Breaking through the Fibrofog…

I had my 30 week ob appt today! The nurse was a little flippant w/ me when she weighed me, based on their scale, the same one I was on 2 weeks ago, I’ve lost 4 lbs in two weeks! Heck I might stick w/ this diet post pregnancy w/ those weight loss results! With caleb at this point I dont think I was losing that much that quickly, I was starting to gain weight again at this point. but not w/ this kiddo, I’m the same weight today that I was when I found out I was pregnant in March! that’s freaking nuts! I got a little smart w/ the nurse who was kind of on my case about it, I told her it’s not like I dont look like I”m getting fat. I could see if I had no visible baby belly or something but this child is growing despite my weight loss. Heck my belly looks as big now as it did when I delivered Caleb and I weighed 17 more lbs than I do right now when I delivered Caleb, that makes no sense to me! The doctor wasnt nearly as concerned w/ the weight loss just said lets try to keep it from happening again, like I”m not eating. heck I feel like on this dumb diabetic diet I eat more than I did before, no, I KNOW I eat more now. I eat 3 meals and 3 snacks now, before the diet I barely at 2 meals and maybe 2 snacks.

They did an internal check today, sorry for TMI for you guys out there, but I was having a lot of cramps and pressure so they checked and everything is fine. She marked on my chart that I have a warning for pre term labor due to my symptoms and the spotting I”ve had w/ in the last month. She said to cut out the pelvic activity, you can figure out what that means, doctors orders I dont think I’ll be too ready to follow anytime soon. and it’s not like she was truly worried about labor so I think maybe we’ll see how that one goes. She said next time it happens to drink water and lay down and if it doesnt go away to call, nothing I didnt already know.

as long as I keep my sugar levels in check w/ diet I wont be getting weekly ultrasounds like I did w/ Caleb, I’m almost disappointed about that. Starting at about 32 weeks w/ caleb I had weekly u/s to check on the baby since I was on diabetes meds and my diet wasnt working, this time so far since my sugars are ok they are going to wait it out, she said maybe 36 weeks I’ll get one which is silly since I”ll be delivering 2 weeks after that, but I will be glad to at least get one more u/s before Baby B arrives. I feel very out of sorts with my doctors right now, things are so different than they were w/ Caleb and it’s good that I’m not having as many problems, I just seem to be having different problems than I did w/ the first pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different but I didnt realzie how different they would be. I am grateful though that overall things are doing well and my blood pressure is under control as are my sugar levels right now! So things are good and looking up. Now if I could just manage to get a good nights sleep and be able to do some housework w/ out cramping all the time I’d be good to go! I was dumb enough to scrub the floors this afternoon, after all she said pelvic rest, thats not the same as bedrest but I guess I should have asked more in detail what that means since now I”m all achy and crampy again! Sometimes I wonder if this kid is going to stay in there another 8 weeks, I never worried about that w/ Caleb. but the dr said it’s normal for more problems like this in a 2nd or later pregnancy becuase we get less rest and have more to take care of w/ the other child(ren). Not to mention she said the cramps and contrax get more painful in subsequent pregnancies too, the things they dont tell you when you go to the dr and discuss wanting to start trying to get pregnant again!

enough pregnancy babble for today, off to do more housework. I’m looking forward to visiting w/ my brother and his family this weekend. I havent seen their new baby in a while and I need a baby fix!! and yeah, it’ll be nice to see the rest of them too!

I just got in from my endo appt. I lost 2 lbs in 2 weeks. I had lost my last appt too. This dr wasnt concerned but I’m going to ask the ob about it tomorrow, if she doesnt yell at me first! I’m only 3 lbs more than what I weighed in march when I found out I was pregnant, thats nuts as my belly alone looks like I’ve gained 20 lbs!!

My one hour after lunch sugar level was good, so that’s good, but I also didnt eat a full meal but I failed to mention that to the dr, I was just glad my level was ok. I got a glucometer so now I’ll check my sugar 4 times a day at home, hoping it goes well. The dr was hopeful I wont need meds this time since my levels seem to be much lower than they were w/ Caleb. she also mentioned the med I was on w/ caleb is controversial and they dont use it so if I need it I’ll have to take insulin. She was suprised I did ok on that med w/ Caleb, makes me wonder what is wrong w/ it and maybe thats why I had such a rough third trimester w/ him. who knows. I have a regular ob appt tomorrow morning, I’ll update after that one too.

speaking of weight and pregnancy, I hate maternity clothes. I bought two pair of pants and they are still too big! I thought they’d fit just fine but I cant wear them. I wore a pair of the jeans today and it drove me nuts, they kept falling down. The next size down never fits me. It’s very annoying. I cant wear my normal pants because they are uncomfortable but the ones that are too big are just as uncomfy. just another pregnancy complaint!!

