Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Everything went well at the drs this morning. Caleb was very active again on the u/s. And he looked so big! I can’t wait to see what our little angel will look like! It is getting closer and so scary. Our childbirth class in next Sunday and I think it will really hit me after that.

The eye dr said my eyes look great, my vision is 20/25 but that pregnancy changes your vision so I have to go back after I have the baby and am done breastfeeding. And apperently seeing spots and having blurred vision are quite common at my stage in pregnancy. The most interesting thing I learned is that during pregnancy, especially after the 8th month, your cornea retains water, so kind of like my ankles have been swelling so much, so are my eyes, but you can’t see it unless you are an eye dr of course. But that that causes visual disturbances and that it will go away post baby! I found that to be quite interesting. I guess I just never thought about it, but it makes a lot of sense.

I am still thrilled that my face is not swelling yet, yet my ankles are huge, and well I guess my corneas are swollen and my fingers a little, but my rings still fit and wont get stuck if I try to take them off. So I am doing really well. The dr laughed at me this morning when I asked if I should be concerned about my enormous swollen ankles, he took a look and laughed and said, you can still see your ankle bone! You haven’t seen swollen yet! I said, YET!? I am really freaked out about the size of my ankles, to me they look so fat! I guess it is just that I can tell how bad it looks and other than my huge belly it’s the only other visible weight gain, and it is just water weight in my ankles, but still. I feel huge enough already and when I look down and see huge feet it makes me feel worse. But it’s not that bad I guess, I mean like I said despite my belly and swollen feet there’s no noticeable extra weight. I guess we are always more critical of ourselves than others are.

I can’t believe Cheryl is just days/minutes/hours away from having her baby. It could be anytime. I am so worried already, I cant imagine what it will be like when it is that close to happening. And from the way it sounds like she is feeling I dont doubt she’ll have that kid soon! I love reading about how other “moms-to-be” are doing. And it is strange to think that soon we will all be writing about our babies instead of our pregnancies. Time sure does go by quickly, then other days I think it will be months til I have Caleb in my arms. But today has been so positive that I’d like to think he’ll be here shortly. I cant wait to hold him and watch his Daddy play with him. I think I look forward to that more, giving Dean his son and just getting to watch them together.

Apparently the news about our jobs is that the doctors will be in control of who goes or stays since now the expense for employees is coming out of their money, not the company we work for. So that is good and it is bad. We will be moving in with another dr’s office, which has more drs so if they decide we are overstaffed more likely than not they will get rid of the people they don’t know or don’t like. I know I am not any of our dr’s favorites, and being added to so many other employees will make it more likely that I may get cut. So when I got home today I started working on updating my resume. I think I may use my 6 weeks off when the baby comes to decide what I want to do. I like my current job but with our consolidating with another dr’s office it will not be the same and I dont know if I will like it, and if we dont move soon I may not work there that long before the baby comes so I dont know if I will have a chance to find out if I will like it or not.

Dean is in a great mood today, which upset me because he has been somewhat down lately, or so it seems, tired I guess mostly, and tonight was the first night he had plans with the theater and I didnt so I was frustrated that he had to be in a good mood tonight when the rest of the week he wasnt. Oh well. He is just so cute when he gets all happy and hyper, I told him he sounded high when he called me earlier. He was just so giddy. And the first sign that something was different with him is that he called, not once but twice while I was at work. So who knows, I told him he better still be in a good mood when he gets home or I will be mad at him! Maybe he’s just nice and rested having a few nights to do what we wanted instead of having to be doing something every night. But the rest of the weekend he is rather busy and I have to work Saturday so it’s a good thing we got some time together earlier this week.

Tomorrow is another ultrasound (the dr calls them bio-physical profiles because they are more extensive then a regular u/s) and I have an eye dr appointment. Frustrating thing is if I need glasses we probably cant afford them for a week or two.

