Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Boaz’s hospital pic

Zeke, 6 days old

Caleb 3 months old

first thing this morning we took boaz back to the dr, his ear infection was not reacting to the ear drops so they gave him an oral antibiotic as well as a lotion for some sort of infection on his belly button. He seems to be doing somewhat better as the day goes on. So…after bo’s appointment we came home, had a friend from church come stay with Bo while we went to the hospital to go through a one hour car seat check for the baby. They put the baby in the car seat while he is hooked up to the heart and lung monitors to make sure it doesnt stress him out. We sat by waiting for the hour to end so we could take our little guy home. he’s still jaundiced and will see our regular pediatrician for that on Friday.

We picked up Caleb from school on our way home, he didnt want to go to school today since he knew his baby brother was coming home, so Dean had promised if Zeke came home we’d get him out of school early. He was so excited and has been asking to hold and feed the baby all day. but of course since I’m nursing that is hard. He also got mad that all the baby does is sleep and wont play with him! It’s odd, when Bo was born I guess Caleb was still too young to vocalize as he does now, so its so awesome to see him as a big brother at this age. Boaz loves having a baby around and hasnt minded my having to nurse. he has tried to steal the baby’s pacifier though, which is funny because Bo never used one as a baby. Zeke rarely uses one either but when he did have it Bo kept trying to take it.

It’s been hard today, trying to get chores done with the kids. I am really overdoing it as everyone keeps telling me but I cant help it, I want it to be easier and it just cant be. I want to be able to help take care of Bo but theres not much I can do with him til I am able to lift him without hurting myself. So poor Dean is on double daddy duty and its wearing him out. I told him now he knows how it feels to be me all of the time, probably not what he wants to hear. He spent most of last night up with Boaz and I’m hoping tonight he can sleep since Bo is on the two antibiotics for his ear. We’ve been arguing a lot today, I’m having a hard time adapting to not being able to do my job and Dean’s having a hard time learning to do my job! He’s doing great though. I was in the bedroom nursing Zeke and when I came out Dean had dinner on the table! He’s also been working on laundry all day as much as he can. He is intent that I wont do the stairs or do laundry because of all the bending it would require. I just want to be able to go on like normal but I keep forgetting I did have major surgery just about a week ago now. I’m getting worn out very quickly with nursing, being sick(think I have a stomach bug or something) and trying to do too much. I havent been able to eat too much without getting sick and I had to call my primary care dr today for more meds because the gout pain is so bad I could barely walk again. so I could be better but at least my baby boy is home.

despite some struggles today with adjusting to having all of the boys home and my being unable to help with Bo, there were many precious priceless moments between the three new brothers who were getting used to one another. when we first got home the camera wasnt workinig(again) so the first moments when Bo first met Zeke, since he hadnt been able to go to the NICU since he was sick, were just amazing. We wish the camera had been working. The boys already seem to love one another and it’s just a great moment as a parent to see what we’ve created and to know that the bond these boys share is like no other and I cant wait to see how they grow and change and how all of them impact our family unit. So we gladly welcomed Ezekiel to our home today and while it still seems so unreal since he mostly sleeps, he has already has an effect on our family dynamic and so far we are doing ok…as soon as Bo gets healthier I’m sure life will be much easier.

Zeke is now in a regular newborn hospital crib, we were able to take him out of the main nicu room to a family room to feed him this morning.   he has some wires attached which come off easily but we can disconnect them while we feed him.   he is doing so much better. So much better in fact they are going to do his circumcision today.  we’re very hopeful that he will come home tomorrow but we are only going by what the nurses say, hoping to talk to a dr soon!!  so pray things keep progressing……I am planning on going home tonight though, 5 days in the hospital has been way to taxing on me and I need to see my other kids.   so unless the lactation consultant convinces me to stay tonight i will go home after Zeke’s 6 pm feeding, and come back in the morning after we take caleb to school.   I am confident he wont miss me and that a night at home getting used to being there without a newborn will be good for all of us before having to adjust to my recovery and the newborn all at once.    so I can get things set up some more for him and feel like we are a little more prepared to bring him home.

Having difficult pregnancies is one challenge I’ve been able to deal with, it was hard and at times I didnt know how I was going to manage or why I put myself through it.   Having a baby born early and spending more days in the hospital than I need to is one challenge I dont know how to cope with.   The hospital we are in has been great, awesome even.  their boarding inn plan for moms w/ a baby in the nicu needing to stay longer is great.    but I dont think they thought about the emotional effect it has on a mom who has to watch other moms and dads care for their babies in their room or hearing those babies cry and being cared for by their parents in their room.   or watch other parents walking their babies down the hall in their little beds for all the world to see.   I know I am probably just dealing with a lot of postpartum emotions but adding to that not having a baby to hold and care for and show off to the world makes it so much harder.    I am a new mom, I just dont get to do all the things new moms do, including going home with their baby on the day they get discharged.

I hate hospitals.  I was ready to go home days ago but stayed to be near my son.   Now I just want to be home with the two boys I already have.   I feel helpless and alone.   Dean is doing his best to be here for me but someone has to take care of the other kids and take care of all the other things outside this hospital.    Luckily a friend has stayed at home all day with the kids today but I hate being alone at night here.   I have spent a lot of today alone here or in the nicu.   I’m tired and very emotional.   I want to take my baby home now and be a family, not a mom and a baby at the hospital w/ dad and two kids at home, two kids I miss dearly.   Caleb came to visit tonight breifly , he seems like a whole new kid, the big big brother.   he loves Ezekiel and loves to talk to him and touch him and ask questions about him.   he wants him to sleep in his bed when we get him home.    he’s never asked why he’s not home with us yet or even why we are here at the hospital for so long.    he is a smart kid and I know he must know something is wrong.    he’s excited that we’ll be home soon, 2 days is what we’ve told him, we are hopeful we can keep that promise.   i miss my Boaz and I hope I can see him tomorrow, I so want to go home tomorrow night to be near my other two boys but I think I might have to stay here to be with Ezekiel.  I keep thinking Zeke wont know or care if someone else cares for him through the night since he wont even remember it but that it would mean a lot to Boaz and probably caleb and dean too to have me home.   It’s a lot to deal with and I dont know how the other parents whos babies who have been here for months or longer deal with it.  I was in tears in the nicu tonight and wondered why I have not seen the other parent cry, maybe it’s becuase they’ve dealt with this, we’re newbies in there and they’ve probably dealt with most of this early emotion at the beginning but now have gone on with the other things going on.    I know our stay here will be breif compared to some of those babies and I am grateful, I know we are blessed, but it’s still hard and a big challenge.  After challenging pregnancies you’d think I would have been better prepared for this, but I think for me it’s always been easy, the after part, having the new baby and their being healthy.    I’ve never had such a bad pregnancy that it affected the health of my child, til now.   I feel guilty and wish things had been different but I know God must have a plan since he knew this would happen and I hope I can have more trust and faith in Him to get us through this in one peice.   sorry for venting here but like i said, I’m alone here so I’ve got to get it out somehow or I’ll be crying all night…

Zeke Day 3

Zeke & Daddy

(There is more where this came from … )

Zeke Day 3

Zeke & Daddy

(There is more where this came from … )