Breaking through the Fibrofog…

I’ve had a hard time eating, or wanting to eat, and most of all of keeping food down that I make myself eat so this kid will keep growing inside of me. Every other Thursday we have life group and we all bring part of the meal for dinner and eat together. I love that part of Thursdays, or I did. Last night nothing was appealing to me, and I did try to eat some things but immediately felt ill. I was hungry too, it was just that everything makes me feel like throwing up. I sat away from the group and when asked why I told them I was staying away from the food! Several made comments that it will get better, yeah sure if you my pregnancies were normal. Then of course the comments that ” I never got sick when pregnant.”

A friend said that she knew it was because God would never give her something she couldnt handle and that’s why she had an easy pregnancy. Dean joked along the lines that Amy can handle it and that’s why God let her deal with it. I said yeah unfortunately I can handle too much and that’s why I suffer. but it’s really not true, not really. I dont like being sick. I dont think it’s fair that because I sit by and take it that that means I’m stronger because of it. In fact I feel very weak because of the things I’ve been dealt with in my life. My mom commented a few days ago that she gives me a lot of credit for keep going and feeling the way I do. I feel weak and helpless. yes I get through everyday and somedays suprise myself with just how much I do despite constant trips to the bathroom for various reasons and feeling constantly fatigued or ill. I get by because I have no choice. i have two kids to take care of, a hubby to care for and a house that needs tending. I dont do this becuase I am strong enough to, I do it because it’s life. this is what I was dealt with and I’m doing the best I can to deal with it day by day. this has meant not doing much socially or even keeping up with my friends because honestly I’m barely getting by.

People see more in me than I do in myself. they think highly of me because despite throwing up and hating food I did what I had to to prepare a dessert for yesterdays meal. because daily I do things that they say they never would if they felt like I do. but if you were in my shoes you’d learn quickly to get over yourself to be able to do what needs done. what I see is the truth, I’m miserable and sick and almost wish I wasnt pregnant. but if I werent pregnant it would be something else I’m sure making me ill.

My 7th year wedding anniversary is a month away, of these 7 years I’ve been sick in some way for at least 4 maybe even closer to 5 of those years; at least. I cant beleive that my hubby (of almost 7 years) said that I can handle it and thats why God lets me, he should know better than anyone how weak I am and how I struggle everyday. I’m not strong folks, dont think that I am. Inside I’m miserable and wishing I could be like you who said you had great pregnancies. will I be stronger in the end, yes I can say in some ways after years of dealing with different health issues I am better able to deal with things that come along, but I’m not strong because I do what needs done despite what life throws at me. I’m a mere woman who’s trying to get by and take care of herself and her family, really if it were you you’d learn to do the same. In fact I wish it was someone other than me…I’m so sick of being sick. I’ve got many months to go and this is just the beginning. so much to look forward to!!!

Dear Baby E,

I know that mommy is busy caring for Boaz and Caleb and that it may seem like I dont pay attention to you but I’d rather recognize your prescence during times that dont involve my hovering over the toilet. So if you could just be patient and give mommy a break I’d be very appreciative. I might even throw in some ice cream for you!

I really do love you Baby E, but I’m tired and would really like to enjoy a meal once in a while so please learn to like things other than salad! I know your brothers taught you well in utero and now you’re just doing as they did, but mommy is doing her best. I hope you are getting enough to eat and that you are growing strong. I am pretty sure I can feel your movements already and look forward to the day when your daddy can too.

Your brothers are growing a lot and I know you can hear them playing all around you. They will love you as much as daddy and I do. We are glad to have you joining our family and cant wait to meet you.

w/ love, your Mom

pregnancy really screws with your head, and your dreams. the only time I’ve experienced dreams where I wake up truly upset or angry about something that happened in a dream is when I am pregnant. I spent the last hour of my morning before getting out of bed tossing and turning and being mad at Dean for something he did in my dream. I mean I was truly angry with him and I kept trying to go back to sleep but I couldnt stop thinking about the dumb dream. In my other pregnancies this happened, but I dont remember what the dream was about, I know in one of the pregnancies, bo’s I beleive I dreamt someone close to me died and I awoke scared and upset and waiting the phone call that it was true, luckily it was just a dream.

So in my dream this time, I caught Dean in bed with another woman. she wasnt beautiful or anything, but I can see her face clearly still. After I “found” them, she got up and walked away and said it’s not a big deal I’m leaving to go back to Alaska today anyway and she was gone. Dean tried to tell me it didnt mean anything and explain it away, in the dream I mean. I left and took the kids to my friends house. I was crying and telling her what happened and she kept laughing at me. That made me really mad! she said Dean would never do that to you and she wouldnt believe me. So I went home and kept hitting Dean and told him it was over. In the dream we had kids, but two blond curly haired little girls. I mean one was an infant and one was crawling around, walking sometimes. There was no bo or Caleb, just these two baby girls. It was a strange dream and I awoke still angry w/ Dean; hours later and I still am a little frustrated.

