely, both vehicles survived.  I went out this morning and the cars were covered w/a  layer of freshly fallen snow and it was freezing!  the first time I had to use the ice scraper this season.

the hotel isnt as we expected, we had a nice fight trying to get Bo to sleep tonight.  I think we are going to have to pay for an upgrade to get the room we thought would work well for us but knew we couldnt get using his reward points.  but it would be worth a little money if we all got a decent nights sleep.

going to call the school that Caleb will go to to see if we can get a tour there today.   I need to make it to the grocery store too so we have lunch stuff, the great thing about this place is there’s a kitchen, it has a fridge, stove, dishwasher and dishes.   should make it cheaper to stay foodwise.

gotta run the kids are getting into stuff…

I know some of you find it hard to believe when you read about the faith that we have.   But if you read my recent posts you know things have been tough around here lately.  we’re a week away from not seeing Dean for weeks, about 3 weeks at most(we hope!) our van is in the shop still and we didnt think we could afford spending the holiday together in Ohio like we had planned due to Dean’s company no longer paying for the travel expenses and needing to fix the van.

Today was very busy…we had tons on our to do list, still tons that never got done and wont before we leave on Sunday.   one thing I kept pressing Dean to do all week was to call about our last refinance.  when we did the refi. in June they made us say we would pay off certain debts we had with some of the cash out money.   we argued w/ them about one debt we couldnt find anywhere but it was listed on our credit report so they wrote a check out for the amt due listed on the credit report written to that company listed.  we called tons of places and did our best to track done the debt we owed to fulfil the payment.  they told us if we couldnt do so after 90 days to call them and they’d reissue to check to us, since it was our money from the refi.

I told Dean it was an easy way to get more cash that we need, all we had to do was call them.  so I finally made him after I looked up the number they said we could come get the new check today.   it was a very busy afternoon and when we got in the car after coming out of their office Dean said too bad it’s not for $1000 jokingly.  I opened the envelope and the amt was about 5 times the amt it should have been, too bad it wasnt $1000, but it was way more than we expected.  so he went back in and told them they made a mistake, but was told that they were going through the acct when they checked it showed that had taken too much out for recording fees or something or another and they owed us the money, if we hadnt called we would have recieved a check for that extra money in a few months when 6 months had passed since the refi. date but since she had the acct up she just went ahead and closed out the credit and gave us one check for both mistakes.   now we can safely afford to go to Ohio and have money to pay for Dean’s food and expenses while there for the next few weeks not to mention feel comfortable about having paid to fix the van.
we knew God always provides for us and even yesterday said it would take a miracle for things to work out for this move, and things like this financial blessing happen.  it was not expected at all, part of it was money we knew we’d get but not the rest.  it’s amazing how when you have the faith to step out and do what’s next even when you’re not sure if you can and should and just when you feel defeated and as if you’d made the wrong choice, God steps up and says hey, I didnt forget about you…

so if you were doubting about that blessing or miracle in your life dont give up just yet….I am still in awe that this happened today.  I cant wait to see what other great things HE has in store for us on this journey.

the little ones are in bed and Dean is seeing Flushed away with Caleb as a treat. we  had a parent teacher conference today and got his report card, our big guy is a smart one they say, he’s reading and doing some math at a first grade level.  She said she hopes they do testing at the new school on him, our current school district doesnt.   I know Howard Cty does for kindergartners and places them in classes accordingly.   She said he will really be missed, she said why is it all the good students leave.  and I knew she meant it since Caleb wasnt there to hear it, and his teacher last year still dotes on him too and says things like that.   I was the proud momma for sure.  of course her concerns for him are the same as ours, he tends to rush through his work sometimes when he wants to do something else.  she said it frustrates her because she wants to put the stop students work up but sometimes she’ll put his up and she knows it just not as good as it could be because he didnt feel like trying then.   I hate hearing that, my brother was like that a lot in school, he was smart but didnt feel the need to apply himself all of the time.  so hopefully if we keep on him about it he’ll do better. she said he just needs reminded of it when he does it.  she said sometimes she’ll see him working and ask him what he thinks his mom or dad  would say if they saw that peice of work (when he’s messing around or not taking his time) and he’ll do better.  he’ll bring home perfectly written or colored things and I’ll be so proud and amazed, then sometimes he’ll bring home things scribbled all over that he obviously rushed through.   I always harass him about the scribbled ones because I know he can do better, and apparently the teacher does too!  she wrote on his report card that we are doing a great job raising him and that he is a joy to have in class.  it’s good to hear that when sometimes I wonder if my kids ever learn anything good from me.  I wish I could homeschool but I think Caleb needs more structure than what I could offer while tending to two little ones too.  he is doing great and I hope he does well adjusting to the new school in Ohio, we are going to tour it next week to see what it’s like.

well gonna try to start packing some, if I can convince myself to…I just dont have the motivation to right now…or at all.  it’s so overwhelming, the packing and moving.  maybe I’ll just go watch last nights ER on our tivo…sounds a lot better to me than packing…