Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Friday night Dean and I had planned to go on a date. My mom agreed to babysit, but all day Friday I was feeling very ill. Then we couldn’t decide what to do. In great need of a night out and some time alone w/ my hubby I fought hard to shower and dress w/ a fussy baby then went to get Dean. We dropped the baby off and went to this place called Holy Frijoles for some great mexican food. We drove around a bit then went to a bookstore/cafe to get the baby some books and us some dessert. We got back to moms shortly after 10 and by then I was ready to crash. Ever since then Dean has been sick and we think Caleb is either having a rough time teething or coming down with whatever bug we had. Needless to say we spent most of the weekend in bed or lying around the living room watching Caleb play.

I finally got around to updating Caleb’s scrapbook. And tonight we went to look at the puppy we are going to be getting. I’ll put pics up later. All in all it was a very uneventful weekend, and despite the fact we laid around all weekend I am still exhausted. Dean’s still sick, Caleb’s finally sleeping peacefully for once, thanks to baby orajel and tylenol and soon I hope to devour some chocoloate caramel nut ice cream and settle in to bed.

it’s going to be a busy week, 2 job interviews, a meeting w/ a possible daycare provider (keeping my fingers crossed, cause I am getting desperate) , and Dean’s last days of work. Not to mention Dean’s aunt and uncle will be staying w/ us next weekend. So much to do and so little energy w/ which to do anything! Ah, is it Sunday already!

well, I wrote earlier about things getting better, and as I put the baby down for his nap I was getting another call about a job! So I now have another interview for Tuesday. This job gives you a subsidy of $25/wk added to your pay to go towards paying for childcare. It’s not much but it’s better than nothing! My problem will be if I have to decide which job I want more. It’s also not far from home, 10 minutes but pending traffic it may take longer, but I think it’s on the bus route so that might be good for us too. So much to think about. I liked job seeking when I had a reliable car and no baby to worry about daycare for. Job seeking sucks as is, but all of these other things make it even more stressful. Not to mention I havent worked in months, well not for money. I work my butt off everyday tending house and baby and in the evening husband but the pay stinks and the positive reinforcement you get from clients or coworkers, well it’s just not there. Now I love taking care of my husband and son, and I do it out of love. But I think I need to get back to work for myself. I am quite a different person when it comes to work, its amazing how different and I know I need that social interaction and feeling of accomplishment and worth. there’s a great deal to be gained from being a SAHM, but sometimes a woman just wants a career. I hate to think that I am not as valuable becuase I dont have a real job, meanwhile I do the hardest job out there. Soon I will be doing a real job and being a wife and mommy, and that I think is harder than being a SAHM. I mean I can now clean and cook and do laundry throughout the day. Once I start working my time will be very limited and I am going to spend as much possible of it with my son and husband, but I know it will be hard to get as much done as I do now once most of my day is spent outside the home. I think Caleb will benefit from being with other children, and I know I need some adult conversation! (I dont mean to say being a SAHM is less a job than being a working mom, no matter if you work or not , being a Mom is the toughest gig out there. I am just saying I dont know how I will be able to manage caring for everything at home and working, I know I can, I just cant imagine how it will work.)

Things are suddenly starting to look a little brighter! I have a job interview on Wednesday, I had a phone interview for the job already and the lady seemed interested. She was very nice about my being a stay at home mom. She called on Wednesday and I tried to talk to her but Caleb was screaming away, he had just woken up from a nap. And she told me to call back Thursday when Caleb was napping and that she would be in a meeting at 10 but if that was nap time to call then and she’d talk to me. So on Thursday we talked and she ended by setting up a real interview on Wednesday. It’s only about 20 minutes from home and it sounds like a good job.