I was remembering today when I got my last pair of glasses. It was senior year and I had to pay for them myself, I don’t remember my mom’s reasoning behind that one but I think it had something to do with the fact I was working and had money, well maybe it was the year after I graduated? Who knows, but I remember having to go get them and pay for them with my money so of course I got good ones but made sure it was a reasonable price. And it has been a while since then, so I know I am due for new ones if I even need them.

I dont have many memories from my child hood often, but as I sit here writing this I distinctly remember going to the eye dr and being told I needed glasses for the first time. I must have been 8 or 9 because I remember where we lived and that my mom had a decent job and insurance at that and on top of that could afford the glasses. But I can remember it like it was yesterday, which is hard to say about a lot of my memories. I can almost remember the smell of the office and the weather was gloomy. I know exactly where on the Avenue (Eastern Ave, a road in Baltimore that in that area was mostly storefronts and restaurants) it was and that is was next a restaurante where we went and got the best pancakes!! How strange. I guess I just never tried to remember anything but now that I do it is pretty interesting. The reason I remember it so well is because I was rather upset about having to get glasses but then after I found a pair I really liked I liked it because they made me look older.

Ironically as I sit here writing about Baltimore I get a call from Stacey! Who was in my thoughts a lot lately because I wasnt sure quite where she was since she graduated earlier this month. But I am super excited now because she is planning on coming to visit us next weekend, which is when the theater is having our baby shower for us and she was so upset about having missed my other shower that my mom planned so if she comes then she can go with me!!

Shew! I sure did write a lot and meanwhile I have gotten nothing accomplished this evening that I had wanted to, and before I know it Dean will be home and then I wont get anything done either! Maybe I’ll try to conjure up some more memories while I work around the house…..

Tonight Dean and I had no plans really, and I was hoping to go swimming or to go see a movie, basically just get out. But we ended up going to dinner at a new Mexican place with Dean’s parents. The food was great ! I stuffed myself which isnt hard to do with Caleb already taking up so much room. Then we went to the new theater we are working with to do some stuff. Even I helped out, and I was just going along to keep Dean company. That is always how it ends up with us and theater, Dean commits and I tag along. But I think from what Dean has told them about me that they know I want to help and are going to use me in any way they can which is just fine. I may just end up with a new job with them after the baby comes, in case my current one is no longer. So that is great to know.

It’s been a long day and unfortunately this week I am off Friday instead of Thursday so although my body is thinking, okay you can sleep in tomorrow, I can’t. And I really cant sleep in Friday because I have another ultrasound. Oh well, there’s always Friday afternoon to nap!

Today at work the girls threw me a suprise baby shower!! I was very suprised and impressed with how much work they put into it. It was great. They even were kind enough to buy some sugar free ice cream and it was rocky road, my favorite!!! They bought us the swing we wanted and lots of little things.

It was funny though because I was looking for one of the nurses all over the office because she had a call to take care of and I couldnt find her and after checking everywhere but the lunchroom, I decided to look there. So I peeked in to see if she was in there and sure enough there were gifts on the table, food laid out and there she was. So I found out early and acted like I didnt know. So as my lunch time came and was going and I was still up front answering phones a nurse came up and asked me when I was going to eat lunch and they were so silly about it because everyone had went to lunch and forget to have someone answer the phones so I told her that I couldnt go anywhere until someone came to relieve me because someone had to answer the phones! They had all been waiting for me to come back and assumed I would but I was still busy working. I thought that was funny. But it was nice how even the girls who were off today came in for the party.

So even if we lose our jobs I know I will still have good friends to depend on if I need them and that is nice to know. So it was nice to have it today because of all the news about maybe losing our jobs and we all just took a nice long break today and celebrated despite what is going to happen to our office. They said they thought they’d better have the party soon in case we do all get fired and then they wouldnt be able to afford baby gifts! So I thought that was sweet of them.

So despite the crappy work day we had, the party made it worthwhile! Thanks gals!!!

