Breaking through the Fibrofog…

If you know much about me at all, you know I avoid talking politics.   As a teen I was very gun-ho about the right to vote and looked forward to the day when I could.  I loved government class but for some reason that was short lived, so short lived in fact I have never voted!   In fact I claim my right to choose not to vote is how I vote.   I will not vote because I don’t feel like voting without all of the facts is worth it.   I don’t complain when a president is bad because I didnt vote for them.    In fact I try not to talk about anything political at all.   I will not make an uninformed decision and thus I choose not to vote.   This election year has got me more interested than ever, but no I will still not vote.  (first women in office sure got me interested, then Obama Biden…because if you read that fast as you drive by a sign all I can think of is Osama Bin laden….not that he reminds me of him, but the irony of the closeness of the those names together…)

Tonight as I tried to read up on the “bail out” plan congress is trying to pass before session ends next week I remembered why I hate politics.   Because no matter how we vote on election day the government will still make their own decisions.  We are not there standing next to them and voting w/ them on this, they are doing it w/ their power.   Power you gave them when you voted for them.   I try not to complain about new laws, no matter how dumb they are but this “bail out’ thing has got me downright angry.

Families everywhere are feeling the pinch of increasing prices, ours included.  We’ve had trouble paying the bills, buying groceries and having gas money.   But we are doing alright.  we wont lose our house, at least not this month.   But there are families who’s homes are being foreclosed upon and there is nothing they can do about it.  there are people who started their own businesses, who have no health insurance, and may have had that business fail and be without.   They are suffering.   The government is not there to “bail” them out.   If Donald Trump gambled away all of his money no one would offer to “bail” him out.  yet the government is going to offer grace to companies who made poor business decisions and maybe even unethical ones just because they can, with our money even.   I don’t get it.  Maybe I just dont understand what the “bail out” is, and that’s fair, because I’ve had a heck of a time understanding what I’m reading, but I think that’s the plan.  they dont want us to know what they are doing, if we, as tax payers, as voters, knew what they were going to do w/ our money we’d be doing everything we could to stop it, oh wait, we cant do anything to stop it.

I just want to know who is going to bail our family out when we cant afford to live life business as usual?   I can give you one guess, it wont be the government.

BTW big layoffs being announced next week at Dean’s work. Please pray we wont be affected.   He’s been laid off twice before and I can’t imagine what would happen if it happened now, esp. now w/ things looking so grim as it is financially and with a big surgery on the horizon.    October is next week.  Hard to believe, a month til our 10 year anniversary, month and half til my surgery, less than 2 months til Boaz turns 4, 3 months til our 3rd Christmas in this house, 4 months til I turn 30……aaaahhhhhh !!!!!

I know my loyal fans are out there wondering what’s happened to me, I havent posted in 4 days!  Don’t go thinking today’s post will be grand either.  I’m just not into writing these days.  I’m tired, very tired.  BUT I did sleep well last night, although I don’t feel like I did.   I’m dreading how much weight I’m gaining by all this sleeping and not being able to exercise so I took the lil’ boys to the mall this morning to get in some walking and window shopping.  Plus I had the added benefit of having some gift cards from December that really needed to be used, so I got myself some new shoes and the boys some lunch at the mall too.   I got Zeke down for nap and told Bo we were going to rest too, but really all that happened was the usual, me trying to sleep while Bo kept bothering me.   he was intently watching Calliou breifly but once that was over he was back to being a wild man.

Not much new going on around here.  Dean’s back at work, which the boys don’t understand.  Today and yesterday, both boys awoke and asked where daddy was, then Bo kept telling me to call Dean to tell him to come several times throughout the day.   I wish he could, but someone has to work so we can pay the bills.  Having to re-stock on groceries due to the hurricane was not something we could really afford this month.   Luckily by cutting back on my social schedule during the days I’m going to be saving us in gas money, but that means I will probably go nuts at home all day w/ the kids, especially if I cant get a break and go to curves.  I’m hoping I am cleared this time next week after my post op appointment so I can get a good 6 weeks of exercise in and maybe lose a pound or two before the hysterectomy.

well off to keep an eye on these kids.   my friend’s son is here and he tends to get them riled up and it’s already too loud for my level of patience…..