We were going to have Dean stay at home w/ Caleb for a while while I worked but it looks like he may be getting a new job soon too! So I called a few places about daycare to no avail. But last night while at the grocery store we saw a flier for a daycare and I was hesitant to call, but after all the other places were full I figured it wouldnt hurt. This lady was so much nicer than anyone else I have talked to, must be cause she’s a grandmom! She only wants $95/week! Some places I called today wanted $175! She doesnt live that far from us either. So I am going to go meet her on Monday. Hopefully she doesnt get a ton of other calls before then, but she seemed very nice and she watches a 5 & 7 yr olds full time and her 3 yr old grandson 2 x a week.

with any luck we are going to use Dean’s 401k money to fix our cars and pay off some credit card bills, but it depends on how soon he can get that. Something about having to wait until the week after his last day until they can put in for it to be sent to him. Even w/out that we should be set, Dean gets a month of severance pay and if we both start workign before the month is up we will be ahead of the game, for once! We paid our first real mortgage pymt yesterday, it was scary. Now just 30 more years of pymts!

I think my little angel might have an ear infection. He keeps pulling on his ear, he usually does so when he is tired, but he’s been pulling it all day yesterday and today. I cant imagine he’s tired all day long?! I dont know if I shoudl call the dr since he’s acting ok otherwise. I’ll see how the afternoon goes. tongiht Dean and I are going on a date, my mom is going to babysit! I am so pysched, I am actually stressing over what to wear!

I cant watch one single Oprah show w/out crying. It drives me nuts, I wonder why I put myself through the torture of personal growth through hearing others stories. Today the topic was Inside Personal Journals. I always get something out of her shows, and today it wasnt life changing, just affirmation that there’s more to my writing than just taking time out from my busy day. I know that the more I write the more I learn about how I am doing. I write things I would never say or even share with anyone. I also tend to write things and then look back at it and say wow is that really how I feel. Its like I start writing and my hands just type the words in my head without me even realizing what I am saying. Then afterward I can read it and see how I truly feel or think about things. There are days when I feel like crap but I’ll write about how great my family is. Chances are I am just upset about how we are struggling and how hopeless things seem, yet in the midst of all the stress, life goes on and great things are happening. We are all growing and changing and loving. I hate the days when I feel like I should write yet I try to and cant. Writing is my anti-drug. Today there are a lot of words in my head that I dont have time to write, and instead I share the feelings of them w/ Dean and Caleb through my actions. Lucky for them today I am in a good mood!

It worked! I taught Caleb to call me mommy! In the last few days he will say it quietly as if he’s not sure of himself. He proudly says Da da da all day long, until today. Today he walked over to me and said Mamma and held up his arms! I was on the verge of tears, I swooped him up into my arms and gave him a big hug and lots of kisses! Ah, the joys of being a stay at home mom!

Despite our financial problems, I must say I am thrilled to think Dean may get some days to spend w/ Caleb as a result of his lay off. I think he and Caleb will both benefit greatly from more time together, even if it is going to put us in the poor house, at least we’ll be happy and together!

Today we went to Sandy Point State Park with my brother and his family. It was Caleb’s first beach experience. I got the worst sunburn. We lathered the kids in sunscreen and Dean too. But I thought it would be nice to get a little sun but I didnt realize how much I would get til I am aching all over now! Dean was being a sweetie and slathering me with aloe vera and thought that he should take a pic cause it is so red. What a husband! I always do this, every summer I get a really bad sunburn and say I’ll not do it again, but here we go again! Despite the agony I will be in for a few days, it was well worth it. Caleb loves to be in the water and he really enjoyed being able to play in the sand. I never let him play in dirt cause I hate cleaning him up a zillion times a day, but today I let him go for it since I could just take him for a swim in the bay to rinse it off. It was great to be with my brother and his family. I am so glad we are able to be near them now. Unfortunately that means we are away from Dean’s family, and now we are missing them lots. Why cant we all just be in the same place!? I hate having to have them miss out on things but if we were there I’d feel that way about my family. Theres no way to win.

Caleb has decided he no longer wants to eat baby food, he hasnt eaten any in days. But everytime I get out a yogurt to eat for myself, he cries until I share it. So this morning I got out my yogurt and gave him a few spoonfuls then got out a bowl and mixed some baby food in it w/ some dry cereal to make sure he gets his iron and he ate it. Until he figured out I was eating my yogurt from a different container than the bowl I was feeding him from! He’s too smart for me! But at least I got some food in him. All he ate yesterday was bananas and a few noodles. I feel bad that he doesnt eat much but he just wont. Hopefully its just his teeth bothering him. At least we wont have to buy baby food anytime soon!