Breaking through the Fibrofog…

I’m normally not drawn into shows like dateline or 20/20 but was intrigued when I saw a commercial earlier today about tonight’s episode of dateline w/ Tom Brokaw. This past Wednesday we attended the Baltimore Emergent cohort meeting and watching this tonight has reminded me of some of the things we talked about then. i admit I’m ignorant about different religions and am confused when Brokaw terms the church he’s spotlighting as Evangelical. I immediately questioned Dean if this is a denomination or what exactly does that term stand for? this church being interviewed tonight looks good, reminds me alot of the vineyard but a lot more showy. but maybe that’s just my take on what i’m seeing, but maybe that’s what the media wants you to think.

I told Dean the only people, aside from the pastor were all very nice looking individuals, heck if I was single and lived in Colorado…i’d jump to join the 20 something group there. Did they focus on those people because the Pastor gave them names of people or did they choose “pretty” people to make religion look more appealing. Maybe I’m looking too much into their motives, but I dont get why during primetime shows they’d have a show targeting religion. For the most part I’ve not heard much negative come out of this show which is good for the sake of putting Christians in a good light for once, but still makes me wonder why they are spending the time on this issue tonight.

at the emergent meeting this week, and the last one we attended I always felt so stupid. Like I said I’m pretty ignorant of what’s going on in other religions and since we attend a non denominational church it’s not like we have a tie to one certain denomination. Our church was birthed from a baptist affiliation and at first I wondered if that would affect my liking the church, not having been baptist and in the past being turned off by baptist churches I’d been to. one of the biggest things I’ve liked about the emergent meetings is the cross denominal ties and being amazed that people are willing to give up their denominational ties to be at a church in which their needs are met more than sticking in the church in which they should best fit by theological standards.

Before age 6 I dont remember church and dont think we ever went. after my parents divorce, when I was 6, we tried different churches. I believe we went to some catholics ones, I mostly remember the episcopal church where I recieved my first communion but I also have bad memories of having to meet my dad there for family counseling. After that we went to the same church til I went to college, I wont speak much of it because theres too many negative things associated with it and I dont want to open that can of worms here. truth about that church is I will never go there again and would not recommend anyone go there, in fact my heart breaks for those who feel stuck there or are blinded to the truth of things there. After going to a christian college for semester and remembering why I hated christians in general dean and I stopped going to church for a while, years even. We eventually felt something missing after we were married a while and ended up at a vineyard, someplace we miss dearly still. When we moved back to Baltimore we thought we’d try the church dean grew up in, but that again turned us off and sought out another church. we visited a church or two more and after one visit fell in love w/ our current church. that’s where we are now. We love our community of Faith but still long for more. being a part of the emergent conversation and realizing that I need to spend more time investigating my faith and that of others makes me want to, again, revisit issues from my past and finally come to terms with why I am so afraid of finding the truth. I now know it’s ok to question my faith and most importantly that being in an environment where it’s ok to question things makes that a lot easier. I want to know what I believe and where that fits denominationally, or at least how it would best fit, not beacuse I want to go to a denominational church but because I feel so lost in what I truly believe. I dont want to feel dumb among those who know so much about their religion, all I know is that I believe in God and what Jesus did for my sins and that everyday I do my best to live out my faith authentically. I believe in a lot of other things but to me the big part has been that I’ve just tried to do my best, right now I know I need for myself, and for my kids, to figure it out more so that I can do a better job at being a christian and in how I teach that to my kids. I dont want my kids to be failed by leaders and I want them to be able to rely on Dean and I and know that they are free not only to question but that I dont expect them to follow in our footsteps that as long as they live their lives to be loving and kind and to be the best person they can be then that’s fine. but I also want them to know why I beleive what I believe even if they dont agree.

before having kids I always said I wont push my faith onto my children, I question today if that’s possible. If we go to church every week and are involved will my kids feel like they have a choice? I’m sure as they get older and can chose for themselves I can see myself allowing them the freedom to seek other religions. I’d rather let my child investigate and be available to them when they want to talk about it, but I dont want to force my kids to be christians. I dont want my kids to grow up in church and grow as a young adult to hate it like I did. I’m sure if it’s a good environment that shouldnt happen, but so many in our generation as young adults have been failed and I dont want my kids to relive that. how do we fix our churches so this doesnt keep happening, I dont know but I know I will do my best for my kids and my friends kids to make them want to be a part of this thing we call religion, or better yet, part of a community of faith in which they can grow and question and mature in that faith. i am afraid of what my kids will face as I remember my rough journey on this spiritual walk, I want to be prepared to be there for them and that means I need to reconcile my beliefs. I wish I knew where to start but I believe w/ God’s help I’ll figure it out!

Ok so we’ve got a while and sorry but we’re not sharing this kiddos name til he/she arrives, but still, wouldnt you love to offer name suggestions for us!?!? So give us what you’ve got, anything starting w/ E is game. I am in love w/a few non E names but dont think I’ll be able to convince Dean to not do an E name, but it’s not like we did it in order anyway, I mean Caleb was before Bo, so really do we have to stick w/ alphabetical? oh yeah, for the reason why we are doing Alpha names…A is for Amy …Bo is for Boaz…C is for Caleb….D is for Dean….and now E for ___________

The reason Caleb was a “C” not a “B” is because we had a “b” girls name picked out (brynn) but a “C” boys name. so we stuck w/ the names we had picked and then just kept Brynn for the second round but turns out we had to still pick out a boys name. now I am almost set in my mind I want this to be a boy too, and so we’ll see if we get a boy or girl, but either way this kid needs a name!

for the local readers…here’s a few events we might attend this weekend, two friends have asked us to go to different church events as well but I have no info on those. funny thing is one is from 12-3 and the other 4-7 I think so we can do both and then the other things, if I”m not too worn out!! My mom is coming in the morning to help do a deep clean of my kitchen cabinets…sounds like fun but it really needs done! so for the fun stuff, let me know if you are interested in meeting us ! patterson parklatern parade on Saturday at 7 pm.