wohoo! caleb school finally goes back tomorrow.  They’ve been out all week due to power outages from Ike.    I think Dean is going back to work tomorrow too.   My first day post surgery w/ the kids.  I’ve been resting up all day and I can rest all weekend so I should be fine.

it’s a beautiful day outside, despite the fact we had a hurricane the weather since then has been amazing.   makes it easy to live w/ windows open and no lights when it’s cool out and sunny enough to light the house during the day.  it’s also been a full moon this week so even at night it wasnt that bad.   still have friends that are without power, I cant imagine, it wasnt horrible, but I was ready for it to be over.

hysterectomy is scheduled for Nov. 11th at 7:30 a.m.  wohoo!! a month or almost two for me to think about it!!

I was laying in bed reading when I heard the strangest sound…..the power came back on!!  wohoo!!  I am still scared it will not last.  we emptied the fridge and threw everything out.  Tonight we took the kids to meet up w/ Dean’s mom so they could spend the night there so I’d be able to rest in the morning again, and her van battery died for the third time this week.  So we were going to go to Walmart w/ her to get her a new one, as soon as we pulled into the walmart parking lot the power went out!!  so we went to another store that had power but I was scared to buy too much in fear we’d get home to no power!!  it’s been a crazy few days.  I didnt really rest much today and now I’m more exhausted than normal, but I’m not in pain.  it’s the oddest thing.  No more bleeding, no pain (at least not in my nose!)  I have several horrid looking bruises from the 3 attempts to get the iv in me, and those look worse than my nose, which looks fine as long as I dont wear the bandage to catch whatever drips out, which at this point is just clear snot!   I feel like I have a cold and am congested and occasionally cough up some blood but other than that I am doing ok.  Tired but ok.

When I awoke after surgery yesterday in horrible pain from the tube down my throat I was so mad at myself and swore I wouldnt get the hysterectomy.  My throat hurt horribly yesterday.    They gave me some pain meds but this morning I was ok w/ just regular tylenol, my throat is fine today other than the coughing up junk.   I dont really feel like I had surgery yesterday except for the extreme fatigue, which isnt too abnormal for me!!

so theres hope I suppose.  I cant lift the kids or exercise or do much strenous for 2 weeks, and then he’ll tell me what I can do based on how I’m healing.   It’s hard not to lift the kids, which makes it easier for them to spend some time at grandmoms if they can!   I cant imagine not lifting them for two weeks!! esp. my baby Zeke!     at least he is big enough to climb up to me and I can change him that way too.   he has his own potty chair now and used it today.   I am hoping to potty train him before my next surgery, but not being to bed over (another limitation I have for two weeks) will make that hard to do too.

well my eyes are too sleepy….so we have power and I am doing ok after surgery.

Surgery was fine yesterday.  We have been without power since Sunday and are at a coffee shop getting online right now.   I am doing well post surgery but being w/out power is hard.  just wanted to update any one that could get online!!

Ike hit hard and several houses on our street have damage from fallen trees, but we were spared.    well off to figure out what’s next as far as food and ice…

I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have such an awesome hubby.  I took him to work this morning(Friday) and called him at 10ish and told him I needed to come home.   He did and almost always does.   We went to church so I could fulfill an obligation and chatted w/ my friend (who is also a pastor) and after many tears both there and at home I finally gave in to a nap and awoke feeling a lot better.  Now I’m feeling guilty for how I acted towards someone else and feeling guilty for not following through on a commitment I have this weekend.

The biggest issue I’ve had these last days is that I feel like once I told people about my health I was treated differently.  It’s not like it’s all of the sudden I’m not well, I just hid it well to a lot of people.   So it came as a surprise to many and I suppose what I mistook for not being wanted was them trying to be helpful, or so others told me today.   I have managed well lately considering, things got done and some days I even made it to curves.   I have really been enjoying my “job” at church and was excited about changes to our moms group.  now I feel like all of the sudden I’m out of the game.   I knew this next week I wouldnt be able to work.  I figured the following weeks and up until my hysterectomy I’d work and have the same routine as normal.   Now I’m not so sure.

