Breaking through the Fibrofog…

As many girls do as they grow up, I often dreamed of the little girl who I’d name Arianna when I’d have a daughter.  When we married, we decided when I was pregnant w/ Caleb that if we had a girl then we’d name her Brynn Marie.  (ironically Dean’s neice’s name is a mix of the two, brianna, I was bummed when they had a girl and named her that, knowing I’d never name a girl Arianna when there was a girl w/such a similar name already in the family)  And after our last boy was born I knew that I’d never give Birth to a little girl.  I am fine w/ that now, and even grateful that I dont have a girl for many reasons.

Yesterday I took Caleb (and the two youngins too) to the “scout shop” to get his cub scouts uniform.   I’d never known anyone who was a scout growing up and was completely clueless but the salespeople there were awesome and even were able to convince Bo to calm down by persuading him he didnt need a handbook, like Caleb’s, instead he settled on a zoo theme book for much less money!  As I tried to walk around (which was hard w/ two tired babies, or toddlers)  my interest was growing and even as I struggled w/ the two fussy kids, I knew that I’d find that this store would be home to many such trips and in the years to come I’ll be going back, to buy things for Bo’s first scout adventure as well as Zeke’s.  I’m so excited that they’ll have this chance to learn so many cool thing and also many life skills, and the best part is that for now Caleb’s teacher is Dean.  I know that once the other two join and Caleb is a boy scout insead of a cub scout, that that may mean I get to be a den leader for cub scouts so that I can be a bigger part of their learning and experience so that Dean can continue on as a leader for Caleb.

I love dreaming about our family’s future.  When the day to day struggles get to weigh me down, as they often do w/ two young ones and a demanding older sibling, I often just sit and watch my boys and am amazed at how blessed I am to raise these boys that one day will be great men.  that one day they’ll make a woman a great husband.  and why…because each day they each exhibit more and more of their fathers attributes, all in their own way.  caleb has his fathers gift for hospitality, always wanting to invite friends over to eat w/ us or just be here to hang out.  Boaz has his father’s social skills as well, he’ll say hi to everyone and will often even engage strangers in conversation, much to their dismay they often cant understand him!  Zeke has one of his best fathers traits yet, he’s a lover.  he will hug and cuddle and love with all he has.  there’s many other traits I see in the boys that remind me of Dean.  Day in and day out I see this.

Growing up w/ out a great father figure it means so much to me that my boys have such a great role model to look up to.  But I also know from experience that even though you may not grow up w/ your father in your life, you will still portray many of his same character traits and even behaviors, sadly I see this often in my brother, who for years was never w/ my dad but often talks just like him or even has the same facial expression, sorry jesse, but it’s true and it amazes me still that w/out having in our lives we’re still a part of him and it’s in our dna.    How blessed are my boys to have their fathers dna.   that is why I can sit and dream about the coming years and know I will only grow to love these boys more and more as they become the loving man that their father has taught them to be, despite how mean and terrible they can act at this age!!

so I’m glad I have three boys to be on this journey with.  I’m excited about their futures and more importantly how Dean and I can help them along that journey.   Dean and Caleb went on their first cub scout camp overnight last night.  I was up late and up most of the night sick, again.   This morning I managed to get dinner in the crockpot, laundry is going and the house is cleaned up.   (all day yesterday I had let dishes sit in the sink, the dishwasher didnt get emptied til bedtime and dirty clothes laid all over the place.   for many of you, you know this is very uncharacteristic of me….but for me it’s a good thing…letting the stupid meaningless things of the day go so that the more important things can get done.  )  we’re heading to the zoo in a bit, our church is having the band play for an hour.  so we’re going to go to that and walk around the zoo a bit then come home to rest some before dinner.    then we have to head to church, it’s our tech team weekend.

well gotta get some lunch so we can get going on the rest of our day.   have a good weekend…

A friend has offered to take the boys today so I can get some free time.  I’m torn between doing it or using the time to have a sitter to take Bo to get his hearing and vision checked as part of completing his evaluation by the school system.  I really could use the time to balance the check book or go grocery shopping….I really feel guilty for having someone take the boys when I dont really need a sitter, i.e. doctors appt or something essential that needs done.    But I also think I could use the break as Dean’s going to be gone tonight and tomorrow for half the day for the cub scout camping trip.   I need to learn to be grateful and not feel guilty about taking time for myself….

we’re finally getting some much needed rain, but the downside is the dogs wont go outside in the rain, not even if they need to poop or pee.  So I put them out and they went, I was very suprised.  They came in and as I got Zeke out of bed I saw that one of them, most likely, Shea pooped on the stairs.  i dont even know how she physically pulled it off, I just know it pisses me off!  so it’s dark and rainy, which is good so that I dont have to worry about going outside to chase down a naked Bo(like I did yesterday) and means we’ll spend all day inside.   So I’m trying to get a ton of chores done that have gotten left undone because of how sick I was.   We’re having our first small group meeting at our house tonight, I’m excited about it but also bummed that tonight was also an all womens worship night at church that I wanted to go to…reminds me, I want to get some music ready for tonight, maybe at least have one song or something.   It’s also Calebs first cub scouts meeting, he’ going w/ our friends since Dean and I cant go.   He’s so excited, I dont think he’ll mind us not going!

