Spent the last fews nights sitting side by side w/ my hubby as we both surf the net or do other idle things on the puter. tonight as I finished up I mentioned that I’ve blogged almost every day for the last few days, since I’ve been back to blogging that is. Then I realized that that wasnt true, I didnt write yesterday and was just about to go watch tv and go to bed without blogging again.
yesterday my brother and his family came to visit; another couple came over to visit with us too. So we had a housefull last night, and again today. Dean unfortunately had to work today, so it was just myself, Caleb and my brother his wife and their son, until this afternoon. My parents came over and brought w/ them my grandparents. It was a busy place these last few days. we’ve had a housefull of people off and on for days coming and going. It was starting to try my nerves too, and it didnt help that I had an important doctors appointment today.
So I left Caleb here w/ family and headed off to the doctor. I told them that I never have to wait long to see this doctor so I shouldnt be gone long. Well after the first fifteen minutes of waiting a man came out of the drs office and sat down in the waiting room again. I thought ok, he is done and maybe he’s waiting for a RX or samples or something. ten minutes later the dr calls him back in. Then it hit me. This little routine was familiar to me. When we first went to this doctor Dean went with me and we both went in first to discuss things then Dean was sent out while the dr did his exam and then he talked to both of us again. I had been getting a little frustrated for having to wait, but like I said this was the first time this dr had made me wait, so I knew it must be important. Then I felt very sympathetic for that other couple. the wife was in her 30s or so I was guessing and I put myself in her shoes. Sure she could be there for a zillion reasons but if it was anything similiar to what I was dealing with I was glad for her that she found this doctor and even more grateful that her hubby found it equally important to be there w/ her. By the time I was called back I had forgotten all about having to wait long because I knew that surely anyone who needed more than an hour with the dr truly needed to be seen more than I did. I felt a little better, until it was my turn of course.
I told the dr I was feeling bad again, very bad. he looked me over, said my eye looks better but that its not normal and he is unsure from the notes sent from my neuro-opthamologist if he thought my eye just looked better than it did pre surgery or if it was normal. So he’s having me go back to that dr asap to check it, he seemed worried that things may be worsening after the surgery and that it may not have worked as well as it should have, or could be that that other dr knew that after surgery my eye was better than it was and that that was the best it was going to get. So point is, the psuedo tumor was causing severe optic nerve damage in both eyes, my left eye a lot worse than the right. So I had surgery on my left eye to correct the problems being caused and to prevent vision loss. When I went back to the dr that did the eye surgery he said it looked better than it did. my dr today agreed but we werent sure if like I said if better is all that I am going to get or if its getting worse than it was when I went 2 weeks ago when that other dr said it was fine. If its not getting worse but how it is now is how it is going to stay then I will continue to have symptoms and have basically been told there isnt anything they can do. If it is getting worse I may need more surgery. Either way its not good. Either way I will still be sick. He told me that right now both eyes look about the same as far as the optic nerve damage, and that when I first went there was a huge difference in how the left eye looked compared to the right eye. Now its about the same but neither is good or even close to normal.
when I say my eyes are normal or are damaged its not something you can see by looking at me, well except for now w/ the post surgery healing in my left eye which is still very visible. When the dr uses a light to look at the back of my eye, the optic nerve, it is damaged and swollen, which causes me to feel bad. This is just one of the complications, the major one, of psuedo tumor cerebri. I was looking forward to my appointment today, but I was also scared. Scared that what happened would happen. that we wouldnt be any further along then we were before my surgery, and that theres not much hope as far as treatment goes.
Despite this, I will still be thankful today for:
*watching my son play with his great grandparents
* having family around to care for me and my son when we need them
* time for reflection
* being able to cry and feel God’s peace despite my own despair
* and last but not least, having a loving understanding husband