28 weeks pregnant - Sept 10th

29 weeks pregnant - Sept 18th

I’ll try to get up a 30 week pic sometime soon!

The first few times Caleb went to school I went w/ him as a parent volunteer, he didnt need me and several times tried to send me away! But last Thursday he went all by himself and he did great! this was a pic of us getting ready to leave.

Sometimes my hubby can be a sweet heart and today was one of those days. this morning he stayed home and when I was unable to find a replacement sitter for the preschool moms he went for me! Poor guy was stuck w/ two little ones for almost 3 hours while I stayed home in bed! Then he came home and made us lunch! He’s even making dinner, a la Domino’s Pizza, which of course no pregnant woman can complain about too much! I’ve been sitting in bed all day, that is when I’m not running to the potty because the kiddo keeps kicking my bladder! I managed to get a little laundry done but mostly I’ve let myself chill w/ lifetime movies all day. The rest of my week will be busy so I am taking advantage of this time to rest up and hopefully beat this nagging fatigue and general unwell feeling.

tomorrow is my first appointment with the endocronilogist for my diabetes and on Thursday I have my next ob appointment complete w/ blood work…. Ah things to look forward to!

Yesterday I took a nice long nap w/ Caleb and woke up still feeling groggy. We went to church last night and I was unable to sit for too long because I felt so uncomfortable, pressure and just general blahness, so we left early and came home. I thought I’d be asleep shortly after but had some chores to do and by the time I was able to sleep I wasnt able to. I spent most of the night awake, uncomfortable and itchy, all over. After hours of laying like this around 7 I got up to take a shower hoping it would help, now I”m more itchy and my head hurts. I’m due to babysit this morning for the working moms at preschool but I just feel like staying in bed. Dean’s leaving soon for work, I’d give anything for him to stay home and take care of me, or at least take care of the kid and dog all day so I can get some rest. I was feeling really well this pregnancy but today I feel really fat and uncomfy, not to mention exhausted! 8 more weeks til Baby B arrives, goodness thats not too long, but if I keep feeling this way it will feel like forever!!

As parents we have a lot of choices to make, some even before our children arrive, okay a lot of choices before they arrive actually. For some of us we decide on names for our children before we even meet them face to face. I got a comment on a previous entry about picking the name we have for our new son. This was the comment: “If people are laughing at your babies name, I bet you that your feelings were hurt and I know in your heart that you don’t want anyone laughing AT your baby when he/she is older about its name. Maybe make your very special name a “middle” name and save your kid from the cruelty that is children.”

Children can be cruel and very mean hearted to one another, I have no control over other people’s children. But I can do my best to love my child and instill in him the importance of his name and how we came about to give him his name. I can raise a strong independent child who is not concerned with what others think or say, or rather I know if I cant my hubby can. My husband is one of those people that takes offense at little and worries for little except maybe the huge life changing stuff, but even then not so much. He will admit as a kid he wasnt like that but he will also admit his parents helped him learn that there’s no need to stress over things that are going to happen or that you have no control over. I can do my best to love my son and let him know that just like he was created in love his name was chosen in love and that we did what was best for him.

We are keeping the name we have chosen and will not change I wish people would stop thinking they can convince us to change our minds. We chose the name for it’s special meaning and now due to some other things that have happened, it seems this child is destined for this name. I’ll explain when we share about his name after he is born. If we had told no one of our child to be’s name and simply told them after we got the birth certificate all nice and official then maybe they’d think they couldnt change our minds. I dont know why anyone would think something like time would make us change our minds, had we picked the name now or then it’s still our choice and I believe God plans all things out, and before we even picked this child’s name God knew what his name would be, there are no mistakes in God’s plan for our lives. Be it in our name or our gender or our families, everything happens for a reason so get over it and accept that we’ve made this choice and are sticking to it! So now leave us alone we are not changing our minds!!

There are many ways to spend a Saturday with your family. For the most part our Saturdays start out lazily with all of us, Caleb included, laying in our bedroom watching morning cartoons. Today we planned to help my mom go through her shed in her back yard, I barely did a thing since she wouldn’t let me, meanwhile Dean did a ton of work. It was a beautiful day and caleb and Stella(our dog) ran around my mom’s back yard the whole time we were there, around 4 hours! They’ve all crashed now and are taking a much needed nap.

