I really must say I will miss my doctors, at least a few of them.  My rheumatologist and my PCP are great, they are both younger woman, probably even not much older than myself.  I love them both honestly, as doctors and people.  They are great.  Today I saw my PCP. I was only going to make sure I had new prescriptions with me in case I need refills before I get a new dr so I’d be covered w/ the meds I need.  But..a few days ago I started to have a lump under my arm. It progressively got bigger and more painful.  I was thinking, great another great symptom. I wasnt going to mention it today but it hurt so bad I couldnt not. So of course she says if you werent moving this week I’d have you go see a surgeon at the end of the week to take care of it, it’s an abcess and needs drained, but it’s in a place she wont do it because there’s a nerve closeby that she doesnt want to chance hitting. So….she gave me a prescription for antibiotics but said just so you know this works for most people BUT since I know your history if you get a fever or it gets bigger go to the ER ASAP and tell them you need it drained and they will cut it open and take care of it, but that she hopes the meds works because if I have to get the surgery then I wouldnt be able to do anything w/ my arm for a few days because I’d have an open wound that would need redressed frequently.  geez, and you wonder why I hate to go to doctors!! I mean I may like my doctors but I’m at a point w/ these two doctors that they know me and my history so well that they feel comfortable and wise enough to warn me that I am not normal and that my body probably wont do what it’s supposed to in response to the meds so she wanted to make sure I knew what to do if things get worse and if I was on my way out of town.  I’m glad I’m prepared for the worst but I am so sick of talking to my doctors and hear them saying the word ER or hospital.
the worst part of my visit to the dr today was sitting in the waiting room honestly. I go to an internal medicine office, for those who dont know that means generally most of the patients are elderly.  I used to work in an internal medicine office so believe me I know!  So I sat there, 27, knowing I was on just as many meds as these old ladies if not more.  there was this older woman w/ a walker, being escorted by her son and her personal nurse. she didnt look that ill but I could tell she wasnt “there” I started to wonder when I’ll get to the point that I’ll need someone to take me to the dr.  a few weeks ago when I went to the other dr she asked if I had someone bring me, apparently from how I felt when I talked to her over the phone she thought I shouldnt and wouldnt be driving myself.  I am young, I want to be able to enjoy it.  I dont want to need a nap before 10 am….or be in pain all night and most of the morning…and throughout the day even after taking my crazy amts of meds.  Most of all I dont want to have to depend on others to take care of me.   it’s not a good week for me to have to think about my health but it keeps coming up as I try to finalize my treatment w/ my drs here.  I’m scared of what the future holds for me.  I’ve always wondered if I’d be around when my kids get older, I wondered today if I’d live long enough for my sons to take me to the dr.  I dont want them have to have that burden, yet I hope I’m not alone when that day comes.  It reminded me of how hard this move must be on my mom and I’m glad she’s healthy enough right now that I feel confident that she’ll be ok without us around. it might be hard emotionally but she’s physically healthy enough to be ok. I dont look forward to the day when my kids have to take care of me, and I’m afraid that day might come before too long. I’m afraid that that day will come before my own mom is that sick and old, not that I want her to get that way, I just think a lot of my family will outlive me and it’s scary.  It’s scary when your dr says your body is fighting itself,  one day my body is going to lose that fight. when my dr told me last week that I’m not going to die anytime soon, I knew in the back of my mind that that really means that one day my body will just stop fighting.
i guess until that day comes I’ll enjoy my boys and do my best to take care of them in hopes that they wont feel as burdened when they have to turn around and take care of their sick old mother, or young sick mother….
sorry for the downer.. but it’s a rough emotional week, and facing my illness doesnt make this any easier.  I’m kind of glad we’re moving, I dont want my family to have to sit by and watch me to continue to be sick and maybe even continue get worse or to have to come take care of me. I’d rather have to hire someone to help me than have my family bear the burden of seeing me deal with whatever may be in my future healthwise.
both of my drs are confident that I”m going to a place that’s good medical care wise, that if I was moving to the middle of nowhere Ohio they’d worry, seriously, my dr said that today, but she said I am going someplace that has the technology/resources I’ll need.
well, I need to stop procrastinating….there’s lots of work to do….
