Breaking through the Fibrofog…

keep forgetting to pick up my migraine meds from the pharmacy, and man has my head been killing me!!  looking forward to taking my pills tonight…zeke has made it through the day. hoping he doesnt keep us up all night.  Dean and the other boys went to see our neices school concert.    i stayed home w/ the sick kid in hopes I can pack some clothes for our fast approaching trip.

I’m so torn about this trip.  I really want to go but there are some issues I’ll have to face while there that I’ve been trying to avoid.   My dad is really sick.  he’s been in and out of the hospital and yesterday my grand mom said he’s looking forward to our visit.   I’ve never known him to even care so I was a little shocked but when your as sick as he’s been he might have a new look on things.  I hate to say it but I hope that is the case.   All in all it comes down to me being afraid that this will be the last time I see him.   Everytime I call my grandparents lately they’ve told me he’s in the hospital or just got out.   I’ve tried to keep in touch with him despite his lack of well…any return communication or even express concern/care.   he’s my dad and I will always respect him for that.  I know that at some point he and my mom must have been somewhat in love, to marry and have two kids…but then I know others who arent in love who do the same.  but it makes me feel better to know at some point they did love each other and my brother and I were created out of that love.  no matter how you look at it, he is my dad.   I will love him no matter how hard it is, and boy is it hard sometimes.  esp. when you have never felt loved back.

well I have to go…i’m in an emotional rut these days.  this class at church has been blowing my mind about some things too so I’m a little confused and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m willing to accept things as they are but dont know what is next.  if anything this trip will be a time for us to spend some quality family time together and I’m looking forward to that.  and seeing my friends will be nice too!!!  less than two days til we are there!!!

zeke finished his antibiotic for his double ear infections, I gave him the last dose on this Monday.  He kept us up last night,ok to be nice mostly Dean because I was too sleepy to deal with it.  He has been fevered and this morning I finally find our thermometer and sure enough his temp is climbing.   poor little guy.   He’s got his one year check up tomorrow, hoping he can hang in until then to get checked by the dr.  he has no symptoms other than grouchiness and pulling his ear, and well the fever.   I’m guessing the ear infection didnt go away.  pray he is better so we can leave for Baltimore on saturday as planned!

I watched my neice and nephew last week.   It went better than I thought, no one killed each other and I didnt feel completely horrible afterward.   the tough part as always is the day after.  yesterday I made 3 lasagnas and two two layer cakes, while taking care of my own kids, playing outside, cleaning, starting laundry….today I feel like crap.  I’m tired, my back hurts and I cant take anything else for the pain since I’m already taking pain meds.   I’ve kept the kids busy and am trying to keep up with laundry, but if I hadnt slept in I’d really be miserable.  now I’m just in pain and a little tired, but still tired.

the question is can I start watching my neice and nephew all of the time.  My bil and sil are both now working again and need someone to keep them.   They think that someone is me.   I’m one of the few who dont work.  Their kids are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2.  SO 4 kids under age 3.   3 in diapers.    Can I do it.  Probably not.  will I try, probably.

As I wrote in my last entry I have started helping watch kids on tuesday nights at church.  by the time I get there I am tired and achy from taking care of my own kids all day.   this is what always happens to me.  I finally start to feel good(a few weeks ago when starting the new meds)   then I think I am feeling well and can start doing stuff outside of my normal every day things.  I do and then I am back to feeling bad again.  I know this is what happens when you have fibromyalgia, if you overdo it on your “good” days you have more “bad” days.    Everytime in the past when I’ve tried to get a job, eiher  a real outside the home job, church volunteer job or daycare in my home type gig I get worse.  Somedays I struggle to get through the day to day of my own responsibilities, today was one of those days.  but I have done it, things are getting done, the kids played outside  and had fun…but the truth is I still feel badly.   and I still have to go to church tonight to watch kids.   I’ll come home from that and crash no doubt which means I have spent no time w/ Dean all day.  I hate that.

just a entry to vent….I dont feel as bad as I have in the past, but it’s enough that I want to be in bed despite my desire to be out playing or going for walks w/ my kids.   I am not because I do have kids to care for but if I could I’d be resting.  the little guys are napping now, at the same time for once in forever and caleb is snacking and drawing.

