Our church has bumper stickers/car decals for those who choose to become members, or shareholders as we them. They say: IN. As in, ALL IN.
I want one that says I want out! NOW!
Not for the church per se, but out of this mess we call life. Out of this battle for whatever it is that’s going on in my life.
When talking of the church I was raised in, I will often talk of how toxic it was. Recently I’ve realized there were positives about it. Gasp! I know the horror! The one thing I am ever so grateful for, is that they instilled in me the very real fear and acceptance that spiritual warfare is real; that the devil is a real enemy and how I can battle against him. I love the Frank Perretti books, I even believe,and some Christians may spam may for saying so, they may have opened my eyes to science fiction! They also opened my eyes to the reality that faith can be blind. Just because I don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. There is a very real enemy in my life, today and every day.
He does “prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8.) In fact that was one of the earliest scriptures I ever recall remembering. Lately he’s been deciding to just show up in not just the subtle ways as he used to. Years ago I started laughing as things went from bad to darn right ridiculous as life threw us one obstacle after another. We’re past that point now. There’s no laughter anymore. I am amazed some days that there are any tears left to cry. Some days I will find myself heaving big sighs out of no where, just because my body is so stressed to capacity.
Last night I finished week 5 of my first CCU class. On my way to class I had a great phone conversation with my dad, he actually called me. He called just to talk, nothing was wrong and had nothing he needed. On the way home I talked to my mom and shared my joy about being finished and having an A so far in the class. I got home and shared all of those joys with my husband. Then of course, as it happens, the ball drops. As is normal, I can’t share details. But I handled another phone call, that was completely unexpected at that time, which blew me from cloud 9 right back down to the basement where I’d been living the last few weeks in despair.
I am strong woman. God gave me an enormous amount of gifts, but it seems He also has found that I learn best through testing and trials. “The strongest steel is produced from the hottest fire” (Andy Andrews, Mastering the seven decisions 168) Lucky me.
I’ve spent the morning processing this new situation, seeking wisdom from friends, and praying. But I’ve also been baking brownies for an event at church tonight and taking care of my son. Life goes on. I can’t stop living because life happens.
I’m a weary traveler on this journey and while I feel weak, somehow the forces at work still think I’m strong enough to fight for and keep sending more my way. I say I want out, and while at times it’s true, I know that I’ll look back one day and be amazed at how little and insignificant these trials seemed in light of everything else, although for now these are the biggest I’ve ever faced. (not that I need that to be challenged right now, I really am done right now, seriously, you should have heard my dear Husband’s choice words to the Man himself last night! We all have our breaking point. While I feel like I am there, I keep going. Somehow I get up and keep going. I don’t know how, and only by God’s grace and providence will I get by. So if I look a little worn for the wear or even turn down your invitation for something, know that while I would love something positive right now and normal, right now I need to take comfort in home and being with my family as much as possible. Praying for continued comfort and peace throughout this time of uncertainty in our lives, and courage to keep on standing firm for what we believe even when it gets difficult.
“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves… [W]hen they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you.” Matthew 10:16, 19-20
