I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have such an awesome hubby.  I took him to work this morning(Friday) and called him at 10ish and told him I needed to come home.   He did and almost always does.   We went to church so I could fulfill an obligation and chatted w/ my friend (who is also a pastor) and after many tears both there and at home I finally gave in to a nap and awoke feeling a lot better.  Now I’m feeling guilty for how I acted towards someone else and feeling guilty for not following through on a commitment I have this weekend.

The biggest issue I’ve had these last days is that I feel like once I told people about my health I was treated differently.  It’s not like it’s all of the sudden I’m not well, I just hid it well to a lot of people.   So it came as a surprise to many and I suppose what I mistook for not being wanted was them trying to be helpful, or so others told me today.   I have managed well lately considering, things got done and some days I even made it to curves.   I have really been enjoying my “job” at church and was excited about changes to our moms group.  now I feel like all of the sudden I’m out of the game.   I knew this next week I wouldnt be able to work.  I figured the following weeks and up until my hysterectomy I’d work and have the same routine as normal.   Now I’m not so sure.

My temper apparently got the best of me and I dont feel comfortable leaving my kids where I had been while I work.    Which sucks.  Like I said I loved working, I LOVE being able to be creative, productive and feel useful and best of all be appreciated!!   Not to mention it was a lot less physically demanding on me than spending those mornings w/ the kids, so they got to have fun and I did too.  it was a win win.  Now I feel like I’ve lost that chance.

I was told several times today that things will be fine once I’m feeling better in a few weeks.   Ha.  I so nicely told the one person I’ve been arguing w/ these last two days, that no I wont be better.  I havent been well for 10 years.  She didnt know this and how was she expected to when I never mentioned it.   Also, it appears I’ve made the mistake of not clarifying this surgery on Monday, I’m having it done because of my sleep apnea but it is no way a cure for it, in fact the ENT said so himself at my appointment.  it’s a last ditch effort to help me breath better overall in hopes of making my CPAP more useful to me which in turn may help me sleep better.   and in fact, I will probably have worse sleep over the next 4 weeks until I heal completely from it, which really is bad because my sleep already sucks.

When we moved here and I started meeting new folks I always wondered when it was “safe” to share w/ them about how my health has effected and most days does effect me.    At some point I decided I would only tell folks when it mattered, when it was necessary, or when I felt comfortable enough with them.

After we moved back to Baltimore and found a small group at Dean’s old church Caleb was just a few months old and I needed a laproscopy.   I also was going through post partum depression.   I shared these concerns and others we were having w/ our new small group.  we were told we were not welcome and that we were being too demanding and needy of our group.    I was afraid the same thing would happen here if I had to start out friendships by saying, hey guess what I really want to be friends but know I might need your help w/ my kids sometimes because I’m a loser mom who is unhealthy.  So I kept my mouth shut.

The more involved I got the more people I got to know and the safer I felt.   These last two weeks I only let people know I was having surgery because it affects my schedule which may in turn affect them.   I didnt expect anything from them.   but now I feel like things are different.  Like they expect less of me.  I’m still me, the same sick me I’ve been for years.   The same me they’ve seen get things done, be creative, take care of my kids and others, etc…..

but somehow it’s not the same and it never will be.  Now they all know I’m a loser who struggles w/ taking care of her kids because of her health.   I guess trying to hide the truth was easier but now I almost wish I hadn’t, but then again what would that have helped?

I always say when someone remarks on how I do it, those close to me who know the truth of how I really feel most days: why complain about it, it’s not going to help me feel better so why bother.   I get up, out of bed despite the horrid pain and fatigue I face every single morning.  I take care of my kids, my husband the house and as well as I can my obligations to church.

I never complained because it was pointless.   I’d still feel the same and I’d still be the same person.  I fight every day.   to get out of bed, to keep up w/ the kids, to get household chores done that are easy to others but exhaust me even further, and yes sometimes I force myself to go work out because I have to.    and some mornings, like this week I forced myself up and out of the house w/ the kids so I could serve others.   not because it’s expected of me, but because I believe God allows me the privilege of not having to work outside the home, so that I have more time for my kids and more time to focus on serving others.   I know I have more time than others who work and I want to be use this time to serve others and do God’s will for me and my family.

the next few weeks will be hard, no doubt.   I feel now though that they will be harder because I wont be able to do things I normally do.  There will be no forcing myself out of bed to rush off to do things for others because I’m not sure it’s going to work out anymore.  A few weeks after this surgery I’m due to get another, one that is drastically going to improve my quality of life, so we and the doctor hope, but one that temporarily, for 6-8 weeks will make me truly unable to care for my family or anyone else.

When we were in Baltimore and I got meningitis I had tons of friends and family to help out.   It was safe.   They knew everything, they expected nothing less or more from me because of my health, no matter how I was.

It’s hard enough explaining to a new doctor all of your health history, imagining trying to explain just the need to knows to people you want to be your friends.

I do try to be supermom.  I try to be a good friend.   I try to do it all.   the reality is I cant.  Dean knows and tells me all of the time I overdo it.  I used to be able to do it.   Not that long ago even.   It even seemed like lately things were going smoothly.    But the question is do I fool anyone, or just myself into believing that I can do it all???

For this I feel guilty.