I dont want to be a slacker and I am motivated to do things but I dread these bad days that come from doing what I want to do.   Was it worth it to overdo it yesterday to take a meal to a family who just had a baby, a family who I hadnt even met until I took them the meal?  sure it was.   they  have a 2 year  old named Zeke and now a baby girl.  they live about 5 minutes from us and have a great park by their house.   we had a good chat and I look forward to seeing them more once their newborn craziness settles down.   so sure it was worth it to spend my day doing things for other people, but it uses the last of the energy I have left and now I have pain to go w/ it.  like I said it’s not horrible, but it’s affecting how I spend my day.  I wish there was a “day after” pill for folks w/ fibromyalgia.
for the class we’re going to on Wednesdays our homework for this week is to write a short paragraph about “our dream”  I used to now what that was.   I had a good handle on it.  now I’m not sure.    I seem to have lost my ability to dream.   I am at the point where I think it’s pointless, if I can barely do the normal every day stuff for me and my family and then want to do something outside that, well it seems hopeless.   it has never worked in the past, I mean I eventually give up on the things outside our home, if it doesnt need to happen it doesnt.  that means no working, no volunteering, whatever.   no doing what I dream I can.  so what’s the point in having a dream if you know it will never happen.  I think I’ve given up on my dream; and that scares me….

Zeke & I on 3.3.07, Darin & Sara’s wedding as well as Dean’s birthday

MORE PICS when you click MORE link…. and if you click on the picture it will open in another window bigger …just an FYI
(There is more where this came from … )

zeke’s first birthday bash was today and except for a meltdown on my part when seeing a huge mess in the playroom and sadly a bad response to it it was a great day.  after the party my SIL did a Mary Kay class, we did facials, it was fun.   after everyone left Dean, the kids and I went to Mcdonalds for dinner and left the party mess at home!   after that Dean got the kids bathed and ready for bed while I cleaned up.

I’m really feeling upset about how I reacted to a situation today.  I definitely need to get over my clean freakiness but after all the stress of the day it was just too much for me to handle.   I just dont know how to get past it sometimes.   I know sometimes it’s a bit much but sometimes others go too much to the other extreme too, and I’d prefer being too clean then the opposite.   oh well.   it’s late and my home it back to it spotless state, as I like to keep it.  I dont know how I manage to keep it this way all of the time and others cant but I guess it’s a blessing and a curse.  I was actually glad yesterday that I like to keep it so clean, I didnt clean the house at all today before the party because I keep up with it so much that it was already clean.  so that’s a definite plus when planning for a party.   I didnt make any food other than the cake and dessert and I did that yesterday so this morning was pretty low key around here, which was a nice way to start the day.

well I’m trying to get pictures downloaded and hope to have some up soon….better get working on that before I fall asleep..

my littlest boy is 1!!! I just looked at pics of him while he was a few days old and in the NICU.  I’m an emotional mess becuase of this and the fact my family and Balto. friends wont be around.  Ironically friends we know from Maryland are driving in tomorrow and will be around because they are going to a concert in Ohio tomorrow night.   Just wishing some other of my friends and family would be here….I’m really missing my best friends the most these days.    I’m slowly building relationships, ok quickly if you consider we’ve only been here a few months and some new friends are coming tomorrow.   but still…it just will never be the same for me.   some of you just cant be replaced!!  Love you all and cant wait to be back to visit in a week or two.

