Breaking through the Fibrofog…

For some reason I know that this is going to be a bad week. The good, Boaz had his 2 month check up today and did well. He now weighs 11 lbs 5 oz (50%) and is 23 3/4 inches long(75%). The sad news was she had to pull back his circumcision which had reattached some so he screamed his little head off for that, I felt so bad!! Then on top of that pain he had 3 shots, unlike his big brother who never even from infanthood cried at shots, Boaz screamed quite a bit. Add that to the fact he’s already congested and nursing less due to that he’s a happy little camper today, ha! I wish! So I had plans to visit some people today but by the time we were done with Boaz’s appt at which he was a mess and Caleb was not behaving at either so we came home after hitting the store for infant tylenol.

the bad of this week, my great grandmother passed away and we will be attending viewings and funeral with the above said fussy baby. Luckily we’ll be leaving Caleb with friends and family while we are there so that should be a little help. I’m no good at sick kids or funerals so this ought to be a challenging week. We knew the day was coming soon when my great grandmom was going to pass away, her health has been deteriorating over the last year. Sadly she never got to meet Boaz. I’m glad Caleb did have a chance to meet her even if he wont remember it very well. My great granddad passed away a few years ago so neither of my sons got to meet him. I’ve very blessed to have all of my grandparents still living, but it was great to have a great grandparent alive. I know it’s probably rare to have a living great grandparent at my age and we knew it was coming but it’s still sad. I dont look forward to any more deaths in the family. My dad, you know the one who never calls, has called twice in the last two weeks, each time to notify me of a death in his family. Sure I wanted to have better communication with him but I didnt want it to be this way or for these reasons. So I might not be around here much this week, it’s going to be pretty busy. I’m at least looking forward to seeing my family and showing off Boaz to them some more since I rarely get to see my dads family. Sadly for me writing this is what it’s taken to get my emotions going. I have been trying to stay focused on the kids and not thinking about things but as the viewing tonight gets closer its getting harder. If anything the hardest part of this for me is that this is my dads family, and I’ve never felt that I’ve known any of them that well. Now that I’m older I can choose to be in their lives but it’s so hard to get over the past and I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I hate dealing with family stuff it really is one of my weaknesses. I’m blessed to have such a supportive and loving husband who will be there for me and is always a great comfort to me in times of sadness.

So today I’ll be celebrating our beautiful son who has recently blessed our life and the life of an amazing woman who will forever remain in our hearts.

These are pics of Caleb that we have hanging on our wall. Dean took these pics when Caleb was about 4 months old.

This is a pic of Boaz at 9 weeks. Can you see the resemblance to the above pics! It’s amazing to me. I will say this, I am blessed to have beautiful babies, they are some handsome kids!! But I might be a little biased.

Boaz Iain at 9 weeks old.

Boaz playing with Caleb today.

Dont know what I’ve done to deserve it but today has been almost blissful for me. Caleb had preschool so while he was there the baby slept most of the time allowing me to do laundry, balance the checkbook, clean up some and then shortly before getting Caleb again I fed the baby. I even had to wake him up to do it, but for the sake of being allowed to eat and prepare lunch once we returned it was safer to wake him up and feed him before we got Caleb. So we had a good lunch, the baby wasnt as content as I would have liked while I tried to make and eat lunch but it was ok.

I was able to go through some of Calebs baby clothes, I had already gone through and sorted them by size before Boaz was born but that was all. So while Caleb played and while boaz napped I went through the clothes and found there were quite a few outfits that should fit Boaz now and that are winter clothes. I didnt think I had any left to get out but I was glad I found so many outfits, I was happier though thinking about the times Caleb wore them. We’re definitely going to have put names on pics we take now as Boaz is a spitting image of Caleb, a tad chunkier but otherwise looks the same. So now once he starts wearing Caleb’s old outfits is going to really be able to tell their baby pics apart.

The boys have been asleep for at least an hour and I’ve been able to clean the house, finish up laundry, start focaccia bread for dinner and enjoy a nice phone conversation with a friend. It’s odd how quiet the house is, I’m hoping the peace and quiet of the day lasts and that the evening is as enjoyable and productive. With any luck the boys will continue to sleep until Dean gets home which should be shortly. The only downside for today has been that I’m starting with a sore throat that seems to be getting worse as the day goes on, I should have napped some but I had too much to catch up on.

