Last week I had a parent-teacher conference with Caleb’s teacher. She’s a first year teacher, and a darn good one at that, so she met w/ every parent at the beginning of the year and wanted to do so at the end of the year. The only negative Caleb had this year was his attendance, the boy got sick, alot. She said she hopes next year he doesnt have to miss as much. I do too.

Yesterday my dr asked me why I had my tonsils removed. In my memory it was due to frequent tonsilitis, I’d get these horrible white things in my throat that made it feel like something was stuck in my throat, and in fact there was, those little white things, whatever they were. (later my mom reminded me it was due to frequent strep as well)I had my tonsils removed when I was in high school, I missed a few weeks of school. I ended up failing a college class, I was an over acheiver, I took college courses while still in high school because it was a speech class and I missed my final speech. by the time I was well enough to give it I forgot I had to and got an incomplete in the class. the plus side to getting my tonsils out, I lost a lot of weight fast…right before I started dating Dean again. In fact I believe he called right before or right after my sugery. but my memory might be off….

during my earlier years in school, while still an overacheiver I know I had problems with frequent stomach problems, so much so I had to get tests done of course they found nothing wrong. I know that despite my health I excelled in school and I know Caleb will too. I just wish they didnt make such a big deal about his absences, he was sick every time. it’s not like we let him just stay home because.

but yesterday when I woke up I felt horrible, the thing in the back of my throat, think it’s called the uvula or something, was very swollen and red. I couldnt talk and every word or cough felt like it was going to explode or something. (watching the season finale of House recently didnt help with my fear of it exploding either) It brought back horrible memories of after my tonsillectomy when after getting home from the hospital I hemorraghed and was coughing up tons of blood in the bathroom sink, my mom called 911 of course only to find out it was normal sometimes after surgery. I think yesterday the dr was wondering why I didnt get aednoids removed, as most kids do when they get their tonsils out, she mentioned I had strep recently, when Caleb did once. So now she’s concerned and I dont want to know what will she’ll want to do if I get it again, so I am hoping I dont! I really dont want to get my aednoids removed but if I ever have to wake up w/ my throat that swollen again, ugh!! i know its happened in the last year and it was just as painful, but then I didnt have 3 kids relying on me, I dont have sick time to rely on or a back up sitter so my being sick affects our family in a big way. But the more I think about it, this being sick as an adult thing shouldnt really suprise me, while I wasnt this unhealthy as a child there were definitely times when I was sick a lot. I was reading somewhere about strep yesterday and it said that kids get just as sick as adults when they get strep but that adults get bitter about and complain more, kids dont complain. I wonder if why I dont remember those frequent bouts of sickness as a child is because as a kid I got over it easier or it didnt bother me as much. or more than likely as a kid you have little or no responsibility, sick meant not having to go to school, that was a good thing to a kid. as an adult being sick for me means I cant take of my kids, thats tough to handle, physically and emotionally. and as often as I get sick now it’s been very emotionally challenging to me, knowing I had children that I feel I cant take care of most of the time on my own. I hope one day I will look back and that I will have forgotten how hard this is on me and my family, and I really hope my kids dont remember mommy as always being sick.

I just want my kids to grow up to be healthy and to enjoy life to it’s fullest, I want to be a good example to them, but it’s hard when I just dont feel good most of the time. I admit I’m trying a lot harder to fight feeling bad, or just ignoring it when I can, but I wonder if they still know, if they can see under the facade, kids are smart like that you know….well it seems I’ve jumped around alot and dont know if this entry makes any sense, but hope it does!! I’m sure you’re forgive me for not making any sense!