after a lazy week in Baltimore I would have thought I’d come home refreshed. I was happy we got home early yesterday, around 2:30 p.m. Dean spent some time cleaning up the garage while I worked on unpacking the stuff he’d unloaded into the house from our trip. We went to dinner and walmart to load up on groceries. The kids were in bed at a reasonable time as were Dean and I. Yet this morning I again awoke feeling horrible. I made myself get up and get going, even took the boys to my friends and went to curves to work out. Halfway through the circuit I realized I might not be able to finish but slowed down some and continued on. By the time I got done and was stretching I became really worried and wondered if I’d be able to drive myself home, but in the end I was able to and went back to get the boys and chat w/ my friend. I struggled through lunch time and getting Zeke down for nap. I finally crashed in my bed letting Bo lay there watching tv. I could barely move and really thought I might be slowly becoming paralyzed. I dont know if the exercise made me feel worse or if was the new migraine medicine I took after getting home from curves in hopes of making my head feel better or a combination of everything going on. thankfully my friend picked up Caleb from school and bo eventually fell asleep so I got about a 30 minute nap. I still feel horrible and my whole body is all tingly, like pins and needles vs. itchiness. that’s the best way I can describe it. I’m in pain and I’m exhausted. I felt pretty crappy like this all of last week while we were gone and I just hoped it would get better, so I thought maybe getting back into exercising would help…but now I’m really worried about things. I have an appt to see the dr and get my MRI results this Friday, I really wish that appt was sooner, at least that way I knew I’d have answers while feeling this crappy. Dean and I agree that this is definitely getting worse and this is how things tend to go…which concerns me that I may finally get a diagnosis of MS because I will feel fine some times then go through horrible flare ups when days seem unmanageable for me(which is hard w/ three kids!) I’ve convinced Dean to come w/ me to the appointment on Friday, that way even if it’s not MS he can help me ask the right “what’s next” questions. and if it is MS that way I’m not alone to deal w/ the news! We’ve been through this before and I know that I will probably feel better eventually but days like today make me worry about the future and my ability/inability to take care of my kids.
As I laid in bed this afternoon w/ Bo he had called Dean on my cell phone(by calling the last number called) and I was somewhat relieved to know that if something were to happen he’d at least know how to call someone, even if it wasnt always Dean as the last number called, but that anyone I call on that new cell phone would be able to help him since there’s not many numbers on it still!! At one point during their lunch time I was on the verge of calling Dean and begging him to come home or calling my dr because I felt like my arms were going numb and my legs were so weak. I hate feeling this way and I hate complaining about it.
our last night in Baltimore I was awoken around 3 a.m. ,I think, by my friends husband who asked me to come upstairs that something was wrong w/ my friend(his wife) As I walked up the two flights of stairs in silence I was afraid she was having a heart attack or something. she was having horrible stomach pains and was very upset. I did my best to talk her through it and she eventually calmed down and was settled back in bed. we think she may have had an ovarian cyst rupture, since I’ve had that before and ended up the ER it sounded like the pain was similar, that or it was really really bad period cramps. But as we sat there she talked about how I handle the pain I go through all of the time….as I sat there with her I didnt know what to say…here I was praying she was ok and worried out of my mind and she was reflecting on how well I handle things like that. I think in the midst of it she may have forgotten how much I complained that week about feeling badly! I dont think I handle any of this well, esp on days like today. I feel like I have spent all day complaining about how I feel. perhaps thats why I feel so much worse than normal…no I doubt that. I just wonder if I have a true view of myself and how well I do or dont do on my “bad” days. I mean I did manage to do a lot today…curves, got dinner in the slow cooker and then completed later on, did some laundry, took care of the kids, including letting them make a big mess w/ their new paints that the Easter bunny brought them…..I know I do get a lot accomplished despite how I feel but I still think I dont react well to how I feel. I think it still affects my family relationships and social life.
I worry about this being the beginning of more bad days then good. But I know I’ve gotten through phases like this before. I have hope, I really do…but feeling this bad makes me still doubt. and I’m sure that’s pretty normal, I just wish I had more faith and less doubt….
