1-18-2003

Sadly I’ve noticed my tongue is becoming accustomed to the use of not so nice words. I never used to curse at all but lately it’s been bad, not quite sure why but I am driving myself nuts. I dont mean to but its like my filter’s not working. And oddly enough, this is the one negative change in me lately. I’ve been doing so well lately to make sure I get in my bible reading and prayer time, it’s like I’m finally on the right track and my tongue doesnt want to follow suit.

More than likely its got something to do with my hormones, being off the pill and my anti depressants, I’m all off whack. I’ve been brought to tears by radio ads! At night I’ll be nearly asleep and think of something off the wall and burst out laughing and Dean thinks I’m losing it. I told him it feels like my hormones are acting as if I’m pregnant, it’s horrible to be on such a roller coaster of emotions. Today was pretty bad. I lashed out at Dean in front of a houseful of people. Then I laid in bed at balled my eyes out. I felt much better after I got it out of my system but I know this must be hard for dean and I suspect Caleb senses that things aren’t quite right since he’s been very clingy and has developed a habit of calling for mommy now as it always used to be daddy he called for.

Todays enjoyments included

* lots of cuddly baby hugs

*watching my son play with my brother in law and knowing they’ll get to see lots more of each other now that he’s back in town

having a clean house (getting it to that point is a different story)

grocery shopping by myself (so nice to not have to entertain a toddler and try to remember what you wrote on the grocery list that you left at home!)

I think what made today really hard for me was watching my best friend move out of our house to her first real on her own home. She’s been with us for about a year, and lately since she and I arent working we’ve spent a lot of time chatting or watching tv together. In high school I moved out temporarily and lived with her and her mom and brother. We all shared this tiny little two bedroom apartment. I didnt have to be there but I felt more at home there than I did at my house at the time. we used to be so close. Over the years we’ve gone our separate ways but have always been there for each other.

I did my best to offer her help but she never took me up on my offer, and Dean said he tried to see if she needed help and she said no. So we did our own thing tending to the baby and household chores while she, her friend and fiance moved out all her things. I feel horrible about not being more helpful, but its so hard to do much with Caleb and even harder when you dont know what is expected of you. Part of my lashing out today at Dean was because when I got back from my grocery shopping on my own, I unloaded the groceries and had no clue where Dean was and all I knew was was that someone else was watching Caleb and I unloaded groceries alone. All the while in my driveway my best friend was unloading her bed and belongings to be driven off.

Sure it doesnt seem like a big deal but it seemed so real at that moment that we’re in two different worlds now and I fear they will never collide again. I am home bound w/ a toddler and debilitating health condition and she’s setting off to establish her first home with her first long term boyfriend. After writing that I wonder if its jealousy thats plaguing me, but I think more than anything I’m afraid. Afraid for the things that lay ahead for her that she may not be at all prepared for. Its not my place to worry about her that way but she’s like my sister and I want what is best for her. It’s just hard to see her go knowing that this may be the end of our friendship. Lately I think the only thing holding our friendship together was the fact we lived together. We’ve been living our different lives for so long and unfortunately it doesnt seem like we’ve got all that much in common anymore. I long to be back to the simplicity of things. Then again I wouldnt change the way things were for anything. I just wish there was a way I could help her prepare for the things to come, marriage, children, a home to care for. She’s a big girl and she can take care of herself, it’s like wanting to protect your loved ones from getting hurt or making the same mistakes you may have made. Not saying that marriage and children are a mistake, I guess I just wish I could impart to her that importance and help her realize that changes that are going to come. All I can do is stand by and hope she knows that I love her and that I’ll always be here for her, like any sister would be.

One day maybe she’ll be able to look back and know that these last few months with us helped prepare her more than she thought for what a family should be like. I guess thats what it all boils down to. we both came from a rough child hood and I dont want that for her future, I want her to have a wonderful marriage and family. I hope that even with our failures that mabye Dean and my marriage may have shown her that things can be happy and that children are a true blessing. We may not be the perfect couple but I hope that if anything that we can be an outward witness to others of a Godly couple. Sure we all have our faults but I guess my point is that I hope that during the time she spent with us that we may have given her a little hope that there are marriages out there that are successful. Tonight as her room lies empty and dismal I hope that wherever she is that shes happy and safe with her fiance. I miss her already….

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