Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Been reading another blog lately and I am always amazed by how it makes me feel. If you’ve never had a difficult pregnancy after years of thinking you may never be able to have a child at all, you will not likely understand a lot of the feelings that a woman who has to deal with those issues have. Before getting pregnant w/ this pregnancy I had resigned myself that we more than likely weren’t going to be able to have any more children. Then by a small act of God we got pregnant (ok I’m sure no act of God is small, but….) right away the realization that the next 9 months were going to be less than fun hit me and I began to brace for the worst.

It seemed w/ my first pregnancy, which was obtained only after medical intervention, anything that could go wrong did go wrong. Sure things could have been worse, but it seemed like with every appointment something else would come up, the last trimester of that pregnancy was truly difficult. So when we got pregnant again I just sat back and waited for things to get bad.

things sailed by some with this pregnancy, but I did have the same first and second and now third trimester spotting that scares any pregnant woman, especially if it happens more and more often. Lucky for me the morning sickness that plagued all nine months of my first pregnancy ended sooner with this pregnancy, but once again came back to state it’s claim in the third trimester. Knowing that the last month and a half of my first pregnancy I was on bedrest and having a lot of issues, I have been thankful for every day that passes w/out being told to get my butt home in bed, well until last week of course! Last week it was just like my first pregnancy all over again. Went to what I thought would be a normal appointment and was sent home in tears and full of fears of the dangers of high blood pressure affecting me and my baby. This of course comes after just getting to a point where my glucose levels from gestational diabetes were under control, and sure enough now my fasting sugars are out of whack which means more possible complications for baby and I. On top of this my immune system which has never done it’s job, thus the pre-existing pseudo tumor cerebri, is now failing to fight off a killer sinus infection of some sort which is not only making me quite ill but is causing my sugar levels to stay out of the desired goals.

this morning at church I was talking with a women who has a one week old newborn. when I started to tell her about how often I have to go to the doctor and that in fact I had 5 doctors appointments last week she was truly amazed. She had a simple pregnancy and did her normal routine right up until delivery. So is not the case for all pregnant women, but if you’ve never known a women who had a high risk pregnancy you may not know that pregnancy is not as easy as some pregnant women make it seem. some of us thank our lucky stars to be able to get pregnant and then when we do we know that even though we have gotten pregnant the hard part is just beginning. I’ve only got a few more weeks left and am looking forward to the end so bad it hurts. I have no desire to give birth to a small unhealthy child, but I also dont look forward to the complications that await me in the next few weeks. not to say that things might not go fine and be uncomplicated, but from past experience and how I feel right now I’d be suprised if the next 3 1/2 weeks until my scheduled due date are uneventful to say the least. I’d love to sail through a pregnancy straight til 40 weeks and labor and vaginally deliver a happy healthy child, right now what I have to look forward to is a lot more closer to at latest a 38 week scheduled repeat c/s and thats IF things sail along until that scheduled c/s date. It’s not that I dont have faith in God for healing or even to provide for an unexpected onset of labor which could result in a vaginal delivery, heck my prayer right now is for just that. I truly want, no CRAVE, in earnest to go into labor soon and to be able to vaginally deliver this child with little to no medical intervention. what are the chances of that, who knows scientifically but I know the chances of that happen would be truly parallel to another small act of God, or really a big act of God.

I’ve told several people about my desire for a vaginal deliver brought on by my body’s own desire to deliver the baby, and keep being told I wont be missing anything by having a c/s. but if you dont have the choice and while to some it may seem like cutting the kid out would be a heck of a lot easier than going through labor, well I hate to say I dont know who is right. I know if I get another c/s (with this pregnancy) my chance of ever having a vaginal delivery in the future are out of the question. I know that a c/s is a major medical procedure. Having had my share of surgeries and hospital stays in the last three years I could so do without another surgery or lengthy hospital stay. Add to that the innate desire for a woman to give birth vaginally and naturally, and you might start to understand my desire to not have a c/s but to deliver like any “normal” pregnant women. my pregnancies are difficult and put me into a high risk category, with that I lose a lot of freedom that other pregnant women get. a big part of that is my choice in labor and delivery options. as my scheduled date for my c/s looms just around the corner (25 days!) I can only pray and pray hard that God intervenes and grants another desire of my heart. HE gave me the desire of my heart in allowing us to get pregnant with Caleb. Then 9 months ago my heart’s desires were once again fulfilled with that positive pregnancy test. I know HE can provide and that HE wouldnt have allowed us to have another child if HE didnt will it in our lives. So if you are a praying person please say a prayer that between now and Nov 24th my body decides to act like a normal pregnant womans and goes naturally into labor, if not we’ll gratefully arrive at the hospital on Nov 24th for the c/s that will let us meet our baby boy.

