During the last 6 weeks our church and our small group has been on a journey toward getting Free. (the guide book states this: this is an interactive guide to discovering at least one thing that’s holding you back from the free, full life God intends for you.) It’s a lot of soul searching, praying, and dreaming about what your life could be like if you simply let go and let God. Some weeks I felt really good about the things I did that week in my guide book, some weeks just emotionally and spiritually kicked my butt!
Slowly but surely I was doing things I had never done before, letting go of control of the housework and instead investing more time into my kids and myself. Sure I always do things w/ the kids, but I had set standards about how the house needed to look before daddy got home from work and would at least want a plan set for what was for dinner if dinner want already cooking by the time he got home. Dean frequently commented though that our didn’t feel lived in. While what I would want after coming home from being gone all day was a clean house, a good meal and happy kids, well was not what Dean necessarily wanted or needed when he came home. Especially if it meant I was too tired, sick or unhappy to do anything for the rest of the day because of it!
I’ve always been good about playing w/ the kids (when my health allows for it) but sometimes I would let my “work” take priority over their work which of course is simply playing! So once I realized that I could instead spend all day playing and still have a loving happy home (if not more so) at the end of the day I was much more able to let go.
Not to say that right now my house isn’t drop by visitor ready, which is a standard I try to keep no matter what(for the sake of always having an open door/hospitality type attitude), it’s just that what that means isn’t the same to me as what it used to be. There can now be dishes in the sink, toys on the floor, backpacks wherever….and I can still feel like I’m a good mom and homemaker if someone drops by unexpectedly or even planned!
While I thought that this was what my freedom journey was about, since it was really doing a great thing for all of us and the stress level in our home, the truth is behind it all there was even more going on!! (imagine that, you go open the suitcase, put away and deal w/ the first set of clothes only to find more things that need handled and put away!)
I’ve been blessed to have the chance to have a relationship with my niece that is something I can’t explain even. She stays with us frequently and we all love her dearly. Lately that has turned into just weekends to more lengthy stays. Which has meant that rules needed to be put in place, because she’s no longer just a “guest” she’s more a family member. What used to be passable as Laura can do that or this because she’s older or because she can decide for herself or because we’re not her parents….has turned into well really if you are going to be here this much you need to really bear the burden a little more and be treated as equally as the other kids are and not get “freebies” when it comes to discipline or helping out. But that’s a hard place to be in, for any one let alone a tween. Or even more so the adult who has to have that conversation with said tween!
But by the grace of God, I’ve been in similar shoes as our dear LG, the youngest daughter living with mom and step dad who also needs to deal w/ bio dad as well. I spend my days being open to LG and listen and encourage and share my heart and my story with her in hopes that as she sees my freedom from the hurt that my youth caused me that she can dream and hope for healing for her broken heart as well! Today we had what I thought was a good conversation and I was glad that even though we’ve had to have some tough “do your school work, be the good example as the oldest kid, and the like” talks that she was still able to be open to sharing her heart w/ me.
This afternoon as I drove to the doctor alone I prayed for my kids, my family, and for LG in particular. I prayed for my upcoming trip during which I’ll be spending some time w/ my dad, who is finally interested in being a part of my life, after years of relentless trying on my part to get him to be. During which time I realized that my heart even after all these years is still yearning for one thing : to be loved and embraced by my Father (my bio one) but instead all I’ve ever felt was alone and rejected. (for those following along w/ the Free series, check out the Yellow part!!) As I was praying this in the van with tears running down my face, Bo’s second favorite song, “I am Free” was playing on the radio at that exact moment! I was able to see not only have I been able to help Laura along her journey but she’s helped me get to the end of my Free journey too, from one hurt little girl to another we’re walking this walk together. she’ll be with me next week some as I see my family, and at first I didnt understand why she wanted to, but I think what’s been happening as we’ve talked and the trip has come closer she’s heard me share my heart and tell her about my fears, hurts, and expectations, uncertainties for seeing my dad next week and I think she wants to see how it ends. I’m not sure what I’m expecting but I know that I know something now that I didnt know when I was Laura’s age, that sometimes God’s timing is not the same as ours. that when I was her age I prayed for my dad to want to be a part of my life, I prayed for my family to be healed, to be complete, for there to be love in our home, The irony is just like LG I had a step dad who was a part of my life, and that sometimes we have what we need when we need it, even if it hurts us or we don’t want it that way. Sometimes we think never seeing an answer to our prayers is God’s way of saying no or rejecting us, but maybe He is just working on it but it might take a lot longer than we want it to!
I’m sitting on the couch in my not clean living room, as my boys sleep upstairs with their dirty laundry filling the floors, a tween girl sits across from me on the love seat, her cute shoes strewn on the floor, as she sits curled up with a book and cup of hot tea. I imagine it’s not something many moms get the joy of experiencing, these moments of content and peace. Knowing that today I was loved and loved, that I have the rare joy of spending hours just listening to the longings of my kids (and even other peoples kids) and this is my mission, for today.
To enjoy my freedom and encourage it in others. Are you free yet??
Who I Am from Dave Little on Vimeo.
