The #s game

It starts when we are kids.  You play games with friends and there’s always someone who scores more points.  Early on in school, we learn to associate our knowledge level with a grade.  As we age, we either wear our years with pride or wish we were older (or younger).  I remember longing for the day I turned 18, turned out it was just another day in my life.  Eventually, we become defined socially by the amount of money on our paycheck, or lack thereof.   At some point we begin to realize the numbers on the scale say a lot about who we are, or rather reinforces what others have said about us for years.  Our society uses these number games to put people in their place.  If you get good grades you enter an elite group, if you don’t, you join the ranks of another group.  If you earn a certain paycheck you are “better” than someone else making less than you.

As  a girl, I grew up being judged for my looks quite early.  I learned that I could get attention by doing well in school.  Sadly over time that attention from teachers just made me more of an outcast from my peers.  I was bigger than other kids, physically matured before my peers, and was smarter than a lot of my classmates for most of my youth.  All of these things put me in the nerdy, unwanted group of kids.

Unfortunately there are some labels you don’t outgrow.  I admit and wear my geek badge with pride now.  I’m working on outgrowing those unwanted pounds that for years have made me feel unwelcome and unloved by others.  But I find I still thrive to meet the high expectations I set for myself all those years ago when I knew the only way for me to succeed was to do well in school.

I’m now less than a year from graduating college, a few too many years later than I originally planned.  So far I’ve maintained a 3.95 GPA and have fought to maintain it.  I know that number is trivial. It won’t help me get a job or do much but make me feel good about myself.  It’s amazing how a grade can make me feel so deflated, stupid, and incapable. The truth is I’ve overcome many obstacles to get to where I am today.  I will continue to face and over come many more in the months to come.

I think for me the biggest lesson God is teaching me through the college experience is to let go.  It’s a lesson I constantly need to relearn.  I’m no longer the smartest kid in the class, and while it hurts my ego, in the end it doesn’t really matter.  What matters is finishing a dream God put on my heart and discovering the plan He has for me.  Everything else is just icing on the cake.  I know I’ll continue to struggle to accept my grades when they are not what I think they should be, but I think learning to accept the reality that I can’t do it all will eventually win out.

I’m currently going to school, training to run a 5K, raising 3 kids, maintaining our home, regularly volunteering at church, and trying to be a supportive and loving wife.  I can’t give any one of these things my undivided attention, that means I can’t have a spotless house and straight A’s.  It also means I may not always have dinner cooked when Dean gets home, the energy to hang out with friends, or even stay awake long enough to find out how Dean’s day was.  There are seasons of life, and for right now I’m spreading myself thin, as I tend to do.  This may mean letting go of grades or having a dirtier house, but in the end what matters is that I do what God has called me to do.  First and foremost that is to be there for my kids, husband, and friends when they need me.  If I’m discouraged and grouchy because I’m flailing in some part of my life then I can’t be there to give to those around me. So today I quit.  I quit playing the numbers game.  I lay my marriage, my kids, my GPA, the cleanliness of my house, the number on the scale, the amount in the checkbook,and the time I have to exercise at the foot of the throne of God and give Him control because if it’s up to me I’d lose the game every single day.