i’ve been having cramps/contrax of some sort all weekend and even some spotting again, so I dont know what that all means other than more fears in my mind about making it another 25 days, but I dont know at this point what to think. All I know is that I’m ready to meet my baby boy and that I’ll be glad when the worries of a high risk pregnancy are behind me, until next time of course! I’ve got a drs appointment tomorrow, of course, when dont I have a freakin doctors appointment? but really, I’ll be getting another non stress test so I’m hoping these cramps I am having are honest to good ness contrax, seems like I never have them when I have the non stress scheduled so with my luck it’ll be the same tomorrow, but I’m praying that maybe my body is doing something right for once. but today I had to stop and sit down several times and breathe so I’m hoping it’s a good thing. I never had this type of pressure and cramping w/ caleb so it’s kind of scary to feel, but it also gives me hope that I might be able to labor this time. but who knows. I”ve learned to never assume things will be easy so it’s probably nothing more than really strong braxton hicks contrax, but I guess that’s better than my body doing nothing at all! well I’ve managed to write a short novel again, sorry! seems like the closer I get to the end the more reflective I get of things, darn pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc on my brain!

just an FYI, no matter how hard my pregnancies are or how much I complain about being miserable while pregnant I would gladly do it all over again. I will not consider doing something to permanently alter my chance at having another child just because if and when I get pregnant again it’ll be me dealing with it. Sure it makes me consider not having any more children but it’s not up to me. If it’s in God’s will for us to have more kids, and I dont doubt that we will have more kids, then we are going to. It is hard, very hard to deal with difficult high risk pregnancies, but suprisingly this pregnancy is going a lot better than my first and who’s to say my next one wont be even better? I dont know, just a little upset now that anyone would question me about getting my tubes tied because of how hard a toll pregnancy puts on my body.

just another update, saw the perinatologist today, raised my insulin slightly but he thinks my sugar levels will be fine as soon as I’m over this bug. He said I’m lucky to only have issues with my fasting sugars and that some women have to take insulin w/every meal. With Caleb I had a lot harder time controling my sugars and was on meds twice a day, right now I’m just taking insulin at bedtime. I am doing a good job controling it and like I said only my fasting numbers are high and even then they’re not too bad. So things look good right now. If I could just get over this nasty bug. I’m really pretty miserable right now, and everytime I cough it feels like I’m about to push this kid out! not to mention i”m having strong sharp pains in my uterus when I cough.

want to brag a little on the hubby before I forget to again. most of the week I’ve had to resort to sleeping on our dual reclining sofa at bedtime or else I am up all night being miserable, well I’m still up being miserable, but at least I’m sleeping better than when I try to sleep laying flat in our bed. I slept in our bed for a nap yesterday and when I woke up was really a lot worse feeling and sounding. to the point I lost my voice. So I knew I’d have to sleep on the sofa again last night. I jokingly said to Dean that he should join me, since it’s a dual reclining sofa, and to my suprise he did. I didnt think he’d stay there w/ me all night , but he did. Poor thing woke up everytime I did too. the sacrifice he made meant a lot to me. Not to mention starting next week he’s going to be working from home 2 days a week so I can rest more. I am really looking forward to it and am glad he’s got the opportunity to help me out like that. It’s truly a blessing and answer to pray. Speaking of answers to prayers, I’m still be overwhelmed by the kindness of people around me. I got a call today from someone asking if we need meals or childcare help, it blows me away. When I was on bedrest with Caleb we didnt have this kind of help or offers even, remind me if I”m wrong Dean. but I dont think so. it’s so nice to have so much community around us, Dean keeps yellling at me for not taking people up on their offers, but I feel so uncomfortable doing so. I mean Dean knows how to cook and I can still cook, I admit he’s cooking a lot more than I am this week, but we’ll be ok. well I gotta run, the kiddo is calling me.

