Breaking through the Fibrofog…

I totally relate to Cheryl! All through my childhood I was always on the outside. I think back on high school and cant even figure out why I was on the outside. I was shy but not always. I played sports and was very involved in different groups yet I still didnt belong. I always felt like everyone was judging me and that I was being talked about or picked on but now I when I think back I dont seem to know why. I wasnt fat or even bad looking, senior year I think I may have looked as good as some of the popular girls but I still never fit in. The only reason I can think of was because I was a Christian, for most of those years, some of that time I was a normal teenager and did everything teenagers do. Before we moved back to baltimore a few short weeks ago we were in this small group from our church. All of the other couples had money and all came from somewhat wealthy backgrounds. I often thought that if we were younger I would never be accepted here. This group was made up of all the people who were the popular ones at their high school and who came from the good families - all the couples but us. If we were still in high school I know we wouldnt fit in. And I always dealt with that fact and knew that we still didnt really fit in with this group, but at least we were accepted by them. But before we left I realized that I had finally started to finally belong to a group of people and it hurt to know I was going to leave that and have to come back to a place where I never had a group to fit in to begin with.

My friend Stacey and I became friends freshman year. I cant figure out to this day what brought us together or what we really had in common back then. We are as different as night and day, yet we are still best friends to this day. With her I have always belonged, but like I said who knows why but I wouldnt want to lose her friendship for anything. I did once and I had to beg for forgiveness and even gave up other friends to keep our friendship strong. Aside from Stacey and Dean, I have no other friends that I would say I truly am close to. I left behind Penny, she was in our small group in Ohio and I think that I have missed her a great deal since we moved, but we werent even that close. We were starting to bond and I miss having her around to just call if I need to or to go out with if I wanted. I met one of Dean’s friends wife on Friday night and she seemed so familiar to me, when she said my name or talked to me it was as if I had known her forever, I’ve never felt that way when meeting anyone before. The thought that Dean and his friend are still close after all those years away gives me hope that we will indeed find friends to click with soon but I always worry about what other people think and I have a problem trusting people, especially if they are new in my life.

Dean and I are desperately wanting to find other couples we can relate to to go out with or just hang out with. We started to attend a small group at the church we are going to now but I fear we are once again a lot different than those in the group. We are younger than most of them and unlike them we own no house and have no prospect of doing so in the future. We have 2 vehicles, both of which are undependable, one which isnt even working right now. The only two commonalities we have with them is our faith and we all have or will have shortly children. But it is nice to have someplace to go each week and I think in time I may feel like I belong there, but right now I am on the outside looking in and doubting myself. The couple we hung out with on Friday night is a guy Dean went to high school with and his wife. They have no kids though, but they didnt mind the baby being with us, in fact they enjoyed him being there. The best thing about them is the ability to just drop in a visit if we like. Since we’ve been back I have really wanted to get togher with my cousin and her husband, they now have two kids as well, but they arent the type you can just drop in , you have to schedule things with them. we’re the type of people who’d rather just plan at the last minute or even a day or two in advance but it seems everyone else around here you have to schedule time in with. So it’s been kind of tough getting out much except with Stacey.

We’ve got another dinner planned with my dad and his gal friend this week, it’s a night out, but not necessarily the kind of quality time we are seeking with another couple. It’s hard to think of discussing life and relationships with my dad and his date.

Things we just getting normal and we were getting settled in Ohio, but that we before we left and here were are back in the place where our dating journey began. Funny thing is once we started dating it began to be just us. My friends didnt want much to do with Dean, and in fact were greatly hurt that I’d dated someone from outside our church clique. Deans friends, well I had trouble hanging out with them, most of them were exs of Deans and I had trouble with that, and well most of my friends were my exs too so I guess that didnt help Dean much either. So after a while we move to Ohio together with his family and it took those 3 years to finally get to a place of being comfortable and now we’re back to square one. I am sure things will get settled here eventually I just dont know if I can emotionally stand waiting for that to happen. And it’s hard to do much getting out when I am taking care of the baby twenty four seven and Dean has 12 hour work days. So it’s usually only the weekends that I feel like getting out much and well they are a lot less weekends than weekdays so I spend more of my time alone with the baby than out in society or even with just Dean. I guess it’s just going to take a while…….

