Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Be forewarned, this is not your normal blog entry! I feel like I need to apologize, nothing really new for me, I am one of those people that apologize for it raining. Generally a people pleaser is what you’d call me. Over the last year I’ve gotten to be a lot different about how I am socially. I used to be the biggest introvert out there. I amaze even myself somedays, especially now that I am working again, with just how social I can be. But lately instead of being that introverted care about the rest of the world’s problems type person I’ve taken to being quite selfish. I think it has a lot to do with all the stress we’ve been going through, it’s been hard to hear about let alone support other people when I am struggling with so much in my own life.

Case in point, my best friend. I’ve felt like we hadnt been talking at all, and I even had no desire to. She’s doing her thing and now with my working I dont have time to do much but to do my thing and take care of hubby, baby and puppy. When I wasnt working I’d thrive for her stories about dating, work and friends, now I feel horrible that I just dont have time for her. Funny thing though, me being the people pleaser I am, I cant stand for things to be up in the air, especially with someone I care about so much. Ironically enough, I’ve been praying a lot the last week to have the ability to be supportive of Dean and Stacey despite what I am going through. I know I havent been the most supportive or even likable person lately, I just dont handle stress well and well returning to work and leaving my wonderful SAHM job is a huge stressor and neither one of them would ever understand that, well I am sure Dean does somewhat but moms are so different. So this morning, knowing things were getting worse between Stacey Dean and I, as I sat in prayer at church I prayed that I would be a better wife and friend. And specifically that Stacey and I would find the time to talk and that things would mend themselves out. Funny thing happened today, we talked, I mean nothing huge, but I couldnt help but laugh and say well thanks God its nice to know you were listening!

Relationships are so important to personal growth and make such a huge difference in one’s attitude that its hard for me to know things are not going well in a relationship I have with someone. Like I said, I aim to please others, but more importantly I want to be available if a friend or family member needs anything, even if it’s just an open ear. So here goes, my public apology for not being the friend, wife, co-worker, sister, daughter that I could and should be. Thank you all for being there for me as I’ve endured so many changes in the last year!

I did it! Completed my first week at my new job that is! It was hard, but satisfying. I will be in training for a few more weeks, but the adult interaction is great! But I did break down and cry every night as I held my sleepy boy and told him how much I love him. I spend most of my days in training staring at pictures of Caleb and Dean together. Next week is a short week, we have a few half days, and on Thursday, which is Caleb’s first half day at daycare, I only work a few hours, so it will be nice. We can drop him off in the morning before I have to be at work, then pick him up when I get off. I figure it will be good for him to be left there and then for us to pick him up together, that way even if its not a full day he can see that we will be back for him together later. Afterall babies dont know the difference between 8 hrs and 4 hrs, so I think it is good that his first day will be a short day for me since I know I will be spend most of my time at work thinking about that anyway!

The puppy is a handful to say the least. He’s getting better about having “accidents” in the house. He always go potty outside when we take him but sometimes, mostly when he wakes us up during the night we dont realize the urgency in his need to go out and we pay the price. Caleb is learning to mimic well now. He learned how to spin around from watching Sesame Street, that or watching the dog chase his tail! He’s taken to a lot of doglike behaviors, some which disturb me because it just shows he needs interaction with other kids. He has taken to holding his toy balls in his mouth and pretending to bite mommy and daddy like the doggy nips at mommy and daddy. He laughs all the while so we know he realizes he is playing. He also takes to teasing the puppy. He knows which toys are the dogs so he will take them and run away from the dog, after dangling the toy in front of the dog for a few minutes, and as he runs he laughs and runs faster if you try to catch him. There’s a lot of jealousy between the dog and baby, and suprisingly the dog seems happier to see me when I get home from work than the baby does, but oh well.