well turns out everyone is right and I am wrong, very wrong!! After laying around all morning, eating some lunch I headed to the doctors office. My blood pressure was lower than it’s been in months and everything went suprisingly well. What does this mean? that I do need to rest more and that not having to care for Caleb all day makes a huge difference to my blood pressure. This realization sucks. So while the dr hasnt put me on bedrest for real, since of coure after doing what she said to do my blood pressure is fine, I now know that if I dont rest more and get help w/ Caleb that I will be in trouble w/ my blood pressure. so the truth is I should be on bed rest. blah!

the best news I got today was my blood work all came back normal so no pre-eclampsia, wohoo!! But what we dont know is what is wrong with me still! I’ll see how the weekend goes and if I’m still really sick I’m going back to the primary care doctor. there was a little concern for me over some stabbing pains when I cough and sometimes even just when I move. I got even more worried when the u/s tech said that the place where it hurts is where my placenta is sitting. she said there was no signs of damage to the placenta so they didnt think there was a tear. if the pain persists, gets worse or I develop other symptoms I’ll have to call or go to the hospital. so for now the hope is that it’s just pain from too much coughing/throwing up and that it’s muscular. but it sure does hurt like heck!

The baby has gained a lot of weight in a week, if the u/s is reliable, she said they’ll worry if there’s still a significant growth spurt in the baby at the next u/s. meanwhile, I didnt gain any weight. so still at just a 4 lb gain. meanwhile the baby weighs in at almost 6 lbs, and I”m only 34 weeks! he’s measuring size wise exactly a week ahead, so 35 weeks 2 days. things went well and everything seems fine, of course as long as I keep to doing nothing but laying in bed w/ the laptop, yeah, that’s likely to happen! so we’ll see. I have an appt w/ the perinatologist tomorrow, for those counting, that’s 4 appointments this week, the only day I didnt go to the dr was wednesday. what a fun week! I go back Monday to the regular ob for a stress test and appointment. Baby B is definitely less active than he was last week, but if he’s growing that much that quickly he’s probably just running out of room. It was pretty funny, to wake him up to get him to move on the stress test today they banged a pot over my belly, and of course he woke up, but barely.

well I’ve updated enough for one day, maybe even for a weeks’ worth, but I know you love it!

forget to mention: the u/s tech today said the baby has a lot of hair, I could see what she meant, Caleb didnt have all that much hair, not when he was first born, or at least I dont think so. so I am kind of excited about that. wish Dean had been there to see and hear that one. we both have thick hair so it’s not really suprising, but it’s a cool thing to know that we didnt know before. the u/s tech hasnt checked for sex again since we told her we know, I was tempted to have her double check today, but i didnt. if it turns out all the other u/sounds were wrong then so be it, since we’ll be happy as long as the baby is healthy. well thats all folks.

I know I shouldn’t be upset and that it shouldn’t be so hard, but my little boy is growing up. I was in tears after leaving him at preschool today. he of course put on a nice little show before we even left for school about not wanting to go to school, even the fact that he got to wear his cat in the hat costume the whole time while at school wouldn’t sway him. In fact, he didnt even want to wear the costume, I almost had to force him. I think he’s not feeling well, heck he slept until 10 minutes before we had to leave, which is pretty late for him. So he kept saying he was tired and wanted to stay home. It probably didnt help that I let him stay home on Tuesday, so of course if you break routine once kids will run with it.

So point is, I left him at school and when I left him he was acting all upset and didnt want to be left. His teacher told him to kiss me goodbye and told me to leave. I’m sure that’s good becuase I probably would have lingered longer. It really breaks my heart to see him sad, but I know even now he’s probably a happy little boy having fun at his halloween party at school, without his mommy! So I got in the car and bawled my eyes out on the phone w/ Dean telling him how I’m a bad mommy. The little guy will be away from me a lot today. I have my ob appt today so a friend will pick him up from school, take him to lunch then keep him til I get home. So he will have been gone a good part of the day. I think it’s harder on me than him at this point! I feel like I am a bad mom, I dont know how women who work do it, but I”m sure at that point you dont have a choice. For me I feel like I do have a choice and it’s my own fault for getting pregnant and now being sick. Caleb never said mommy give me a brother, heck he never had a say in the whole thing, now he has to suffer because mommy is sick and soon he’ll have to share mommy w/ another child. I sometimes wish I could change things, I really wish I was one of those lucky women who never get sick and who have perfect pregnancies. but I’m not. I knew this at the beginning, heck I knew when we talked of having more kids what the price would be, I just never factored in how much it might affect Caleb. Sure it’s good for him to learn to be away from me, but I feel like he’s getting the raw deal.

