I anxiously awaited our trip to MD to visit family and friends. I was most excited of course to get to spend some time with my best friend, whom I love like a sister. Our kids are evenly spaced and we each have 3 so what may have been a catastrophic week of 6 kids and 4 adults under the same roof for one week surprisingly went well. The kids loved being together and the adults of course enjoyed the added freedom that having a few more hands around to help out! We spent some time on Easter visiting family and we hoped to return again to visit those folks later in the week we would be there. But as the week went on we got sick, at one point at least one of our kids or one of Susan’s had a fever but were still healthy enough to play but not to visit elderly or unhealthy relatives so we hung around together sharing the germs! So we didnt get to get in all the visiting we had wished while we were there but it was a pleasant trip and a nice break from reality.
We headed back home on Saturday so we’d have time to go to church on Sunday and Caleb could attend rehearsal for “Annie”. I was so glad to get back to normal and was glad the kids were going to school on Monday. Then came Monday night….Caleb was sick and Bo awoke Tuesday sick. A drs appointment revealed they had strep! So they stayed home from school a few more days and luckily I was the only other one of us to get it, and on Friday I was at the dr praying I’d get an antibiotic too, and I did! What I had looked forward to as our first week back to a normal schedule was filled with disappointment and lots of whining, kids and finally myself included!
So I was hopeful that as long as Dean and Zeke stayed healthy that this week would be a normal week for us, which means busyness and doctors appointments! Last night after going over our bills and accrued medical debts we made the tough choice of pulling Zeke out of physical therapy, which will save us $180 a month in copays and a great deal in gas. Not to mention would mean less driving around for me which tends to make me fatigue easier.
We also made the choice of not getting Kings Island passes, something we have been planning to do for months. I just couldn’t justify spending $400+ on leisure while there were so many things that need to be paid, even if it’s mostly just medical bills. The kids will be unhappy but we are hoping that making the right financial decisions now will make the next few months easier!
I’m in a bad place health-wise and am losing hope for how to get healthy again. I have an appointment today with my foot dr, and I am sadly going to have to tell him we cant do physical therapy right now and I don’t even know if it would matter. I’m in a lot of pain in my foot still, which the surgery was supposed to have fixed. We are canceling our Y membership, cutting whatever we dont need to make ends meet. We have some money set aside to buy a bike for me and hope that doing family bike rides and using the wii fit and other free exercises at home will help but it’s hard when I’m in constant pain. I am losing weight though, but that’s because of other new symptoms that are causing me not to eat much of anything. I cant decide if I’m not eating because I’m sick or I’m sick because I’m not eating. Either way it’s a fast weight lose method, but isnt helping w/ the fatigue!
Lots going on in this mind of mine, and by the time Dean and I get time to settle down and have a serious talk its after or close to midnight and I’m too tired to have the conversations that I need to have right now. I am looking at my future and trying to figure out what I want and ideally what I can even expect with not knowing how healthy I will be. I have been trying to dream, to think about what I want if money and health weren’t an issue and that is fun, but then I wake up from the dream to the truth, and it hurts. In more ways than one.
I was grateful to have gotten the goal of our trip to MD accomplished, to visit grandparents and my dad before one or more of them leave this world and glad my kids got to as well. I was more grateful for the gift of true friendship and being able to return home, to OH, and know that we have built something here that is worth trying harder to keep and that I need to give others more a chance to fill the hole in my heart that not having Susan around all the time has left! I came home with a desire to be more open and giving to others and was looking forward to finding time in my schedule to make time for me and developing new friendships, but then of course reality sucks and when your sick you dont want to be with others and mostly I havent even had time or energy for Dean let alone anyone else. So it’s a process, and I’m determined to be more open and try more, cause there might be another gal out there who can be my Susan to me here. Although I’m glad that even just a phone call can bring her back to me! And that no matter when we get together it’s just as easy as if I was with her the day before!
So I’m going to stop expecting much of what’s left of this week, and just focus on paying more attention to the details of whats right in front of me, and occasionally I hope I can take the time to dream and realize what the next few years will hold for me as I get closer and closer to having all three kids in school all day! Until then, I will just fight to get myself up out of bed and make it where we need to today and pray 5:00 comes quickly.
