Breaking through the Fibrofog…

Not only is this cute but fun!!!

Well since Caleb’s bout with being sick I tried very hard to make sure he got breastmilk, and I pumped right before the next feeding to make sure of it. But alas, the supply is dwindling down. I had to submit to another try with formula, it’s been about an hour and he is resting, but not so peacefully. Could be the formula, or the storm outside bothing him. I just attempted pumping again and got little again. So it seems my body is doing a good job at weaning itself.

In other news, remember my missing paycheck from last week? Well my boss said on Monday it should be here by Wed. or Thurs. It is now Friday and I hope it is in the mailbox this afternoon! She also said this problem may happen next week as well, and we really cant afford not to have my paycheck next Friday, gas money for our trip kind of depends on it. I mean we should be fine money wise, but it looks like we will be paying gas for four cars: the uhual, my car, dean’s truck and a friend of Dean’s brother who is going to drive his brother back since he will be driving Dean’s truck there for us ( is that as confusing to read as it was for me to write it?) And gas nowadays is not cheap! So we are hoping to be okay but how can you estimate gas for that many cars for that long of a trip, okay, I know you can but I am not good at math and dont care to figure it out. I just worry immensely about our finances, seeing as I write all of the checks and make sure the bills get paid. And we are on the verge of having only one paycheck and I was really counting on my last two paychecks but we’ve had to survive on just Dean’s for the last two weeks, and yesterday our acct was looking quite measely. But luckily Dean got paid today. If we werent dealing with the move and having to pay for it out of our own pockets, Dean’s work is not footing the bill unfortunately, then we’d be just fine and would actually have a little extra money but since we have all of the expenses to deal with it is quite scary. And on top of that, since we are having to break our lease the rental place wants Sept and Octobers rent! We will only be here for 6 1/2 days in Sept and that is it. But since we are breaking the lease they want 2 mos. rent, but they said they will give us back our security deposit and we wont have to repaint the baby’s room back to white. Seems to me if they can be lenient about the deposit and painting that they’d give a little on the rent too. They told Dean if they find someone to rent our townhouse before October then we dont have to pay Octobers rent, but from the looks of it, there are already quite a few empty townhouses in our complex so it’s not like people are fighting to live here. So all in all, this move is proving to be a big expense, I am sure we are doing well enough to afford it but I know most companies pay for relocations, I guess we will have to settle with the nice raise Dean will be getting.

I received a letter from my work yesterday about my FMLA and it said that my return to work date was October 5th! That is still a whole month away! I didnt think I would be off of work that long, I mean before we found out about the move. But since I left work early and had a c-section I ended up with almost 12 weeks off of work anyway. But most of that would be unpaid, so like I said I should only have one more paycheck, I think, maybe two. I never know how these things work. All I know is that if I had to go back to work here, it wouldnt be til October and by then I’d probably be so used to being home that it would be so hard to go back so maybe the move will help me. Well Caleb calls…..oh to be a babe and so carefree….

Poor Caleb got sick last night, vomitting. It was definitely not your regular old spit up, and I immediately feared it was a milk allergy. As a baby I could not even put milk in my mouth, I would immediately spew it out.(so I’ve been told) And apparently Dean’s brother did the same thing as a baby. So I was very worried Caleb would have a similar allergy. But we have since not given him any more formula, I have resorted back to pumping and actually had him latched on the breastfeed once since then. But my supply is dwindling down so we may have to do another test run with the formula and if anything find out that he is indeed allergic to it. I was a wreck when he was sick though, I completely blamed myself, I mean he had just completed a bottle of breastmilk and I took all the blame for making the decision to have tried the formula the feeding prior to that. But he is fine now and I am sure even if he is allergic to milk he will survive just like I did when I was a baby.