I still cant believe this time last year I was sitting in a hospital bed new mom to my third boy.  we’d just recently finished converting Caleb’s room into a room that would fit Bo to make way for Zeke in the nursery.   and there we no plans that we’d leave that home anytime soon.   yet here I sit preparing our new home, which has way more than enough room for all three boys and guests, for our first kid party here.   stinking motherly emotions mixed w/ hormones and fatigue….geez..I wish I werent so weepy on my kids first birthday.  but it’s the last FIRST birthday of one of my children.   so it’s got to be a good one right??
Bo spent the night at my Bil’s house last night and was there all day so today I spent w/ Zeke running errands, going to meet Caleb at school for lunch and later we were all back together having dinner w/ Dean’s parents.     there is no lack of Family here, it’ s just not my family and it does hurt.  i doubt Dean’s thought of that as I am an emotional mess for no reason to him but it’s just a tough thing for me.  I miss my family and friends and like I said, they cant be replaced.   It will get easier I suppose, but this is Zeke’s first birthday so it’s sentimental for a lot of reasons to me.

just wanted to make sure I tried to document something on this momentus day.   Happy 1st birthday little Zeke!!  my crawling and cruising little man.   You wave at everyone and awe them with your smile.   You are so little for your age…little next to others younger than you even.   could be the few weeks early you were born, or just how God made you I suppose but it makes me want you to stay a baby so much longer.  you’re not yet walking and we’re helping you work on that, but you need to help your little legs get stronger first.   So it’s easy to look at you and see you as our baby, and I love you so much today and always little man.   May you grow to be a wise and honest man who follows after your Fathers heart.

I’m getting bad at updating aren’t I?  well it’s been one of those crazy weeks around here.   Zeke was finally perking up, but then Dean and I got sick again.   One night this week all of the kids were up at some point, that night Caleb was up almost all night begging us to take him to the hospital because he was in so much pain, in the early morning hours I figured out the source, a ruptured ear drum, ouch!   Dean stayed home from work that day since we all slept little, so I took Caleb to the dr, and we all just wanted to rest, but I dont think we really got to.   Caleb started soccer this week.   he seems to like it, he’s the biggest kid , he is so much taller  than the other kids.

we have been busy every night this week, today I’ve got my brother in laws kids all day.  I was going to go to a moms night out w/ the moms group from church but I’m too tired and it’s still early!   My SIL came over today to work on  caleb’s room.   I felt bad I reallly couldnt help her because of all the kiddos!   currently my 2 and my BIL’s two.   Caleb has art class after school today so I dont have to pick him up until 4 so that’s a good thing.

I really have wanted to write and post pics but I just dont have time.   tomorrow is Zeke’s first birthday.  I have so many mixed emotions.   two nights ago I dreamt about him standing on his own and walking by himself, only to take him to an unproductive physical therapy appointment yesterday.  he just doesnt like standing or putting pressure on his feet.  next week she’s going to put him in full braces to see how he acts but she said she assumes he’ll hate it.  he cried for most of his therapy appt on Wednesday.  when I try to work w/ him at home he cries too, so I know he just doesnt like it, I’m afraid it may even hurt him to put his legs the correct way.   I had a night mare last night in which he was murdered.   I’ve not been sleeping well and when I do I have these crazy dreams, it’s really getting on my nerves.

anyway…not what I wanted to write about….so overall things are ok.   Zeke is feeling better, now that Caleb’s ear has ruptured he’s feeling better, Bo has a runny nose but hoping that’s the way it stays.   somehow for my kids ear infections are contagious. last time they all had ear infections, so far just zeke and caleb do, but w/ bo’s cold I am worried he’ll soon have one too.

we’re having Zeke’s first birthday bash on Saturday.  I’m looking forward to it, our first party at the new house.   should be fun.  invited some new friends over, which I’m also excited about.

well gonna go check on the kids…I know one of them has not been sleeping, but as long as he doesnt wake the rest up I’m leaving him put, he can sit in bed and babble all he wants, it’s quiet time, which means a sanity break for me….it’s going to be a long day…..they are here til after 8 I think…hoping we can get our kids into bed by 8 still but not sure how that will go over.