Dont know who’s the idiot, the dr who knowing I had three kids, let alone even without I dont know how I would have fared, told me to stop my med which for years has made my life livable and functional, or me for agreeing to stop.
so today after a week in Hell we called the dr because things were getting really bad, scary bad, and her answer, stop the new meds and go back on the old one. Â Gee thanks for that.
I dont know how long it will take for it to get in my system but please pray the re-addition of it doesnt cause even more problems. We’ve put our plans on hold for having a student move in this week because things just are that bad around here w/ me being so sick. we’ve also discussed that I might have to quit watching the baby, as in immediately if this new med doesnt start working quickly.  Either way the bills wont get paid and the effect of my health just ruins everything in sight.  the kids are being affected the most, next to myself, at this point.  I’ve considered that I might need to remove myself from their care for their own safety even if things dont improve quickly and drastically.
this is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to endure, and it’s not even life threatening….well unless you consider the fact I’m suicidal and if the kids act out I feel like beating the crap out of them…..but other than that…..
add to that unbearable pain and a body that just wont work right….well it’s a nasty combination.  Dean’s been a trooper but it’s really making things difficult for all of us.
I’ve dealt with pain for years, amongst other debilitating symptoms and sometimes major surgeries. Through it all I’ve never given in to it, I’ve never spent days or even one day in bed wallowing in it. It’s been a week of it and for me to be to the point of spending days in bed and avoiding outside life, well that should be a sign to most of you that something is not right.
Some think it’s my own fault, or I’m not trying hard enough, or I’m not being positive enough.  Every one has a breaking point, and I’ve tottered at the edge of that line for years now……I’ve fallen completely and I dont know how to get back.  If you know me well you know this is not how I normally handle things. You know I go go go and give give give despite anything.  So please believe me I’m trying hard to do that now and I’m lucky to be able to get out of bed and sometimes make myself eat.  Please know that I’m not avoiding you, my friends whom my family and I need desperately right now, because of anything other than the fact I cant even manage a conversation without bursting into tears.  that a smile is something I cant even fake right now.
Some of you are probably sick of hearing about another Amy malady.  I hope through the years you’ve seen I have gotten through and try hard to stay positive despite my circumstances.  I would often start immediately thinking of what good would come out of this, another opportunity for me to lean on God and my community, another chance for God to show His stuff.
We know that if God wasnt with us right now I’d probably already be admitted someplace and possible be losing my family forever. I’m fighting this I just need you to know what’s going on. This is a battle I dont know how to win and while in the past I always knew it would get better today I am even lacking that hope.
I dont want or need anything really from any of you, but I know my family needs to be held up and covered in prayer like never before. I dont want my kids to have to keep seeing mommy be sick. I want them to live in a happy healthy home and right now it’s not.   This isnt all about depression folks, this is deaing w/ chronic illness and the depression that comes with it. theres no amount of “positive thinking” that will make my body repair itself.
I am sorry some of you got the impression I’m just dealing w/ losing my depression med, the point is, I’m currently living life w/out the FDA approved drug for fibromyalgia.   I know some of you probably think that that’s not a “real” illness but believe me if you lived with my pain for one day you might change your tune.  On top of that I’ve got advanced arthritis which makes walking and going up and down stairs difficult.  Again, more pain….
The fact I have dealt with this for so long and managed my 3 kids sometimes others kids and kept up home and serving in the community may make it hard for some of you to believe it’s that bad. Â Well it’s not bad when you’re on a medicine that for you works magic. Â Take that out of the mix and well life sucks.
My husband cant touch me or even get close enough to without me cringing for fear of the pain. My kids cant sit on my lap or even sit too close to me if they are bouncy or active, and well you all know my kids!
My diseases have stayed silent for a long time to many of you, some of you close enough to know better still know I manage better than most folks dealing w/ these conditions. Â Â So while it may seem to some that I’m all of the sudden “sick” is untrue, the truth is, it’s just gotten a lot worse w/ out the meds to manage it.
Tonight I’ll start back on those meds and hopefully there will be no ill side effect, like more added weight which is why we stopped it in the first place or more altered mental status since the drug does have anti-depressant qualities starting it up and stopping it or vice versa can make you nutty, literally.  I dont expect to wake up tomorrow and be perfect, but I’m actually a little more hopeful now knowing that there might be an end in sight for me. at least for most of the symptoms that are currently making life unlivable.  the rest will still be there, pain, fatigue, and a list of many other, but they will be manageable. I will be able to fool you all with how great I am and you’ll be none the wiser….so until then…..forgive me for being rude or not answering my phone or returning phone calls.  I cant right now.
Please pray….