The dr said everything looks great! He wants me to go see an eye dr to have my eyes checked, and it isnt a bad idea since I havent had new glasses since senior year of high school, so I am about due. Caleb kept kicking and moving so much that the dr had a hard time finding his heartbeat cause all he could hear was the kicks. But he says that is the sign of a happy and healthy baby. So I felt much better after going to the dr. I’ve lost a pound since my appt last Thursday which makes sense because I havent been very hungry lately and thus havent eaten too much.

Well we’ve gotten no official news from work about our job situation but one of my co-workers husband found this today online, so it could mean us or if we are lucky we are not included in that number but as far as we are concerned we are expecting to find out soon that we will be without jobs. Tomorrow there is a big meeting of office managers at our office so we may know more then, all this waiting is annoying! I just wish they’d tell us something!

It’s been a long tiring weekend, despite the fact I haven’t done much but sleep. Friday afternoon at work I started having blurred vision, seeing spots, and being very dizzy. So one of the nurses checked my blood pressure, it was fine at 110/80, and my sugar was at an okay level, it was 119 and the dr likes it below 120 after meals. So I sat around waiting for my vision to come back but after 30 minutes I got frustrated and couldnt get any work done so we consulted with the one Dr. that was in the office that afternoon and she told me to call my ob. So I did. They had to page the dr and call me back so I waited and the final news was , go home, go to bed and we’ll see you on Monday. Not good because we are very busy at work and I knew it would be hard to get off on Monday but I worked it out. The annoying part is I just went to the dr Thursday and was doing pretty well but I guess I was doing too good for too long and we cant have that.

So all weekend long I have laid around for the most part, I am extremely tired all of the time and if I try to do too much, which isnt usually much at all, I get very lighheaded. Today I managed to force myself to do somethings. I washed all of Caleb’s outfits and some of his towels and cradle sheets. It’s a good thing I did too, it took me forever to de-tag everything and I know soon I wont even have the energy for that. I even cleaned out our closets and packed up what clothes Dean and I dont wear, in an effort to make room for Caleb’s stuff. It is so neat to see his little socks and clothes! I cant imagine what he will look like and it is strange to think his feet will be that little!

Dean did a lot of theater stuff this weekend, and I was alone for the most of the weekend so I had plenty of time to wallow in the misery of the way I was feeling. I admit I have been downright depressed for the last few days and quite moody. I know it is probably just hormones, but I hate feeling this way. I am about sick of trying to control my sugar especially when the medicine usually gives me the shakes and half the time I almost forget to take it or to check my sugar. I just hate having to think so hard about how I eat especially when I will be so good and eat right but still have a high sugar level. It makes me wonder why I even try to control it because it isnt seeming to help. So that has had me very depressed and I’ve felt very ill lately, not sick really, just crampy and lots of back pain. And I have no appetite, I will eat a bite or two then be filled which makes it harder to control my sugar because I have to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day which is so difficult when I dont even want to eat anything. I really should discuss that with the dr tomorrow, if I remember.

So it’s been a sad, lonely weekend, today was somewhat better though. I felt better getting some things done around the house, more nesting I suppose. And we went out this evening to meet with some people in a new theater group that want Dean to work with them, and the meeting went very well and was quite promising. They’d even take me on to help and aren’t against having Caleb sit by us in his carrier or play pen while we work , and they can pay us a little for each show we work on. So it was very promising and helped me feel a lot better about possibly losing my job soon or not being able to work because the amount they would pay would be better than no money at all. So, we’ve spent the latter part of the evening dreaming about this new venture and how we can do it with Caleb around.

I’ll write after my appt tomorrow night, I doubt I’ll find out much more than I found out Thursday, if I’m lucky they’ll put me on bedrest forever! Well Dean wouldnt be thrilled and I’d settle for having to just lessen my current work schedule but chances are I may not have a job soon anyway. I really do love my job but I just dont have much more strength in me to keep it up and feel somewhat healthy. When I got home Friday night my feet were about 3 times their normal size and I know it was because of working all day becuase since I’ve rested all weekend they have been fine. Well we’ll see what the dr says, probably nothing new but they wanted to see me so they must be concerned. I told them it was no big deal, it was more just annoying than anything, I mean my vision was really screwed up for a long time and I could barely see. It’s not like it hurt or anything but I couldnt function and it made me really dizzy. So I guess I should be concerned. I am more concerned about controlling this unconrollable sugar problem though…..but I dont know what if anything I can do about it that I havent already tried. Well good night folks, hopefully tonight will be more restful then the last few nights have been.