well back to chores…it’s just one of those lazy days, at least for the kids, i have tons to do today!

the day was as busy as I thought it would be.   currently the kids are playing in the garage, one is crying because he cant be a toddler, like his brother, they are pretending to be animals, so I thought that was pretty funny.   so this morning was the zoo trip, we got rained on, literally.  on the way to their early intervention both boys fell asleep, we were almost 45 minutes late for class because I got lost, at that point I was willing to go home but decided we mine as well go.  So I woke up the boys and they had fun.   After that we went to pick up the big boys from school and since then Zeke is napping and I’ve been trying to get some work done on my computer while Bo runs around the house(outside) completely naked!! (he’s potty training great this week so I didnt really care, but the kids are making fun of him)   gotta run. the kids are bothering me….geez, stinking kids expect me to feed them and keep Bo clothed, they are soooo needy!!

We’re reading this book for our moms group this year and I was very excited about it.  Now everytime I read it I feel guilty.  One of the main points of the book is that we have a “mission” from God and that he designed motherhood to be a certain way.   that this design has not changed eventhough our culture has.  I’m ok w/ most points so far as I already do most of what it says is God’s design for motherhood(although if I were a working mom I’m sure I’d be offended and wish that she didnt make me feel guilty about my choice to work outside the home.)  but I told Dean today that its making me feel guilty that we choose and even medically intervened to NOT have any more children.  I struggled w/ the decision to begin w/ for the same reasons she states in the book, that it is God’s plan that men and women in a marriage relationship “be fruitful and multiply”  she goes on to state that our culture has strayed so far from this that we even use birth control and abortion to protect our “design” for our lives and not God’s.

As a woman who medically probably shouldnt have kids I still am feeling guilty about our choice to use medical intervention to prevent us from getting pregnant.    I dont know that this is addessed in the bible at all.  I often wonder what happened before technology was so advanced, and I’m guessing thats why there were a lot of still births and/or maternal deaths after/during childbirth.   So are we wrong to protect our own lives by making this decision and is our selfishness  a sin in God’s eyes?  i’ve always felt guilty about the choice we made and now that I’m reading this book I feel even worse.  What makes it worse is that each month I endure physical pain (worse pain than I had after recovering a c-section, all 3 of them put together even) and some times are incapable of getting through the day w/out Dean’s help because of said pain because I am NOT pregnant.(seeing a dr about the irony of that next month)   its when I am feeling so crappy I think “if I had gotten pregnant this month I wouldnt feel so bad right now”  but the truth is I would, not in a painful way but in other ways because pregnancy for me is always unhealthy.   it just seems like everything around me is screaming that I messed up and we should consider having more kids, but I know it’s too late.    (well for me to get pregnant by dean that is, I am still able to get pregnant but um..that would be a sin too! ;-)  )

why is that we as mothers can feel so guilty about so many things, that we never seem to make the “right” choices?  I guess it’s just one of those things she also talks about in her book, how men and women were created different.  dumb dna.

the dr gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and we talked about the possible need for me to get a colonoscopy.  I’m really surprised I’ve managed to avoid getting one for as long as I have, and I told her had I not had the pregnancies so close together I probably would have had one by now.   We agreed to wait it out and see how I feel.

dean took the boys to McDonalds for lunch while I went to the dr.  Bo was so excited!  He loves is his daddy and he sure loves mcdonalds!

Tomorrow the preschool field trip is to the zoo, I really want to go but am not sure I’ll be up for it.   We’d have to eat lunch there and run to make it to their early intervention class then go get the boys from school when we’re done there.  So it will be a busy day if we do go to the zoo.

I’m planning on going to bed as soon as Dean gets home.   I told him I’ll have dinner at least started for him and the boys but my plan is being in bed til tomorrow morning when I have to get up!  :-)  only a few more hours….I can hang in there right??

Dean’s going to be a den leader for cubscouts!  I’m so excited for he and Caleb.  there’s a camping overnight this Friday, not sure if they are going yet or not.  I want them to because it will be fun, but I selfishly dont want another night/and morning w/out Deaner!!

This morning is dragging on, at least that’s how it feels to me.  I’m not motivated to do much and dont have energy to either, but I still managed to get some chores done.  the boys have been riding their bikes in the garage, it’s too muggy for Zeke and I to go outside to play, the humidity is horrible for our breathing problems.   It’s so odd that Zeke and I have both been having problems w/ asthma but it didnt happen til we moved here. different allergens I suppose, or something.  I’m dreading my drs appt.   it’s not w/ my regular dr so I’ll likely have to go into my whole life story and I hate that….I dont even know what I expect, I’m having chest pains again but all the last bout of tests were normal except for the heart murmur which has developed in the last year and they said it’s nothing to worry about.  I dont even want more meds, I just want them to figure out what it is and make it go away, but I know the likeliness of that happening….