Last night was dinner with my dad and his “friend.” Apparently as he told my husband, he keeps a few women at a time but they all know about each other. Yeah he’s definitly Jerry Springer material, but heck, he’s still my dad and I keep praying some of our decency rubs off on him, but I am not so sure thats even possible. So I was expecting his “friend” to have some major issues and well to not be so decent looking. No, she’s not beautiful but she’s definitely not what I was expecting, I was prepared for some missing teeth and frazzled hair, but what I got was a very well put together young lady with very well manicured nails, that and lets not forget to mention 8, and 6 year old daughters with another due in 2 months and we wont even discuss the paternity issues with that one. So we go to a great restaurant where I have the best salmon I’ve ever tasted and afterward we went for ice cream. It was the most pleasing evening I’ve ever had out with my dad, things are definitely changing with him, yet he’s no saint yet by any means, but theres a noticeable amount of changes that are more positive than not. But I wasnt expecting much anyway, the very fact he’s being so persistent in keeping in touch and wanting to see us and the baby is breakthrough enough for me, hey, I know it’s all answered prayer I’ll just need to keep praying for all the other major issues he’s got going on. For me its enough right now to know and see his love for his grandson, I never thought he’d have a relationship with Caleb and the prospects of it are amazing, even if he isnt the greatest role model out there. Like I said, he’s still my dad, and for some crazy reason I am determined to keep loving him and praying for him despite our past, if anything for the chance of Caleb knowing his grandad.

While we were out last night, Stacey was out on her second date. Since high school I’ve never met any of the guys she’s talked about hooking up with. I was excited for her when she said she met a guy. But it doesnt seem like we’ll be meeting him anytime soon. Apparently she feels he’s not worthy yet of meeting us. Meanwhile I feel somewhat jilted by the fact she wont let us meet the guy. I guess I was just getting anxious for her to find a nice guy and am being selfish cause I want to see for myself this guy she is drooling over. But something about it bothers me, I’m afraid maybe she’s worried about us meeting him for some reason. I am definitely not one to judge anyway and we’re very accepting of people, even strangers. I cant help but worry that it’s got something to do with us being Christians, that maybe she wants to make sure it’s okay for him to go out with us or something. Who knows. I guess I am just thinking about it too hard, like I said I just want to meet the guy. I hate just talking about him and not having a face to put to the name. I want so much for her to find the kind of happiness Dean & I have together. She deserves someone great and heck I dont want her wasting her time on someone who cant offer her the world on a gold patter….nah, just kidding there. I am sure she can take care of herself just fine, but it sure is nice to have someone special to come home to at the end of the day….speaking of which……Dean’s car broke down on Tuesday night so he has been taking my car thus leaving me stranded at home with the baby. And I must say the last few nights when he gets home I feel like I’ve never been happier to see him. I think it’s partly not having an adult conversation all day, that and I’m so used to him being closer, being able to visit him at lunch time or even enjoying a drive in to work together. He’s such a great daddy and I wish he had more time to spend at home, I am so looking forward to the weekend so we can spend some quality time together , maybe even go out without the baby if we can manage it. But I enjoy our nights out with Caleb too, to be able to share the responsibility of caring for him and especially to have other people see how great of a daddy he is. Speaking of Dean and Caleb, right now they are both cuddling in bed and I am longing to go join them………….

Who takes care of baby when mommy is sick? And who takes care of mommy when mommy is sick? It’s a question I am trying to figure out today. Two weeks ago I came down with a cold. It just went away a few days ago. Then yesterday I developed some sort of eye infection. Its a lot worse than pink eye and I just dont know what to do. Luckily I got the dr to call in some medicine so I wouldnt have to drag myself and the baby out. But I am having trouble seeing and I am so afraid I will give this junk to Caleb. Dean cant come home from work early, neither can my mom. My best friend started a new job today. So I am all alone and quite miserable. At least Caleb is starting to sleep more between feedings so maybe he’ll be okay today.

last night Dean and I had a huge spat, well huge because I am a drama queen! I realized as we sat talking about it last night that I was the one making it so bad, and I just gave in and gave up trying to get my point across. Sometimes it’s just easier that way. But its the first big argument we’ve had in I dont know how long and that scares me. I am so afraid that thing will get bad between us because of the baby. So many people split up after having a baby, and I dont want that to happen to us. And I got so scared last night that we were going to split up, we have a great relationship and like I said I am sure I made the situation worse by getting emotional. I have no reason to think we would split up but theres always that fear, especially after having grown up in and around so many dysfunctional families.