The packing is definitely well under way. I am so surprised how at much we have gotten done. I actually helped yesterday. The saddest part was taking the crib apart, Caleb currently sleeps with us or in the cradle. But we have the nursery painted so cute and his crib was all set with the John lennon set, and now we will have to do it all over again! Oh well, now we can make sure the next time it looks even better! I should have listened to Dean when he said we shouldnt paint, but we got to enjoy it for a month or two! Too bad Caleb hasnt gotten to!

It’s down to 8 days before we are in Baltimore! The more boxes we pack the realer it seems. In the meantime Dean and I have had a rough few days, I’ve not felt well and between lack of sleep, working, and then coming home to pack he isnt in too happy a mood all the time either. So we’ve tried to get along but I think the stress is getting to us. I almost cried last night when I realized he’d fallen fast asleep and hadnt even muttered a good night or anything. We are always very good about cuddling and saying good night, and oh dont forget our good night kiss. So I was so upset with him but I know it’s not his fault. He is working so hard for this move and for us, I appreciate it, but then again I didnt ask for the move or all the stress accompanied with it. I am sure we will both be glad once we are there and laying down to sleep in our comfy bed our first night back to Balto. Dean was so tired from all the moving and the rough night we had that he went into work late. He never does that. So I know it must be getting to him. Thanks honey for working so hard to get it all done!! Tomorrow night no packing! We are going out to dinner with theater friends for a last good bye! I dont know which will be more draining, packing or saying good bye!

I went to work today to drop off my letter of resignation, okay, my two weeks notice. And Karen had a gift for Caleb and I! It is a photo album, and it is so cute! Her daughter makes them! Nothing store bought could ever compare. So I have started making my scrapbook pages to put in the new album and am suprisingly amazed at how easy it is ! My biggest problem is that most of the pics I want to use are still on disk from the digital camera and we dont have a good printer so we are going to have to go to Kinkos to print some out so I can use the ones I really want. Having them on disk is great for the internet but I really like having hard copies, especially in album form, I am just sentimental like that I guess.

It’s been almost 2 hours since Caleb’s first bottle of formula and he’s had no fit of vomitting or poopy diapers yet so I am hopeful that he is not prone to the milk allergies I had as a baby and that Dean’s family has a history of. But only time will tell, but so far it looks like he doesnt mind the formula in his full little tummy!

Well Caleb just had his first bottle of formula and he didnt seem to mind the taste at all. But we’ll see how his next diaper looks before we decide if it was a good thing or not!

I really intended to write yesterday, I dont know what happened to my day! Caleb was only awake for a few hours, but it always seems like forever when I am trying to get things done. I made dinner last night for the first time in a while, or so it felt. It wasnt anything grand, but it felt good to be back in the kitchen again. I really do enjoy cooking and baking, but I doubt it will be a while before I can really do much of it again.

Out of all of the cool things Caleb has, I think the one that works the best for us so far is his bouncer chair. Not only does he not mind sitting in it, but it looks so cute too! Plus it is light enough to tote up or downstairs, though I dont think it was a swell idea to do so with Caleb in it, but that we Dean’s doing not mine. And the funny thing about it is it is probably the cheapest thing we have to entertain, it cost about $25, now the expensive swing chair w/ mobile gets some use too but Caleb usually fusses a little and Dean picks him up. But I love using the swing when I have to get a shower, I feel kind of guilty though, I knowingly put Caleb in it so he will fall asleep so I can get a shower. In my mind that has to be some form of neglect, but what else I am supposed to do with him while I bathe?

In other news, the move is moving along swiftly. Dean has packed up a lot, and did some much needed sorting and throwing away of unneccessaries. We actually have a uhual truck rented now, which makes me feel much better. We just need to call about a storage unit in Balto for when we get all of our junk there. Then once we are there comes the most difficult part, finding a place to live and dealing with Dean’s new job. All of which I am sure Dean will bear most of the burden for, but I think I will have a hard enough time getting Caleb acclimated again to his new surroundings, and then again when we move into our more permanent place.

