Breaking through the Fibrofog…

What a boring Friday night! Neither Dean nor I were feeling up to much and Caleb was so fussy. He’s been very clingy the last few days, all I can think is that he’s either teething or that the separation anxiety is getting worse as he starts walking all over the place by himself. I’m having some bad cyst like pain and was actually double overed in pain earlier, but luckily it was during Calebs’ nap this afternoon. We’re entertaining tomorrow night and all week long I kept thinking that I had tons of stuff to do before then, but today I am just so blah about it. I am not feeling up to cleaning and its not like our house is ever dirty, Dean thinks I get OCD when it comes to keeping the house clean but anymore its just pointless with the baby and Dean leaving crap everywhere. I wear myself out cleaning up all day and at the end of the day I look around and am satisfied, but before the day even gets started the next day its a mess again. I cant imagine how bad it will be when Caleb is big enough to leave his crap lying around and not caring about it. For now I will savor the neatness I maintain around here, but for tonight the mess can wait. I think I’d better tend to my pain or I wont feel much like entertaining, with or without a clean house tomorrow.

Stefani’s blogmakes me remember what those last few weeks and days felt like before Caleb. Dean and I had discussed when we’d start on another baby, and we both know we arent financially able to, but isnt the second one cheaper? Especially since by then Caleb will be off formula and hopefully out of diapers? My ob/gyn and I decided at my last apptment to discuss possibly starting to try at our next apptment, which happens to be in two weeks. I so hate taking BC and it’s not even helping, I mean the whole reason I want to take it is to stop PMS and maybe my period altogether, no such luck. I still have pain in the middle of every cycle anyway, so who knows if it is working at all. And lets not even mention that orthotricyclene is supposed to help acne, well I have clear skin, but since I’ve started it every cycle I break out horribly. Whats the plus side to taking it, peace of mind I guess. But if I silently long for another baby whats the point? yeah, if you read the earlier blog from today, I am sure I have enough on my plate to worry about today, but it sure would be nice, cause I am for sure not working if I am pregnant, been there and threw up on too many pairs of scrubs to do it again!

On Tuesday we had decided after talking to our counselor about our current money situation that we could get by without my working. Yesterday I got two calls for interviews from when I sent out my resume over 2 weeks ago! So I figured I’d see how it goes, I mean I’d rather live comfortably than just getting by. So I called the lady back that I was supposed to meet w/ last week about watching Caleb but since a week had gone by and I hadnt gotten back with her, cause of spending most of last week in the hospital w/ my brother and then being too busy to call til yesterday, she had already taken on an infant and had no more openings. So at first I told myself the call about a job interview was my sign to go back to work, and surely the second call was to reinforce that point. So does the fact we dont have daycare mean I continue to stay home or does it just mean that that wasnt the person who was supposed to become our daycare provider??? So many questions, and no one has answers.

I want to support us financially but I also want to be able to keep being the glue that holds our household and family together too. I know women do both all of the time but I barely get me time now, I am sure w/ working and then coming home to the baby will be even worse. It’s such a tough choice. We have a month before our mortgage is due since we just settled on the house so it’s not like we wont be okay, but we really have a horrible car situation, the lack thereof, which I think would make it harder for me to get a job, but Dean said to worry about that when and if I get a job. Somedays I just hate being an adult. And its even harder to think about going back to work after I just cuddled w/ my son and watched him as he fell asleep in my arms! He’s grown so much in the last week, physically and mentally, and being here to see it was amazing. But in the same respect, I’ve been here for his first step, his first word, so it’s not like theres many more firsts of the first year to see but still….argh! I wish someone would just tell me what to do! Neither Dean or I think its good for Caleb for me to work, but we also know its not good to be this close to not being able to pay bills. But as I always say, people do it with a lot less money than we have, so whats our problem!

Shortly before 2 p.m. Caleb was playing in the living room and I was watching tv, and him of course! Caleb decided he was sleepy and laid down on the floor and cuddled up w/ the towel I had used to dry him after we played outside in the water. Before I knew it he was asleep! I took the time to get motivated and work on removing the chipped paint in our bathroom in hopes we can repaint in there sometime soon(hint hint Dean!). Now there is a huge mess in the bathroom! I grabbed a quick shower, since I was covered in paint and dust, sure to get out and hear Caleb awake, but he’s not. I know if I try to get a quick nap he is sure to wake up, but I can always try….