I’m sure I’m just being over emotional, pregnancy related and all, but I’m really struggling today with this. The next few weeks are just the beginning of the chaos to come in our lives. I will be having to leave Caleb in someone else’s care more than half of the time that he’s usually with me, that’s a huge adjustment, for me and for him. Add to that in a few weeks, that the time I will get with Caleb will be spent caring for him and a new baby. So I’m sure it’s good that he gets this time away from me now but I still feel like he is somehow getting punished just so dean and I can have another baby. I want this to be a positive time for our family, I dont want Caleb to remember this time as bad because it took mommy away from him. I know this is life and this is how families change and grow, but it kind of sucks.

I just wanted to vent. meanwhile, I will admit it is nice today to be sitting for a little while in bed w/ my feet up, w/ the laptop just taking in the quiet and the autumn breeze blowing in the window…..in a empty house. Soon this house will be filled with two kids, a dog, a hubby and family members bustling in excitement over the new baby. well, not too soon, a few weeks. I guess I should be greatful for a little peice of alone time even if it’s hard on everyone else, heck I know I need this now, I just wish it wasn’t affecting Caleb so badly, or me for that matter.

some people never know what it’s like to have to be dependent on others due to illness. I’ve had my fair share of having to rely on others due to my illnesses. the hardest part for me is that it’s not in my personality to need help or to ask for it. Mom will tell you, even as a kid I’ve been very independent. I dont want to have to rely on anyone else, I want to still be supermom each and every day no matter what. and I feel like I should be able to. Sure God probably is getting annoyed with keep having to make me learn to rely on others and wishes I would get the point, but I dont want to get it. i want things to be normal, easy and happy go lucky. my life is rarely ever that easy. I’m very grateful that we have such a great community around us who has and continues to be there for us. I’ve been overwhelmed w/ the offers for help, yet somehow I still say no. I need to learn to say yes and give in to my inability to do it all, so if I tell you no when you offer yell at me or call Dean and he’ll take you up on the offer! somehow it’s ok with me if Dean says yes to an offer for help or arranges for help, I”m guessing because then it looks like he is the one giving in not me. it’s sad I know. then again I really think it has to do with my not wanting to be the one to decide that I can’t do it all by myself. If Dean takes the initiative and asks for help, I feel like then he is taking care of me and providing for me and the family, but if I have to ask for help it feels like I am admitting defeat and accepting the fact that I cant do this by myself, when in truth that is the case. yes folks, I am in denial. I know I feel horrible and that baby and I are at risk if I dont cut back but I dont want to give in.

God sent me a message just this morning. I had plans to drop off Caleb at school then hit babiesrus for a few items to complete the baby’s decor in his room. I somehow took a wrong turn and ended up closer to home than to the store and it would have taken me twice as long to get to babiesrus then if I had taken the right turn. So giving in I just continued toward home, when I realized I was close to the other store I hoped to hit this evening for a sweater to wear to a wedding this Saturday. So, I thought fine, no babiesrus but I’ll get my sweater at the other store. well I get there, and it’s still 15 minutes until the store opens. what kind of store doesnt open til 10 am??? so seeing as I was now only 5 minutes from home it seemed silly to sit in the parking lot for 15 minutes when it was obvious that God thought I needed to get my butt home and not out running around. He must be talking to my mom, who keeps telling me to cut it out and relax. somehow I take it better if I think God is telling me to chill out and rest, what does everyone else know anyway!? so that was my sign for today that I didnt need to out and about running around when I should be home resting, so here I am writing a freaking long rambling entry. but the frustrating part of giving in is that the nursery still isnt ready, I dont know what to wear to the wedding this weekend and there’s countless other things to do before baby arrives that I cant do by myself. so i’m home alone w/ a long to do list and all I can do is sit here and relax. that is sooo not in my personality. dean will probably laugh at me when he reads this, he knows how hard it is for me to be sitting here doing nothing when I feel like there’s tons to do. laugh it up hon, cause when you get home that list is waiting for you!!

You probably wouldn’t know from looking, seeing as my belly is huge, but I’ve only gained 4 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. I still dont know how that works out, but it’s great. I went shopping for pj’s for when I will be in the hospital and I tried on the pants I thought would fit and they were way too big. Tried on a smaller size, still too big. I ended up with pants two sizes down and they are still more than likely too big! it’s crazy. With any luck I’ll be looking at getting a whole new wardrobe after the baby is born! wohooo for that!

appt w/ the works tomorrow, stay tuned for an update, til then I still am really sick and miserable and really looking forward to talking to the dr about it.