Dean sent out a farewell email to everyone he could find an email addy for, and slowly we are getting replies. I feel bad because I really havent told anyone anything about moving, unless it comes up. I just cant imagine that in a week we will be on our way to Balto and this time for good. It’s not just another visit with the relatives, it’s a life change to say the least. I dont want to face people because they always ask how I feel about it, and I cant say. Since we found out there was the oppty to go back I havent let myself get too into the idea, even now with the house filled with all the packing stuff, I still dont think it is real. I dont quite know how I feel. I know that this is a great thing for Dean, career wise, heck I’d love to say that I work at the Senate building! And I know that this may be the oppty I needed to be able to afford to stay at home with Caleb , but then again it may mean I have to work even harder, who knows how that will all work out. All I know is that I now have no job to go back to at the end of my eight week recovery. That saddens me a great deal. For all the complaining I did about not wanting to work, it was mostly because I physically didnt feel up to it. I miss work actually. I liked my job and I think it was something I could do for a while, and thats the first time I can say that about a job. I get bored easily with things but there was just enough change and challenge to make it interesting for me. And the possibilty of being able to have work pay for me to go to school was great, and I was seriously thinking about it since Caleb is here to support, it would be great if I could have a degree in something. I am still considering going back to school when we go to Balto, I mean if I dont have to work, I would love to go back to school. But I doubt we could afford it, and I am only one payment for paying off all of my old school loans, so why get myself more loans to deal with? But I think it would be good for me.

So I dont really know how I feel about moving. I am SO happy, and I cant describe how thrilled I am , that we are getting the chance for everyone to meet Caleb. But that is really all I wanted. I had said before I go back to work I would love to go back to Balto to show off Caleb to family. And now not only do I get that chance but he can visit them as often as he wants, until I go back to work or do whatever it is I end up doing with myself. So that is great. But I dont know if I could settle for just being a stay at home mom with nothing to do everyday but take care of Caleb and watch my soaps! Like I said I like work and I love going to school, and yes I love being home with Caleb, but I feel like I should be doing something else. I have always kept house and worked, that is what a woman does. And I know someone needs to take care of Caleb and it may as well be me, but I feel like right now my days are just spent sleeping and eating. I know things will change as Caleb gets older and needs less as often but for now I kind of wish I had something to go to everyday, like work. I guess it just is hard when I cant do much around the house right now because of my incision and the whole feeding thing with Caleb is not going well. Before the day is out I may have to give him formula and to me that is the biggest failure out there, not being able to feed Caleb myself. I know I said I wouldnt get upset if I couldnt breastfeed, but I didnt actually think I’d have problems doing so. Now I face a supply and demand problem, Caleb wants it and I cant seem to give enough. There have been issues since day one of breastfeeding, and I was doing good dealing with it and coped by pumping my milk for Caleb to have. but now that isnt cutting it, I am simply not producing enough. I attempted breastfeeding again last night. So far it’s been a fify fifty thing, half of the time he latches on and it fine, but then the next time I try he doesnt want to even try - so I had to give him a bottle of pumped milk. So I guess if things were easier taking care of Caleb on my own all day then maybe I’d think it isnt too bad an idea staying home with him, but I cant help but think of all the things that I could be doing and doing right at work. I guess I just wasnt prepared to not be a good mom. Okay, I know I am probalby doing the best I can but it still is hard when Caleb cries forever for no reason and nothing I do comforts him. And of course he is never like that when Dean or anyone else is around, so I wonder if I am the problem. Who knows. Point is, on top of issues with Caleb and the move I dont really know how I feel about anything. I cant say if I want to stay home with Caleb or go back to work. I cant say if I think the move is a good thing for us or not. I just dont know. I guess in time I will figure it all out, but for now I’d rather not talk about the move with anyone because how can you talk about something when you dont even know how you feel about it or even the details of how or when exactly it is going to take place?

How is it that the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard always incite crying in Caleb!?