After school today:
Zeke: It’s so clean in here.
Me: Yeah that’s what happens when your mom doesn’t have a job anymore.
Unfortunately I can’t take all the credit for it today. It was honestly clean today because no one was home to mess up the house. It also helped that yesterday in a manic state, in addition to doing 5 miles, yoga and going to the dr I also cleaned the house from top to bottom.
The downside is that today I couldn’t get out of bed. I used to think fibromyalgia was to blame. I would overdo it one day and the next I would be miserable. I would have one good day. A day when I could conquer the world. I would think, why can’t every day be like this. I would accomplish a lot. On those days I would make great plans like signing up for my next half marathon. Yesterday I was thinking about signing up for the flying pig in the spring because I did 5 miles. I was thinking I could easily build my mileage back up since I had just down a half marathon in October.
A few months ago I joked with Dean about whether all of my half marathons were just mania induced pipe dreams and if I was just crazy when I decided to sign up and train for them. I’ve kind of always known something was wrong with me, I just hadn’t had a doctor to diagnose it. I mean who really signs up for a half marathon knowing they shouldn’t really be even running when they have arthritis so bad their joint replacement has failed? That’s crazy right? Well, that’s me! I’m fighting the urge at the moment not to create a half marathon training program as I type this.
I want more than this. I want every day to be like yesterday. I want to be able to be active, get a lot accomplished, to be social, to have my kids come home and be excited that the house is clean, that dinner is planned out and something they will actually enjoy eating. I don’t want every day to be like today.
Today I took the kids to school, attempted to drive to my dr appointment but cancelled en route because it was unsafe for me to be driving. I came home and slept for 5 hours straight. I woke up and got the kids from school, walked the dog a mile and gave up on going further because I just couldn’t today. I managed the energy and desire to clean up the kitchen, mostly because Zeke’s comment about it being clean impacted me so deeply.
We have plans tonight that I’m not sure I’ll engage in because I just don’t feel up to it. Today is a down day. It’s the polar reverse of yesterday and I hate everything about it. I have to be very intentional to get out of the funk. I slept because I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. I didn’t sleep well last night thanks to yesterday’s mania going into the night. When the crash comes it comes hard. This is why I quit my job.
Yesterday I regretted quitting. Yesterday I thought I feel pretty decent, aside from my normal every day aches and pains. I got in exercise & got a lot done. I thought if every day feels this good there’s hope. But the truth is there’s not a guarantee of what tomorrow holds. With bi-polar tomorrow is unknown. Tomorrow could be another up day or it could all come crashing down. I had two really good days. Today was a bad day. I’m praying a good day is on the way.
Earlier today I looked out the window and there were at least 50 birds in the back yard. It was my reminder that just like those birds, no matter what today holds for me, my God is providing for me. I don’t know what they were out there seeking – but they were finding it in my backyard. I know that this is just where He has me planted for now and it’s where I’ll be content even if the day doesn’t always go as I planned.
For now, I will keep being present and doing what I can to manage in the moment. Sometimes it’s all you can do. Today was a reminder that this journey will have ups and downs. My prayer is that the downs are less frequent than the ups.