I’d love to vent about how I went out last night w/ the baby and came home to an amazingly dirty house, but I dont want to upset Dean. I’m over it as now I’ve got the house back in tip top shape, it just amazes me how much more I can get done in a day w/ two kids than Dean can get done with just one. I know they spent some quality time together and I had a nice evening out so that’s all that matters in the end. It would have been nice to come home to a clean house or at least an empty sink but oh well. I went to a planning meeting for the church’s womens retreat in April. I am really looking forward to it. it will be from Fri. night-Sunday and I will be taking Boaz with me, and hopefully my mom too! I wish it was sooner, a lot of my friends from church are going and it’s going to be great. I really cant wait, I just worry if I cant go out for two hours and the house be ok I’m afraid how it’ll be after a weekend with just Dean and Caleb. It ought to be interested to say the least. well I better work on dinner while the house is still quiet. Ah peace and quiet….I”ll enjoy it as long as I can!

Boaz at 2 months

Boaz & Caleb - Jan. 24th, 2005

Caleb and Dean playing in the snow - Jan. 23rd, 2005

This at least explains today…..now what about all of last week??

wow, just noticed the baby ticker says the baby is two months old!! wohoo!! Heck, thats right, two months today. Awww!! my cute little guy. I wish I could figure out what his problem is today. He was fussy most of the morning, he hardly ate and barely slept, I finally nursed him to sleep after he fought with me over it and now he’s been asleep for a little bit. I just managed to get Caleb asleep as well and oddly enough the dog is napping too. this is the nicest the house has been all day. this morning I was in tears and on the verge of a breakdown. Meanwhile right now things are ok, the house is mostly neat, I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, put one load away, bathed the kids, baked cookies with Caleb, dusted the living room, played with Caleb, made him help me clean his room, it was a mess! it’s been a busy morning, through all that work the baby was fussy and barely let me put him down, when he did he would sleep for about five minutes then wake screaming. When I was busy with the baby the dog would take the chance to chew up something ,anything she could find, so I had to get poor Caleb to take it away from her, she got mad at him and they started rough housing which made the baby fussier because they were so loud. Things get crazy around here so fast.

Did I mention after finally getting the baby down for a good nap, I thought I’d shower while Caleb watched a movie and got ready for his nap. I was just stepping in the shower when I heard Caleb in the kitchen, he had opened our front window and was yelling out to a neighborhood kid who was playing in the snow. Its quite cold out there not to mention this was not a ground floor window, which is good since he couldnt get out but bad because he could have fallen seeing as theres no screen in the window. I managed to get him back into our room so I could get some clothes on to go shut the window. I threatened him big time about gettng out of bed again while I was in the shower, instead he yelled to me the whole time and I was so afriad Bo would wake up but he didnt. It was quite nerve racking. Now I’m at least showered and dressed and he’s finally asleep, of course it looks like Boaz is waking up now so no rest for me.

I apologize to everyone whos called me and I hadnt been able to answer the phone or return your call yet or those who I did manage to answer the phone to only have to let you go to deal with the madness. I havent been able to have a phone conversation without things going wild, it’s like they know I want to talk and take complete advantage of it. I know Caleb takes advantage, and the dog is almost always a pain so it wouldnt matter if I were on the phone or not and of course the baby has a sensor that interrupts me whenever I want a minute to msyelf, like now he’s screaming for me. So I apologize to my friends for my lack of communication lately, right now I’d only be in a bad mood anyway so you’re not missing out much on talking to me!! I’m super stressed and sure I probably should talk to my friends about it but I tend to get so overwhelmed that talking makes me feel worse. So sorry and I hope things settle down soon. I hate that it’ s only Monday! I dont know how things can be so hard when Dean’s not here, but it is. Oddly I get more housework done when he’s not here but the situation with the kids and the dog is so much worse when he’s not here. Well I really need to get Boaz before he wakes up Caleb.

I’m sure most of you know about my increasing hatred of our dog. A year ago I kept telling Dean how much Caleb needed a dog, how it would be good for us to have around for security, blah blah blah. So whenever we saw ads for free dogs we made calls. When we went to see Stella, our current dog, I fell in love with her, and I am generally not a dog person. She is adorable, and was small, a definite requirement for me.

the beginning was hard, she had accidents all of the time all over the house. We got over that. She was great with Caleb. We had issues were her getting out of the yard, a lot. We got over that. Then she went into heat and the issues with her getting out got worse. now we can only take her out when we go with her, if she knows we go in the house she’ll jump the fence and run like the wind. This was hard for me to do with one kid, now it’s winter, there’s snow out there and I have to worry about leaving the baby inside alone with Caleb while I take the dog out to go to the bathroom. It’s been very trying.