My temper apparently got the best of me and I dont feel comfortable leaving my kids where I had been while I work.    Which sucks.  Like I said I loved working, I LOVE being able to be creative, productive and feel useful and best of all be appreciated!!   Not to mention it was a lot less physically demanding on me than spending those mornings w/ the kids, so they got to have fun and I did too.  it was a win win.  Now I feel like I’ve lost that chance.

I was told several times today that things will be fine once I’m feeling better in a few weeks.   Ha.  I so nicely told the one person I’ve been arguing w/ these last two days, that no I wont be better.  I havent been well for 10 years.  She didnt know this and how was she expected to when I never mentioned it.   Also, it appears I’ve made the mistake of not clarifying this surgery on Monday, I’m having it done because of my sleep apnea but it is no way a cure for it, in fact the ENT said so himself at my appointment.  it’s a last ditch effort to help me breath better overall in hopes of making my CPAP more useful to me which in turn may help me sleep better.   and in fact, I will probably have worse sleep over the next 4 weeks until I heal completely from it, which really is bad because my sleep already sucks.

When we moved here and I started meeting new folks I always wondered when it was “safe” to share w/ them about how my health has effected and most days does effect me.    At some point I decided I would only tell folks when it mattered, when it was necessary, or when I felt comfortable enough with them.

After we moved back to Baltimore and found a small group at Dean’s old church Caleb was just a few months old and I needed a laproscopy.   I also was going through post partum depression.   I shared these concerns and others we were having w/ our new small group.  we were told we were not welcome and that we were being too demanding and needy of our group.    I was afraid the same thing would happen here if I had to start out friendships by saying, hey guess what I really want to be friends but know I might need your help w/ my kids sometimes because I’m a loser mom who is unhealthy.  So I kept my mouth shut.

The more involved I got the more people I got to know and the safer I felt.   These last two weeks I only let people know I was having surgery because it affects my schedule which may in turn affect them.   I didnt expect anything from them.   but now I feel like things are different.  Like they expect less of me.  I’m still me, the same sick me I’ve been for years.   The same me they’ve seen get things done, be creative, take care of my kids and others, etc…..

but somehow it’s not the same and it never will be.  Now they all know I’m a loser who struggles w/ taking care of her kids because of her health.   I guess trying to hide the truth was easier but now I almost wish I hadn’t, but then again what would that have helped?

I always say when someone remarks on how I do it, those close to me who know the truth of how I really feel most days: why complain about it, it’s not going to help me feel better so why bother.   I get up, out of bed despite the horrid pain and fatigue I face every single morning.  I take care of my kids, my husband the house and as well as I can my obligations to church.

I never complained because it was pointless.   I’d still feel the same and I’d still be the same person.  I fight every day.   to get out of bed, to keep up w/ the kids, to get household chores done that are easy to others but exhaust me even further, and yes sometimes I force myself to go work out because I have to.    and some mornings, like this week I forced myself up and out of the house w/ the kids so I could serve others.   not because it’s expected of me, but because I believe God allows me the privilege of not having to work outside the home, so that I have more time for my kids and more time to focus on serving others.   I know I have more time than others who work and I want to be use this time to serve others and do God’s will for me and my family.

the next few weeks will be hard, no doubt.   I feel now though that they will be harder because I wont be able to do things I normally do.  There will be no forcing myself out of bed to rush off to do things for others because I’m not sure it’s going to work out anymore.  A few weeks after this surgery I’m due to get another, one that is drastically going to improve my quality of life, so we and the doctor hope, but one that temporarily, for 6-8 weeks will make me truly unable to care for my family or anyone else.

When we were in Baltimore and I got meningitis I had tons of friends and family to help out.   It was safe.   They knew everything, they expected nothing less or more from me because of my health, no matter how I was.

It’s hard enough explaining to a new doctor all of your health history, imagining trying to explain just the need to knows to people you want to be your friends.

I do try to be supermom.  I try to be a good friend.   I try to do it all.   the reality is I cant.  Dean knows and tells me all of the time I overdo it.  I used to be able to do it.   Not that long ago even.   It even seemed like lately things were going smoothly.    But the question is do I fool anyone, or just myself into believing that I can do it all???

For this I feel guilty.