Gotta be more than this….

Sometimes when I can’t seem to figure out what else I’ve got to look forward to, I’m grateful I’ve got this amazing man by my side. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. Been going through a rough 6 months or so, and things don’t seem to be getting any easier. I’ll be getting surgery to have two hernias repaired on Friday Dec. 17th, so will have two incisions. The total recovery time is about 6 weeks, comparable to my hysterectomy recovery. I had to drop my next college course, so at least I’ll be able to finally get Mockingjay read! Once I’m recovered from that the doctors will be looking in to what is causing the real pain, making it nearly impossible for me to move without having extreme back pain, even after being on my normal pain meds and vicodin.   They don’t think this pain is related to the two hernias, unfortunately, but the surgeon said we have to treat the hernias first due to the risk of problems with my stomach if I don’t, and if the back pain is still there than deal with that.   Although, my back pain is worse than the pain from my hernias.   All I know is that after the last few months, I’m really having a hard time having faith in God to provide for the little things, big things and all the things in between when every day is a struggle to just get out of bed and there’s no end in sight.  I’m doing the best I can, we have been for a long time, and I am trying to persist, but I’m got little to look forward to and am quite discouraged for the future.   For now, I’m going to spend the next few days finishing up my final for my last class, then will focus on my kids and getting last bits of Christmas prep done before surgery on Friday.   I’m not sure why these kind of things keep happening to us, but it seems like we keep getting knocked down just to get back up and thrown right back down again by something worse than before.   I am not sure I am ready or willing to keep playing this game.   I am not sure I have a choice.   All I know is for now, I’ve got this amazing guy who’s encouraging me to stick it out and three awesome kids who need me.   I’m not convinced that my faith is going to be a part of any of that for a while, or if it is I’m not sure how to reconcile it.   I’ve been walking this line for months and I know the devil’s been working hard to get me here to this place, and I don’t want him to win, but I feel like I lost this war a long time ago. My body can’t keep this up any more, and my spirit is truly done the fight, at least for now.   I’ve got a few weeks of R&R lined up, would love to have some proof that there’s more to this life than this futile fight just to continue to be in pain every day, emotionally and physically.    Would give anything to just be happy and have even just 5 minutes without pain, maybe a Christmas miracle?  I won’t hold my breath.   I’m grateful for what I do have, a great husband who does more than his share and then some, kids that are realizing they need to do their share and are not grouchy about it, friends that care, a house that we aren’t going to lose (at least not this month), and food in the fridge.   It’s enough for now, and heck I even have a working vacuum finally(it’s only been 6 months or so without a working one!), so things aren’t all that bad!  🙂