In the last few months we’ve endured chewed up toys, luckily none that Caleb’s too attached to. We’ve had my curtains destroyed, several times. She’s torn down the mini blinds several times as well. She’s knocked over the trash and made countless messes doing so. These were all things I got over. but lately she’s been much more aggressive. She sits next to me while I nurse Bo and barks at me and sometimes paws at us. She used to jump over Bo if he was laying on the bed or the floor or the couch to get by him, lately she just steps on him as if she doesnt care that he’s there. I cant leave him in a room with her without having to yell at her for licking him and scratching at him. I dont think she’d really hurt him but as she gets more aggressive I worry more.

Then she did something unforgiveable, she chewed up my electric breastpump. Those things cost a good deal more money than anything she’s destroyed in the past not to mention I need that darn thing. So last night Bo decides to sleep longer than usual and I awake with aching chest and cant pump because I have no pump. So the dilemma was hurt and wait for Bo to wake up, praying this wasnt the night he chooses to sleep through or wake him up and risk ruining the first night he might sleep through. Luckily in the half hour I laid in bed aching and thinking it through he started to stir so I just woke him up and fed him. We had a busy day today, despite all that snow we got yesterday so we didnt make it to the store to look for a pump til 9 pm tonight, yeah bad timing trying to get one that late at night, but I didnt think we’d have trouble finding one. We went to Kmart, where we found the other important thing on our list, snow boots for Caleb. but they only had expensive manual pumps, and if I’m shelling out that much money it better be electric so we decided we’d try Walmart since we had time to make it there before they closed. They only had the top of the line dual electric pumps, one for $60 and one for $150, you know the whole complete breast pumping set. I wanted the cheaper single electric pump like the medela the dog ate. Neither Kmart or Walmart had anything close to what I wanted so despite Dean’s insistence I fork out the big bucks I knew I’d be happier shopping around and getting what I want for the price I want. So tonight we’ll pray Boaz wakes enough to keep me from being too full and sore. Maybe tomorrow evening we’ll hit some more stores, after another busy evening that is. I dont pump a lot but at least once a day I need to because at night Bo doesnt eat a lot anymore but I get so full that it hurts so having the pump helps me stay comfortable and to be able to freeze some milk to have for bottles when we need it. I think Dean is more mad at the dog for breaking the pump, I think at this point I’m just so fed up with the dog it’s just another thing. If I think about it too hard I think I may physically hurt her. I’ve seriously considered getting rid of her, now it’s just a question of how since I dont know why anyone would want a high needs dog. I dont know that she’d hurt Boaz but shes getting a lot rougher with Bo and even me lately and I dont want to risk it. Not to mention at this point she’s destroyed enough things of mine that its just not worth it. My poor ears and head ache all day because all she does is bark at me while I talk to or feed the baby. If I’m not playing with the baby she is usually fine, she’s so jealous its ridiculous. I cant handle it and now I’m afraid my son is going to lose his best friend and I am going to hate tearing the dog away from Caleb but I’d rather do it before she hurts any of us or runs aways and gets hurt. I’m hoping Caleb will understand but I’m sure it will be tough for him to deal with our getting rid of her. I want to do what is best for both our sons but right now I feel like I’m choosing what I want not necessarily whats in the best interest of Caleb, but I ‘m not sure. All I know is I cant keep living this way, I get so angry with the dog I want to physically hurt her and I know thats not good. I have never been so mad at anything/anyone in my life as I get with her when she acts the way she does. I hate feeling the way I do and I’ve done my best to alter my attitude when she acts up but I’m getting too stressed by her, a fussy baby, and a toddler who wants me to always do what he wants when he wants which I cant do when I have a fussy baby and a crazy acting dog. Last week was very tough for me and I’m praying this week will be different but I’m already getting stressed worrying about being left alone with the dog and two kids. the kids I can handle, its just when you add the manic dog to the equation it doesnt add up to much but a recipe for disaster.