Just an FYI, if you are coughing up or vomitting blood you should call your ob if you are pregnant, ok I guess in reality anyone who is doing the same even if not pregnant should call their dr. Well assuming this was a primary dr concern and not an ob one, I called the primary dr and made an appointment for today. I got the third degree for not having called my ob through the night when I thought I was dying, meanwhile, the primary dr never did quite say what my diagnosis was. The only thing I know is that my blood pressure was very high, she called my ob and they told me to come straight there and that the primary care dr said I need to rest more and get help caring for the kid or I wont make it another four weeks before delivering the new baby. Great, add stress to a sick pregnant woman w/ high blood pressures life. All the way to the ob office I was trying someone to take Caleb for me until Dean could get him, meanwhile crying over the fact that that dr made it seem like they’d have to take Baby B sooner than later.

the biggest concern was pre-eclampsia, and apparently that can cause vomitting and coughing up blood, great, I admit thats a fact I’m sure many pregnant women dont know. here I was thinking all that vomitting was making my throat sore and caused a tear, and right now that could be the case, we wont know for sure about the pre-eclampsia til the blood work gets back. I do know that my urine test was fine and it should have showed protein or something if I was developing pre-eclampsia. needless to say with any luck the blood work will show what is really wrong with me. both drs agreed, to different degrees luckily, what needs to happen now. Suprisingly the ob is the lenient one and only I suspect because in the past when we talked about bed rest she acknowledged the fact that she knows it’s not really possible for women w/ other children, I am assuming she probably has some little ones herself, that or she is just very understanding of women who care for their kids as their full time job. so, she didnt say bedrest was indicated but did say I need to try to get help and even said I should try to get him in school more days a week or at the least get someone to help out for a half a day here and there, indicating she wants me to take it easy. The primary dr on the other hand basically told me I needed to get help or I wouldnt make it to my scheduled due date. She scared the crap out of me, I’m glad the drs didnt completely agree.

I do realize now though that having Caleb with me does raise my blood pressure. At my first appointment today, when the blood pressure was really high, the kiddo was with me. On the way to the second appointment I dropped him off with a friend and had about 25 minutes without him til my appointment, and of course when they checked my blood pressure was fine. So I know the effect he has on my blood pressure as well as the effect resting does. Meanwhile other people seem to think I dont realize how big a deal this is, and it’s really annoying me. I was completely prepared to come home from the dr, that is after I realized they wouldnt be sending me to the hospital, on strict bedrest. So when I wasnt sent home w/ strict instructions I was a little suprised. So now we wait. I go back on Thursday and wait for the test results to come in. Meanwhile I cant take any meds for my symptoms because I’m pregnant and diabetic. They gave me a script for an antibiotic just in case but they wont take care of my symptoms. So who knows how long this will last.

at the end of the pregnancy with Caleb I was on bedrest for high blood pressure, and even had the same scare with pre-eclampsia, minus the throwing up blood part! With him the drs kept swearing I was going to develop pre-E but I never did and all the lab work always came back normal, so I’ll be really suprised if I actually have it this time. the ob was fairly confident, since my urine was fine, that I wouldnt, but I’m kind of hoping they find something on the lab work to explain the blood part, it’s a little scary!

well it’s been a rough day, did I mention Dean had to leave work early and met me at the drs, I didnt know he was going to meet me there, he’s super! I”m looking forward to some manicotti (frozen store bought - but it’ll be yummy all the same) for dinner. I’ve been wanting some for awhile, but Dean’s not to keen on it, or any cheese filled pasta like that. So today I get to be pampered! I dont know what the plan will be if things get worse and I do get put on a stricter order of bedrest, as far as childcare, but I”m grateful for all the people who’ve been able to help me out thus far and hopeful everyone can hang in there w/ me a few more weeks to help out because if this gets to be anything like pregnancy # 1 then this is just the beginning of the craziness! oh the joys of pregnancy. I think if someone asked me today if I will have another child I’d say no. A week ago I’d have said yes, but now I”m not to sure I’d survive another pregnancy, let alone the effect it’s having on Caleb. my poor little boy is so confused. he’s had to deal w/ a sick mommy for his whole life and it’s just not fair for him. I only hope things get better and that baby B wont know a mommy who is always sick. well I need to rest some, before someone else starts getting on my case for doing too much.