Speaking of dysfunctional families, my dad has called me more in the last 2 weeks than he has my whole lifetime! My parents split when I was six, and dad was never around or when he was it wasnt good. But since I’ve had the baby he has tried so hard to get together or even just call and talk. yesterday I had to make him get off the phone with me! I dont know what to make of it, and I am very cautious about getting close to him. We have dinner plans tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.

Last evening was so bad. Caleb must have known his daddy wasnt home. Usually when Dean gets home from work he barely puts Caleb down. So last night all Caleb wanted was to be held. My mom & I eventually figured out he was having trouble with his belly too, but still I think he knew daddy wasnt home. So I went to pick Dean up early this afternoon, we got home, I fed Caleb & Dean showered. Ever since then they have both been sleeping peacefully together. I tried to wake Caleb to make him eat, I want to make sure he isnt up all night tonight, but he kept going back to sleep it took forever to get him to finally eat something. He still didnt finish his bottle though, and he always does. I guess he is nice and comfy now that his daddy is with him. I took a short nap too and I must admit I slept much better with Dean there, and to think it was only one night apart and our crazy little routine got all messed up, I so feel for those who are permanently missing loved ones now.

we are so blessed and I know we often take advantage of how good we have it. As I sat adoringly watching the two loves in my life sleep I was overcome with joy and peace; overjoyed at how blessed I am and at peace knowing that despite how crazy the world around us gets we have each other and that God will provide and take care of us.

I intend to wake up both of my angels soon, I want to get out to enjoy the nice day we are having. But they look so sweet just the way they are….

Compared to yesterday today is simply beautiful; it’s even hot out again. I was so happy to see that I received my last paycheck today, mostly cause we werent sure I’d be getting another one. So Stacey and I went out to lunch and for a little shopping. It’s always such a chore having to take so much stuff for Caleb along but he is such a good baby all of the time that it’s silly to find a babysitter to go out.

Saw an old friend still working at the mall, it’s been a few years and he is still working a mall job. Didnt stop to chat with him, but thought about it. I decided after that it’s good to still keep a low profile to make sure certain people dont know about the move back, but rumor has probably already spread.

Caleb is still recovering from his first cold, but he is doing really well, like I said, he’s such a good baby. Right now he is laying on the couch talking to me and trying to get some attention, so I am going to get some baby loving…. I love my son so much, and am missing his daddy today….

I had a drs appt today, to help figure out why my blood pressuer is high. The appt itself was short and sweet. Then I had to go to the lab to get blood drawn and give a urine sample. Then I headed home to figure out how I was supposed to go get a chest xray with a infant. So I recruited Stacey to tag along to babysit while I got my xray taken. I didnt know why I was getting a chest xray, thought it better to not as the dr why. But they did the xray then said to wait to make sure they got what they needed. After what seemed like forever the nurse/tech came back and asked if I had high blood pressure. I told her what was going on. Then she asked if I had asthma or any other problems, I said no. She walked out then came back and said they needed to take one more xray. So they did, then I had to wait again to make sure they had what they needed, then I was allowed to go. All the while Caleb slept next to Stacey in the waiting room. So if I wasnt worried before, I am now. I just cant figure out why the xray tech would ask that.

The highlight of the xray was beforehand when they asked if there was a chance I was pregnant, every other time I’d had a xray I always had to say yes there was, but this time I quickly said no. So she asked when my last period was, I laughed and said well I had a baby 6 weeks ago if that helps, and she laughed. And I said I better not be pregnant, although I wouldnt be too upset if I was.

The weather here is awful; dreary, cold , and rainy. A perfect day to stay inside and sleep, but despite my desire to, I havent slept since 8 or so this morning. And last night I had the worst time sleeping, I think I was worried about my drs appt today.