Caleb is definitely changing as a result of being cared for by a daddy all day than by a mommy. He’s much more playful and happy than he was with me, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact Dean is much more rough and lenient w/ him. Not to mention mommy tried to make sure the house got cleaned and laundry done and tend to baby so I know daddy is spending more time tending to baby and dog than I would be, which is sad to know because I wonder if I didnt do as good a job as I could have being a SAHM. I think I may have focused too much on a clean house and getting things done around the house than playing w/ my baby. And the first few nights after work I would come home and clean house and prepare my lunch for work the next day and before I’d know it it would be bed time and I hadnt spent hardly any time w/ my son. Come Wednesday I realized my fault and put off cleaning up until Caleb was in bed, if we could get him in bed. It’s been hard to settle him down with the puppy. He will see the puppy playing at bed time and think he can play too. Dean has been putting the puppy outside to play more now since he was having a hard time keeping the two apart so they wouldnt hurt each other or the house, and the dog seems to like to be outside most of the time. Hopefully we can get him more used to it so maybe he wont have to stay cooped up in his kennel all day once we both are working. Speaking of which, Dean had a second interview today for the job he hopes to get. Sounds like he will more than likely get an offer for it, he wont find out til Monday though. In the meantime, we are going to have a relaxing weekend. Hope you do too!

Today was my first day at my new work. Leaving poor Dean to tend to a fiesty puppy and baby. The puppy and baby are constantly fighting for our attention and it’s obvious they are jealous of one another. Dean had to spend today with them alone and after dinner he said he’s not sure it will work. We love the puppy to death, despite his constant accidents and biting the baby. I told Dean to try to get through another day to see how it goes, I figure it can only get better, I mean the puppy hasnt had that much time to adapt yet.

Work. I cant say much yet, I’ll be in training for 4 weeks so I’ll let you know once the real work part starts! I missed the baby and Dean, but it was also nice to be in the adult world again. but I hate it that by the time I get home and get chores done that I hardly get any time with the baby. Ah…the life of a working mom. All I have to say is at least I will be getting paid well and the benefits are great, and right now we need that more than anything. No point in being able to be home w/ Caleb if he cant be taken care of financially or physically if he were to get sick and we have no insurance. Luckily my benefits start Aug. 1! Thats so cool. They even offer pet insurance! Who ever heard of such a thing?

Well I hate to sit here when I could be cuddling and playing w/ my boys so….I’ll update more on the weekends now or after Caleb is in bed I suppose. I am not sure how I feel about all these changes so I wont say much other than goodnight!

As we drive down the roads that used to lead to the theater, to our old places of employment, to the hospital where I went once a week for months before staying to deliver the beautiful son we now have…I think. I think about the possiblities. I think that we’d still be going down these roads, most of them, to the same jobs, and to take Caleb to spend the day w/ his aunt and cousins while we work, to the same theaters to work after long days at work. I think of all the friendships left behind. We’ve been very busy this past week trying to get squeeze in time w/ everyone we miss so dearly. It’s been upsetting because some people we really wanted to see were either busy or for some reason just didnt want to make the time for us. Two of our old church group couples are now pregnant, while I was pregnant the whole time we met w/ them week after week and we would have been the first one w/ a baby in the group. It’s sad to know I wont be able to be there for them like they were for me.

It’s been a sad week of more goodbyes. For me though, I am trying to do my best to grow and find more closure before we leave. Next week I embark on being a working mom, again. I am glad to be able to have a chance to find myself through work and have an identity other than Caleb’s mom, even though I know it will be a teared filled morning on Monday when I have to leave my son. Luckily Dean will be home w/ him for awhile. We are going to put him in daycare part time until Dean goes back to work so he can get used to it and so Dean can have time to go to interviews. The next few weeks will be challenging for all in our family, as Dean adapts to being home and job seeking, as Caleb adapts to no mommy all day and daycare, and as I go to work and leave my baby to be in a strange place w/ new people.

He’s done a great job this past week as we drag him all over to see tons of people he doesnt remember, he was only 3 weeks old when we moved to Baltimore. Last night he actually slept through the night in his play pen. Which means he’s getting used to being here, which is bad cause we are leaving tomorrow. So it will probably be a few days before he gets back on schedule on home. Well we have more busy plans today, I just didnt want to leave things hanging here, especially when I’ve had so much time to think and so much to say. I’ll get more written down once I am back in the comfort of my own home. It’s been great getting away, but theres so much to be said for your own house and own bed!!! We’ll be back in a few days!

