There is something I miss about going to a smaller church, I laughed about it before Surgery with Dean, but inside it wasn’t really all that funny.  It kind of hurt.  Sitting here all alone thinking things through, I don’t wonder if it’s time to consider making a change in our lives.  I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, being unsatisfied with how things were, with certain qualities and the lack of change. I know things are being done and I know I’ve done all I can do to help in that area, and all I can do is wait at this point.   We’ve been blessed these last few days, to have had a friend from church sit w/ the kids while we were at the hospital. Also our best friends brought us a meal yesterday and are watching the kids today so Dean could go a meeting and so I could continue to rest.   If we were still in Baltimore, our fridge would be packed with meals to last a few weeks, we’d have people here every day helping out, and Dean probably would only have taken one or two days off of work at most just because the schedule would have been covered. It’s unrealistic to play this what if game, I know.  But I know, being part of a smaller community of faith, or even just stronger smaller community of any kind lends itself to those kind of relationships. We’ve been here for 5 years now, and we just don’t have that.  It’s a sad story, especially as we prepare to celebrate our 5th Christmas here.    I know I’m getting stronger already, I’m up and about today more than I was yesterday, which is a miracle considering how I spent the first 3 days in bed only getting up to find the bathroom and crawl back into bed in intense pain.  But I feel a little let down, again.  And this time it’s not by the big guy but it’s by the folks who represent him.   I know we are a needy bunch of folks and I’m a true pain sometimes, but I just don’t get it.   I don’t want sympathy, I don’t even want empathy, I guess I just wish I felt like someone noticed we were struggling, especially once we’ve told them something big like this was coming up.   It’s Christmas I know, I’ll stop being selfish, but once you’ve laid around for a few days wallowing in pain and misery it’s hard to not think about the important things in life and wonder where all the people you thought mattered are when it truly counts.   The kids have been great, Caleb keeps offering to put on a movie or get me a drink.  Bo does the same or asks if I need anything, like a snack. Zeke’s been somewhat out of it, almost as if he’s not concerned. I guess as long as he’s got someone meeting his needs he’s ok and he’d rather not worry about mommy being sick in bed. He’s tried to distance himself from me as much as possible, that’s kind of hurt too.  He is usually my hugger and my cuddler, but he really has stayed away since I’ve gotten home. It’s not like him, but I think it might be because we have said they can’t be too rough and playful around me since it might hurt me.
Dean’s been great at doing everything around the house, doing Scentsy stuff, getting Christmas stuff taken care of , the whole nine yards. I guess 12 years of knowing what I expect around here have paid off! I was pleasantly surprised to see he’s kept up much better this time than in the past as the dishes are kept up with and the house isn’t a complete disaster yet! It helps that we’ve started making the boys more responsible for their own things.   Well that’s more than I an bear as far as sitting with a laptop. It’s been an interesting few days. Total recoop time is 4-6 weeks, 2 days ago I thought I’d never get better, but then today I’m convinced by the end of the week I’ll be as good as new.  I know for me, getting up and getting moving always helps, but I simply couldn’t for those first few days. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt, I’m sure it had to do with how large the two incisions I have are and how close they are to one another and my old incisions.  Today’s panning out to be a better day pain wise, and I’m hoping each day continues to get better.
I just hope in the end my perspective on things gets brighter as well. Having all this time to think about things is not usually a good thing! :-)  Sometimes I just wish life wasn’t so hard, and that home was truly what we dream it was, cause that’s where I want to be for Christmas, and those are the folks I want surrounding me this holiday season.  Yet here I am struggling through yet another mess, feeling alone.   There’s always next year…..
Well I’ve talked with ya about everything at this point. Folks have been offering to help, I just haven’t been taking them up on it, or even mentioning it to you because you’ve been out of it, and I’ve been able to handle things.
I know we’ve got loved ones and our church family offering to help and doing what they can. Mom and Dad and Rachel have offered help as well.
I know what you mean about the smaller community though….but that was a different phase of our lives. We have awesome friends and awesome family….doing what they’re able.