Well I am sitting here waiting for my hubby to get home and hoping it’s soon. The days seem so long without him, and tomorow night he wont be comign home, he’ll be heading to the Pentagon to hand out food to the workers there. So I know the next two days will drag on for me and I hope to get a good nights sleep tonight since I wont have help Friday night with the baby. For me the upcoming days, okay, weeks hold no plans for me, just the usual daily routine of caring for our little angel. I hope to find something to delve myself into soon…but it’s hard having to take Caleb with me everywhere. But hopefully I can find something Caleb friendly to do.

Caleb is a little over 5 weeks old and he is getting so big, not fat, just longer, I think. Considering how tall his daddy is it makes sense, but I thought for sure we’d have a fat baby seeing as neither one of us is skinny by any means. But since I have had the baby I have lost 30 lbs! I am wearing my old clothes, probably some are a good two years old and didnt fit me before I got pregnant. I feel so good about myself, losing weight does that to you I guess. Today I managed to get myself up and out for a walk with Caleb. It felt so good, had it not been so hot and muggy out I may have walked longer than I did - that and my incision started to ache some. I guess after days of not walking up or down stairs (my moms house is all one level) that I have come lazy and out of shape. So I am going to try to walk everyday.

Tomorrow I have a drs appt to further check into my blood pressure problem, it’s kind of scary, but I know it will be better to find the cause and treat it then not to.

It’s so good to be home, sometimes. The best part is having Stacey back in my life, I mean we kept in touch, but it was getting very distant, or so I thought. Today we had a good long talk, just like we used to. It felt great ! I think just being able to talk to someone other than in baby talk is nice! I am going to hate it when she gets a job and isnt around as often. Funny thing is as I sit here writing this I know she will probably read it and I always get worried about writing about people that I know will read what I write. But I guess at least she will know how much I am enjoying getting back into the swing of our friendship again! Another funny thing about us is that we rarely actually do anything but sit around and talk, and well of course , eat! But then again I barely get out much anyway with the baby so I am sure that is the reason. I was impressed with myself for getting out for a walk, and tomorrow I’ll be glad once I get to my drs appt and back without a hitch.

Despite our lack of time and energy, Dean and I seem to be doing well. By the time he gets home from work he is exhausted and by the time he gets home so am I. We have an understanding though, since I dont work I take care of the baby, and he does his best to take over from the time he gets home til he goes to bed, then I am back on duty all night. We’ve learned to take advantage of Caleb’s sleeping to spend “quality” time together. I must admit I think this whole situation is causing us to get closer together. We actually communicate about things and more importantly are discussing our future and the possibilities it holds for us as a couple and individually.

Last night we went to a small group meeting of couples/singles from the church Dean attended for most of his child/teen years. It was nice to be plugged in so quickly since we know people there and 4 of the couples are expecting so Caleb wont be out of place. I cried though to think of how much I miss our group from Ohio. Last night as we prayed for one of the couples who is coping with infertility it hit me the hardest. I remember discussing that with our group then being able to break the news that we were pregnant finally.

When we talked about moving back here that was our big concern, our church, but it seems that that is becoming what of the least of our concerns as we find ourselves getting plugged in so quickly. The biggest concern now is money and housing. More than that is the stress of Dean’s daily commute, I know it is hard on him and it makes my day even longer and lonelier since he seems to be never home and when he is is so tired. So we are getting anxious about moving closer to his work yet we know we cant afford to yet and with still an option out there to move into his aunts house when she moves we are trying to be patient. And if we dont move in there, I will end up having to get a job, since any other option will cost more money. So it’s tough right now coping but it’s also calming to know that we are surrounded by a new church family, and our loving friends and family. So another day here in Baltimore…..and things seem to going just fine. We really looked forward on this move as being very difficult yet each step seems to be falling in place so easily, almost too easily, and we know that is nothing but God’s grace and providence for us. Last night at group they talked about facing your fears and doing instead of tthinking, and thats what we did. We knew the move and all the changes would be hard, and yes I was very afraid, but every since we stepped out in faith things have moved along so smoothly. Except for last Tuesday, but that affected the world not just us so I wont count that. We can only hope the future will remain as changing and yet stable as it has been thus far….