Our bags are packed. Caleb’s stuff is already loaded and in the car, meanwhile Caleb is peacefully napping and Dean is off at a job interview. I am taking a brief break from cleaning, laundry and packing to sit here and enjoy the quietness of the house. I have a drs appt this afternoon and have to stop by the lab to get a drug test for the new job then we’re off to Ohio. We hope. We’ve got a car to take care of first, it’s sitting on the lot at the shop but we cant afford to have it fixed now so we need to figure out how to get it back here so it doesnt sit there while we are gone. I am excited to be getting away for a bit, especially since I’ll be coming back to a new puppy and a new job.

Dean doesnt want to leave until we take care of getting that car back here from the shop but theres not much we can do right now about it and I am sick of dealing w/ cars that dont work. Like I said, I am ready and packed, I’m ready to blow this joint and leave all the stress and problems here, at least for a week or so, and get some quality family time and maybe even get a date with my husband to go see a show at our old theater group. All this junk will be here waiting for us when we get back so I dont see the urgency, I mean the cars been sitting in our driveway not working for a month or so so why mess with it now when we could be well on our way to our first family vacation back to Ohio. It’s been 10 months since we’ve been there! It’ll be great to go back and get some closure on things so I can come back and start life as a working mom.

When we left Ohio I had the chance to come here and become a stay at home mom, I know if we had stayed in Ohio I would still be working and would have went back to work when Caleb was 8 weeks old. But I’ve had all of these months to cherish with my son and I want my last 2 weeks as a stay at home mom to be memorable. It’s nice to be able to spend the days with Caleb and Dean. Who would have thought getting laid off would have such great benefits?!

For a Monday a lot of great things are happening, I guess our family is just about due for good news! My brother went to the dr today, found out he was now drive again and can return to work in 2 weeks! There was talk of him having to get a metal plate put in but I guess that turned out good too cause he didnt mention it. They spent the weekend with us, hanging out. Today is my sister in laws birthday, Happy 25th Amy!! Caleb just loves playing with his cousin Tyler, and as long as he doesnt have to share too many toys Tyler likes Caleb too!

In other news: Today I was waiting for a call back about whether I was going to get the one job w/ good benefits and good pay, hoping that call would come before my 2nd interview w/ the company w/ bad benefits and a lower pay. It didnt come. I got dressed and headed out for my interview. Halfway there Dean calls our cell phone to tell me that that lady called. I called her promptly and was offered the job! I found a place to pull over and called and cancelled my interview that was only 10 minutes away from happening! I was so upset when I had left the house and they hadnt called yet. Dean told me that maybe it wasnt meant to be so I accepted it and left. All I can think is that maybe God was testing my faith because I really didnt want to have to go to that interview today, but I was well on my way before He answered my prayer! I’ll be making decent money and getting great benefits and the job doesnt start til the 22nd so we are going to have time to go to Ohio, if we can get a reliable car to get there! More news to come we hope…if anything the next good news will be Dean getting a job, or better yet us finding daycare or both, and the best yet, we get our puppy next week! (if we arent in Ohio) Lets just hope the today is an indication of how our week will go….

A year ago, I was getting envious of all the new babies as I awaited our little angel. Today as I keep reading about everyones little ones turning one I get all teary eyed and anxious for Caleb’s first birthday party. It’ll be the first time some of my relatives have been in the same room for years, for example some of my moms sisters and my dads family. I am excited to be able to have a huge house to host the event and that his birthday falls on a Saturday so that is a great party day. Not to mention everyone is close enough to come, well almost everyone, but Dean’s parents have said they will be here too!! So happy birthday to Abigail & Caroline and a belated birthday wish for Sam too! Next week the other Caleb turns a year old too! The other Sam shares my Calebs birthday, August 10th. So many babies! They are all growing so fast!