Finding success

It’s been over a year since I’ve written here; this makes me sad.  What I used to share here became short, frequent facebook updates because I’ve been too busy working, taking care of my family and doing homework.  As I read my last blog entry I reflect on how much of our life takes place because of choices we make.

In the fall of 2011 I was approaching the first school year with all of my kiddos gone from 8-2:30 every day.  I was scared. I knew my job as full time mom was no longer going to be my primary role.  I was afraid of who I would be if I wasn’t a stay at home mom. I was afraid because I know it’s counter-cultural to be a stay at home mom as it is; let alone once your kids are in school all day.  I knew I would be questioned and looked down on for not “doing more” with my life.

I frantically searched my heart and decided I’d go back to work; but I had conditions. I wanted to still be there for my boys when they came home from school and didn’t want to lose that vital time with them.   I found a job that allowed me to do just that. The first few months were great.   We made it through the first summer with them in daycare, and they thrived; and so did I.

After a re-organization at work it was made clear that I needed to change to a full time schedule. I politely declined and was promptly moved to a different role, which to me felt like a demotion.  I disliked the work and tried to discuss alternatives with management.   As my health declined, as it does frequently when you add immune problems, chronic illness, raising kids,going to school, working and the stress of all of the above, I requested to cut back some more hours. I was not only told no, but that I needed to add hours not subtract them.   The job that seemed to come as an answer to my prayers, was becoming a stumbling block. I was no longer able to give 100% at work, at home, at school, or with our community of friends.

After much prayer and discussion, last week I gave my two week notice of resignation.  In my exit interview with HR, we discussed that it would have likely worked out for me if I was able to work full time.  This was not a new revelation to me.  I had been often referred to at 1/2 a person in terms of workload, participation, and simply as a human being yet gave all I could when I was on the job; even giving up time on the weekends and evenings when needed.   I saw countless job postings for the position I longed for go by because I refused to give up my vision to be a mom and student.

I spent months trying to make the best of things, finding joy in the opportunities I was given to train others; something I found I was good at and enjoyed doing.  I was able to find joy in doing anything other than the primary role I had been assigned.   I would go home grouchy, in pain, and miserable.   This in turn meant I was often short on temper with the kids and too tired to focus on homework; let alone give my husband the attention and care he deserved.

I knew something had to change.   I took off from college for a course, hoping to spend more time resting when not at work so that I’d get healthy since I have an upcoming surgery in February.   Despite the extra time to rest, I found I was still not improving much health-wise.   My stress level at work was rising and it was again made clear I wasn’t going anywhere if I didn’t add more hours to my work schedule.

I knew when I made the choice to return to school in the fall of 2010 it was a decision that would change our lives. I was right. I gained valuable experience. I learned that I enjoy and am good at training others.   I engaged in relationships that have changed and challenged me.   But in the deepest part of me, I chose to go back to work to try to discover who I am if I’m not a SAHM.  But once on the job, it became clear that I can never give up my job as a mom.

A mom who is sick, stressed, and miserable has a negative effect on the family.  Everyone suffers.   We decided financial stability is not worth the damage done from me trying to achieve success via the worlds standards.   Success for me is the smile I see on my son’s face when we sing together.  Success is seeing the boys learn a new skill.  It’s helping them work through homework after school and watching them improve their math, reading, and writing skills.  Success for me is playing a board game with my family. Success is listening to Dean (or one of the kids) share with me about minecraft even though I have no clue why he enjoys the game.  I’m sure many will disagree with me here, but success is keeping the house clean so friends and family can drop by on a moments notice and feel welcomed and “at home”.   it’s having an extra frozen meal in the freezer that I can take to a friend who is recovering from surgery, illness or loss.  Success is being part of a community that loves you and accepts you for who you are.  Success is knowing your worth is found in God, not man.

Success is not a paycheck. It’s not a promotion. It’s not working 40+ hours a week doing something you hate.   Success can not be measured in hours of overtime worked.  It can’t be measured in how many lunches you work through.

What is your definition of success? Are you working towards being successful by your standards, God’s standards, or the standards of the culture you live in? Which is most important to you and why? What decision can you make today to start working towards becoming successful in a way that strengthens you, your family, and your community?