It’s very easy to make a pregnant women get all emotional and teary eyed, you’d think something as simple as cleaning out a dirty old shed wouldn’t cause any problems, but I guess what makes the difference is what is found inside that dirty old shed. Years ago when we moved into this house(my moms current housse) we all seemed to have lost a lot of items, and that’s not all too unusual with a big move. There were a lot of sentimental things lost during that move. Today while going through dead bug and rat pellet filled boxes of “stuff” some of those things were recovered. The silliest thing being a 16 year old paper mache’ girl I made in school, who at first glance weathered time well, until Caleb came over to investigate and she promptly became a decapitated girl! Dean and I found that quite humorous. In my brothers boxes of stuff we found several condoms, I laughed and told Dean hey maybe that was really my box, both of us knowing it wasnt! We found a box of old clothes that my step dad wass supposed to have gotten rid, my old clothes. body suit shirts, I remember wearing those shirts but looking at them now I cant believe I would have worn them! There was also a silly old pajama outfit in there that made me smile.

None of those things brought tears to my eyes, but what else we found did. Boxes of childhood Christmas ornaments that had gone missing, some handmade by my brother and I, others that had been thoughtfully purchased for us by my mom. Ornaments that fill me with memories of baking cookies and decorating the Christmas tree w/ my mom. Ornaments that hold w/ each one something special. that alone wasnt enough to invoke tears, mostly joy with each one I unwrapped to find an old memory waiting for me.

years and years have passed since I was a baby, ok 24 or so, and I had never seen a baby picture of myself. There was no baby book filled out in love to be found in our home, yet mom claims there is somewhere. We didnt find my baby book but I was filled with awe as I read my brothers baby book, from the litttle things I never knew about him to the things I wasnt even born yet to be a part of since he’s the older one. Then we hit pure gold. A box of childhood pics of my brother and I. No “baby” pics of me per se, but a lot of “toddler” pics of me and my brother or other family members. It was more than I could have ever asked for. Then I saw it, the first pic I ever recall seeing of this grouping of people, one that I have no memory of, one that even now as I write about it, brings tears to my eyes: a picture of my family, my mom, my dad, my brother and a little me. There aren’t a lot of childhood memories of that family unit, and the ones there are aren’t great joyous ones, but in this picture we look like a “normal” family. there were other pics of just my dad, pics that hold remarkable meaning for me, the man I do not really know, now or then. I found a wedding pic of my mom and dad, just one pic, but for me that one pic holds so much importance for me. while their marriage may not have been perfect and did not last, out of that bond came my brother and I. Despite the things that happened to that family unit we were put together by God and created for whatever purposes He has. I may never understand what happened or why I may never have a relationship with my father, but knowing that at one point he was a dad to us even if not a wonderful one, no matter what he chose to have a family and we are it.

This was a lot for my pregnant self to take in. I think the whole morning was a stressful one for all of us, I wish my brother had been with us for these discoveries, and we tried to reach him to ask him to come over but never got in touch with him. I hope that one day soon we can sit down and look at all the pictures I found today and talk about them, or if anything just be together to take them in and remember together. There were a lot of other great finds today in that dirty shed. The irony of it is, when we started all I had though we’d find were just dirty old boxes of my stepdads work stuff, he’s a landscaper. Instead amongst the dirt and dust and dead bugs, we found something else that seemed to have died, the memories of a family that at one point was just that, a family. No matter what happens over time or what anyone says, there are no accidents. I believe I was born to the family I was born to because it was part of God’s plan for my life. While to me my past and childhood may hold a lot of painful memories, I try to do my best to remember that all of that was allowed by God and it’s there for a greater purpose. Maybe it’s so I can do a better job as a mom and wife, or maybe just so I could learn some tough life lessons, whatever the reasons I am grateful for how my life has turned out and while I regret not having a father in my life, I know that I do indeed have one, and although he chooses to not be a part of my life there is nothing I can do to change that, no matter how hard I have tried.

Today I showed my son a picture of my mom and dad when they were young, pre-kids and told him that was grandmom and grandad, it broke my heart when he asked me who that granddad was. I told him he didnt know him but that that was grandmom. Luckily that was enough for him and he went off to play. Theres a great sadness in my heart that my son wont know his grandfather, but I dont know how to change that for him. Then again I would rather shelter him from the hurt I felt growing up w/ the rejection from that man than to know him and know that he chooses not be a part of our family. It’s a tough thing, this thing called family.

it’s with great sadness I watch my mom prepare to sell her home and go through another divorce. For her and for all the pain it brings her now and knowing how hard this was for her the first go around w/ my dad. but as my thoughtful husband said today, you cant make people love each other. I cant make my dad love me or be a dad to me. You cant make anyone love you or want to be with you, not even if they are bound to you by blood. I pray my children never have to experience this kind of separation in their lifetime and I will do my best as a wife and mother to work on a great marriage and family for them.

Needless to say this beautful sunny day was brought to you by hallmark……