Been a busy week already, the inlaws left on Monday, my brother arrived Monday evening. I spent the day out w/ my brother and his family yesterday. Today is our first day w/out plans, and it’s nice!

Hopefully I can get Caleb into a schedule again. He is doing so well. He’s walking all by himself now. he can get to a standing postion w/out pulling up onto anything. He waves hello and says Hi sometimes but he is just getting the hang of the waving thing. It was nice having everyone around as he took his first steps and started waving hello. He’s just 9 1/2 months but he looks and acts like a 1 year old!

we talked to a counselor last night about our money problems, he seems to think we can afford to not have me work, it will take some strict budgetting and planning, but seems to think we will be okay. I am so excited! We could use a lump of money now to work on our car situation, but we know God will provide and somehow we will figure out what to do about the car. After talking to him I think both Dean and I felt a lot more hopeful about our financial situation. As a result of closing on the house we paid off our last school loan, so that was good. Now we just need to get rid of our credit card debt! Easier said than done! But if we focus on it we can take care of it a lot quicker.

My brother is doing so much better. He’s still having some trouble w/ his speech, but he sounds so much better than last week. His head hurts badly but that’s to be expected. It was a horrible scare he gave us, and it will be awhile before he’s back to his old self, but we are just glad he’s ok. Made us all think about how important seat belts and insurance are! Well, Caleb is finally napping and I should use that time wisely since it might be the only nap he takes, he’s so mobile and nosey it’s hard to get him to nap, but he was amazing and napped a lot throughout the craziness last week so he might do ok now that things are more normal around here.

My brother is doing much better! He is still having some speech problems, but they discharged him from the hospital today! He cant drive for 2 months and will have to work shorter work shifts for a while once he goes back. They drove to the shore today, they were ready to be home. But are coming back Monday night so that he can be here Tuesday for a check up and to get the stitches taken out. He still has a lot of recovery and rehab to do and it will be a long process, but the changes in the last few days have been amazing, definite answers to prayers.

other good news, Caleb is walking! All by himself! I think chasing his cousin around motivated him. He spent most of the week w/ family in the waiting room and we were all cheering him on yesterday as he took tons of steps alone. It was exciting for everyone to be able to see this huge accomplishment and help him learn. The inlaws are here and he is loving the time w/ them. He’s doing great despite the roguh week we’ve had. We wont be back on any sort of schedule for a while, yet he amazingly naps, even at the hospital and even tonight while we ate out. he’s an angel! I think he’s napped more these last few days than he does when it was just me and him at home, I think all the walking and visiting w/ family is wearing him out.

We closed on the house today, the mortgage pymt ended up being more than we thought it would, but as Dean pointed out we still couldnt get a 2 bedroom apt for what we will be paying for a 6 bdrm, 3 bath house! (at least not in Maryland!)

I was able to nap today while Dean and his parents visited his grandad, the week has taken it’s toll on me, and after closing on the house and hearing my brother and his family were safely back at his mother in laws on the shore, I was relieved and exhausted. I came back home to rest and it wasnt long before I was out. Dean came home hours later and I still only woke long enough to get a kiss and ask what was going on. Then we got up and went to dinner,mmmm! Crabs and a shrimp salad sandwhich! Well now its time for a relaxing night at home…goodnight!

My wonderful husband had this to say. Meanwhile, my brother is doing amazingly well today! he was up and about, walking and sitting in the waiting room w/ us. They took the bandages off today, he looks a lot better than I thought it would. He’s talking better, he’s doing better in general. Chances are he will be discharged tomorrow, but the recovery will be long and hard. They want him to come back for therapy and he cant be alone for a while, so the hows and wheres of what will happen are still in the works. Right now we are just happy to see him doing so much better. Meanwhile, my inlaws just arrived. Tomorrow we settle on the house, tomorrow my brother gets out of the hosptial, tomorrow…tomorrow….it’s only a day away! oh no wait, only a few minutes away…it’s way past my bed time! I have tons more to write but time is short and my brain is already compacted w/ so much else right now….so good night and tomorrow…tomorrow…