I told Dean about the dream and he instantly got offended that I’d think he’d cheat on me. I mean it was a dream, but I did ask him if there was something he needed to tell me! the last time I had a dream like this, one so real and that stuck w/ me, I woke up crying and couldnt shake the bad feeling all day. I wonder what makes us dream the way we do? I’m glad it was just a dream and the funniest part to me of the dream was I kept telling people there’s no reason for him to be with someone else, it’s not like we’re not having sex all the time. I thought it was funny that I kept saying that to people, especially people I’d never ever talk to about my sex life. It was crazy, just another pregnancy symptom you dont get told about, very vivid dreams. I hope that’s my “one” for this pregnancy and that it wont happen again. It may have something to do with that cheese steak sub I ate shortly before going to bed!

I spent a good part of yesterday afternoon in bed, but today I am still exhausted and miserable. It doesnt help that the sky is clouding up and I’ve got a long to do list since I wasnt very productive yesterday. Dean is going to try to take Caleb to school in the mornings for me since that’s one of my hardest times of the day. Today was nice, but I will miss the walks/talks we have in the morning, but I’m sure it’s good for Dean and Caleb to get some one on one time. Everytime when Dean is home and he tries to rough house w/ bo or just play with him in general Caleb always tries to get Dean’s attention, going as far as pushing bo or getting in between them. He is a daddy’s boy and he wants daddy to only play with him. Poor kids going to hate it when he has to share daddy w/ another baby too!! I’m hoping it gets easier for him, but I dont know that it will.

So far today I’ve baked 4 dozen cookies, cycled out clothes that dont fit Bo anymore, reorganized baby toys in his room so he can play in there instead of having most of his toys all over the living room and put laundry away. It’s probably no wonder I’m so tired, Ive still got lots left to do and Bo is finally napping so off for a shower and then more housework, maybe I’ll get a nap this afternoon but I’m not counting on it!

I went to pick up Dean around noon to help out this afternoon. We had to run to walmart then come home and eat so 2 hours later and i’ve not gotten any rest yet! but for now bo is sleeping and Dean went to go get Caleb from school so I’m hoping I truly have the rest of the day off. I made myself eat lunch and once again am regretting the decision to eat at all. I hate feeling like this!! Sad part is that I dont expect it to get too much better, eventhough I’m just about into my 2nd trimester. In fact it seems to be getting worse, as it did with the first 2 pregnancies. Just Lovely! I wish Dean was one of those fortunate souls who could work from home; that would be great! Well I better rest while the house is actually quiet. I cant wait to hear how excited Caleb is when he finds out daddy is home and will be the rest of the day. I’m sure it will make him a very happy little boy. At least I’m hoping!! He and Bo are both daddy’s boys, makes me frustrated, I struggle day in and day out for these kids, even before they were born, as I am with this kid in utero, and who lights up their eyes? who’s name do they call out…sure as heck aint mine. Blah! yeah sure Caleb tells me I am pretty and that he loves me but…for once to see either one of them get excited when I get home…oh yeah, thats right I’m not priviledged enough to ever leave them…..oh well…off for a much needed rest.

Caleb’s been going to school for almost a month now I think, and I’ve not had any real connection with any of the parents and honestly dont know if I want to. sometimes standing by and watching/ listening to them is like watching a tv show. Today the drama was as bad as I overheard one parent calling the cops on another who refused to move her car out of where it was double parked which resulted in quite a heated battle between several parents. I dont think I’ll ever drive Caleb to school, it’s dangerous up there. People park wherever they want, usually doubleparked on both sides of the street so no other traffic makes its way through the street, it’s a a true mess, they really should have cops or something or for the people who live right across from the school signs up about no parking or at least reminders about double parking, hello it is illegal folks.

last week all they were talking about was the sex offenders who live in our area, they know this becuase they went onto the sex offenders registry website and found out where they live. A few days later I hear one may saying one parent accused him of being a sex offender because how he looks and acts towards the kids, this guy was picking up his own freakin kids folks! I dont blame him for being mad. to me he just seemed a little odd by the way he acted and talked, BUT to come out and call him an offender?!!

yesterday they were complaining about the senior citizens who use the school to play bingo and how they try to park where they shouldnt and they left the school door open all day. One lady said I respect my elders but i’ll get mean if I have to, apparently some of them had been asked to stop doing what they were doing wrong and they called a mom some foul names and it wasnt nice. All this folks is the things I hear while waiting to pick my kid up or drop him off. yesterday I heard that last week the school was on lockdown and the cops came because a kid was waving a gun around a classroom, turned out to be a toy but the kid was let go and his parents not even contacted!!! the eldest kids at this school are 8th graders, I think the parents should know this from the school officials not from overhearing playground gossip.

So all I know about some of the parents of my kids classmates is that most of them are bitter, mean, gossiping ladies. Sure a few I’ve tried to chat with seem nice but I havent been able to really get into the circle since everyone knows each other already and dont care to talk to anyone else. It feels like I’m the one in school again, I sure dont miss this enviroment and it’s making me wonder if it’s really good for Caleb. but he really does like it and he’s learning so much already. I just hate the drama I have to see everyday, I wonder what “good Stuff” I’ll hear today!

Last night I was throwing up pretty badly and feeling pretty bad, bo decided he wanted in on the fun and threw up all over his bed which I just changed out his sheets this afternoon. I’m still pretty sick this morning and just want to crawl into bed. My whine for today…I just pray Bo doesnt get sick anymore because I cant stomach it. I so wish Dean was home today.