“Sunday in the Park,” Seasonal entertainment includes treats for little tricksters, buried “treasures,” worm races, prizes, hands-on history and more. Centennial Park South, Columbia, 1-5 p.m., 410-313-4700. found via Baltimore’s child

never really been “into” halloween but who can pass up free kids entertainment and candy all weekend long! Sounds like a sure plan for family fun to me!

I’ve decided I know why I’m not as excited for another baby yet.. with the first two, ok lets start w/ Caleb. I wanted, we wanted, a baby badly and waited a few years for it to happen. I always dreamed of being a mom. With Bo; Caleb was older and we again wanted another baby and waited for it to happen. This time I’ve still got a baby around the house so it’s not like I’m envious of others w/ babies as I was before the first two pregnancies. Someone asked us this week ;when we announced to a room of mostly strangers that we are expecting again, if congratulations were in order. Dean made some comment about it being just another baby or something. Sadly I guess things get lost on the 3rd for us at least, but I’m certain it’s more the closeness in age to bo that this baby will be. It’s one thing to look forward to an infant when you’ve got an independent almost schoolage kid around who’s not so high maintenance but when you’re still getting up at night w/a baby it’s a different perspective. i dont really understand why anyone, without a solid reason, would have two kids so close in age. I dont even think our doing so was necessarily the best idea.

So why in the world are we pregnant again so soon you might ask if we really werent ready, well as if anyone is ever really ready…but in my mind and through many conversations while bo was an infant about future children, I cant (or rather couldnt) afford to wait another 3 years or more before getting pregnant again or it wasnt going to happen. my health has been in flux so much since having Caleb and the more years go by the worst I imagine my health being; simply because that’ s how it’s gone, every year some new strange diagnosis or symptom. I was afraid if we didnt try sooner than later for another that I’d never get the chance. When talks of a possible diagnosis of MS loom over your head the world looks a lot different in terms of the future. Sure we could have waited and if God blessed us then we’d know it was his timing, but to me He chose to bless us now and to me that’s answer enough for me. we wont know for sure til after I deliver this baby if my symptoms are from MS, and even then we are just starting all the testing over again at that time so it may be a while yet til we know what is wrong with my body. I dont want to waste time, but in the same regard I worry that trying sooner than later to get pregnant wasnt a good idea. Maybe we should have waited til after knowing if this is MS or not, but then I was afraid I would never be allowed to have a third child. I decided for me it was more important to have this child then to find out what was going on because of the fear of what comes from whatever diagnosis i end up with.

Why am I even dwelling on this today? because I feel bad, physically bad. tired, the facial tingling, headaches and vision problems are getting worse again. I could call my neuro but he’ll order up tests, ones I cant put myself or the baby through right now. I am afraid I’ve done the wrong thing, bringing a child into this world knowing I may not be healthy enough one day to be the mom he/she will need. I felt that way with Bo, and on my worst days I feel that way about all of my babies, Caleb, Bo and Baby E. Not to mention I worry what burden it will be on Dean if my health doesnt improve. i’m fine really , in terms of how things could and have been, but daily I’m reminded by these nagging symptoms that something just isnt right. Some days it’s bad, but I’ve got two kids that need me and a hubby that does too, and that keeps me going, pushing myself to the max. today I’m tired and worn, and worried. I know God will continue to provide the strength I need but it’s still a struggle everyday and I know the next few months are going to be more challenging than ever. then I worry about after, when if I still feel this way we start to go back to tests and drs appts and waiting for answers. Answers that I wanted months ago, when as I feel bad today I cant explain it away because we dont know what’s going on. it’s hard to not know but I’m glad at least that I’ll be able to have baby # 3 before I’m not able to.

I guess I’ll add that I’m not only thinking these things because I feel bad but because I’m sick of the people’s shocked response to our being pregnant again so soon. heck we know people who’ve had babies a lot closer in age, and yes I dont think it’s a great idea, but when it takes you 3 years each to conceive your first two kids and you are worried about future health issues, there’s not really time to waste.

caleb and I made these today….mmmmm!!! Hoping it fills my chocolate craving for today!

being the parents of two very independent boys has taught us that as long as we know the rooms are babyproof, it’s ok with us to let the boys play either in the living room, Caleb’s room or Boaz’s room alone. while some may not condone letting an 11 month play alone, at times that is all that Bo wants. I check on him often and can always hear what he is up to. For the most part, aside from his new found love of markers, he’s not gotten into any dangerous or crazy activities. Sometimes you’ll check on him and finding him completely content all by himself, and sometimes if you bother him or try to play with him he’ll go elsewhere to play, although he loves to be cudddled and to rough house sometimes as well.

I promise you this was not posed, I watched him as he climbed up onto the chair to sit and play

the first time I found him like this I admit it was because he was alone and I heard him cry out because he was mad he couldnt get down, from now on calebs room is off limits to him playing alone! This pic was taken shortly after the previous one with me standing close by to see just how the smartie did it, he’s quite the climber and I’m afraid what he’ll get into next.

Boaz 11 months