My ultrasound appointment was short and simple. The tech said they would just check for the amount of fluid and the babie’s movement today since they did size measurements last week. And luckily today Caleb was up and about. He kept waving his hands and fingers as if he knew I was watching! It was soo cute. I could see everything much clearer today. I still think his feet look huge! And turns out I was right about all those cramps on Tuesday and yesterday, Caleb was repositioning himself, and the stubborn kid is definitely not head down anymore. Apparently he is doubled over, it is hard to explain, but his head is down by his feet, it’s like if you were to stand up and touch your toes then look between your legs, yeah, that’s how I’d describe it. And his butt and back are sitting right up against the sides of my uterus and his butt is about logged up under my rib. So that explains a lot of the cramps I am having, the dr said it is my uterus stretching to accomodate him. She couldnt get very good pictures of him becuase of the way he was, mostly just got shots of his back, feet and head. She said he did very well on his movements today and once again she could tell he was practicing his breathing, and you could see his little heart beating! It is the greatest thing to watch. But I was dismayed to find out at my ob appt that it looks like we will go all the way to August unless anything major comes up. I guess I just was hoping it would be sooner because it is getting so hard to work any more and feel so pregnant and tired all of the time.

The dr said my belly measured 34, I am not sure if that is inches or if I measured at 34 weeks, and of course I didnt think to ask. And she said the baby is definitely bigger than he should be but that they try to wait until 39 weeks if they have to induce labor because with diabetes the babies lungs take longer to develop but from the ultrasounds it looks like he is doing fine, but apparently they’d rather wait if they can but that if my sugar cant be controlled, and she said they are still on the high side, then they may have to induce me earlier but that it would be better if I went into labor on my own because inducing means labor takes longer. So who knows, I want Caleb to be healthy but I dont know if I can take another 7 weeks of feeling so worn out and the cramps and back pain are awful. I guess I am just ready to not be working so many hours is all but I dont have much of a choice seeing as the dr has no reason to put me on work limitations. Since the weather has cooled off some my swelling is under control so even that isnt a concern right now. But my blood pressure was up today and they wouldnt let me leave the ob office until I laid down and the reading went to normal.

The new dr I met today is nice, she is a woman, so it was easier to talk to her than my regular dr. And turns out she knows one of our theatre friends, who happens to work at the hospital I will be delivering out. So she said maybe if I am lucky, Kathy, our friend, would be working when I go into labor. I was wearing a shirt today from when we did Joseph and the amazing tech. dream coat with Mason and the dr walked in and saw my shirt and asked if I knew Kathy since she worked on that show too. It was kind of funny. But it broke the ice since I was nervous about meeting a new dr today. And when the dr saw what my blood pressure was she even said, probably just becuase you were worried about meeting a new dr, all I could think , was how did she know that I was worried!? So it wasnt too bad at all. The worst part about my appt today was I used the directions to get to the office that I got over the phone and last time I went alone I did that too and the way they tell you to go is the long way and there are tons of lights so I was running late for my appt. I rarely go to the office at that location and when I do you would think I would remember to get different directions because every time I go the way they send me I get stuck in traffic. Oh well, the next appt, in two weeks, is at the office by my work so I know where it is and it is much closer, and with my regular dr.

So things look pretty good today, and except for being so tired and stuffy I feel pretty good about things. I was just hoping to find out that Caleb would be coming sooner but I guess not, so it looks like another 7 weeks of work, unless I get laid off before then. But why worry about that now, I think I’ll just take a nap and forget all about work…..for today anyway………..