Healing

Today I went to the endodontist to get a minor surgery to repair a failed root canal.   I sat there unsure of what the dr was going to do and remembered the same uncertainty I felt a few weeks ago when I sat in a chair awaiting mohs surgery.  Both times I was numb and couldn’t see what either doctor was doing, but I trusted them completely to do what was best for me and to do so while providing the least amount of pain.

Today as I sat there and listened to song after song about trusting God, because of course God led me to a doctors office that would best suit my needs, I recognized that today was about more than a hurting tooth.  So many times over the years I’ve put my life, sometimes quite literally, in the hands of a physician.  I trusted that they would do what they could to bring healing to my body.   Sometimes, like these last few weeks I trusted them blindly.

Throughout my lifetime I frequently found myself in operating rooms or doctors offices expecting a man or woman to do their job to bring me healing. Here I was, once again letting a stranger use sharp instruments to “heal” my body.   We believe that God gives doctors wisdom and skills to help us, and that he also gives us the wisdom and knowledge to create medicine that will help us.   But, I know I also trust in God to be there for me when I need healing.  Today I was reminded that I need to remember to trust in God more, even when I can’t see how or when the healing will come.

This last week has been challenging. I’m struggling with some very personal things.   I am in the process of learning to rebuild trust in someone I care for deeply.  I am learning to forgive.  I am learning what unconditional love really means.  I know that without the great physician, my God, guiding the scalpel and cleaning out the hurt in my heart that I will never truly heal.  Just like physical surgeries, this is a painful process.

Today as I sat through a stupid minor tooth/gum surgery, I was reminded that even in the small things God is guiding me and others around me.   Just like this week when the bandages came off of from my moh’s surgery, I can look back on the hurt and the healing that took place to bring me to where I am today. There’s a small scar that will always remind me of this time of healing.

I know my heart will forever be changed by the hurts done to me, now and in the past. I know one day when I pull the bandages off there will just be a small scar left to show for the healing that is currently taking place in my heart.   The process won’t be pretty, it will take a long time, and it will be painful.  Today I realized that without that pain healing won’t come.  I also was reminded that God will never leave my side, through the big things and the small things.

Sometimes we need to be humble enough to truly surrender ourselves to God and others. Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough not to have to undergo so much pain to learn my lesson.  For now, I’ll tackle this just like every other thing I’ve overcome, one day at a time and with a community of friends by my side.