I’m tired…oh so tired.   Friday we did the zoo field trip, that really wore me out!  Yesterday we didnt do much, visited my dad’s family for a bit before coming home to hang out with my mom while Dean went to work a side job for a few hours.  If my mom hadnt come over I dont know how I would have made it through the rest of the afternoon.  I wasnt feeling so good at all and dont know how I would have managed without her here.   I fell asleep for a bit when Dean got home then got up to watch some tv with him before we both crashed.   This morning I had to be at church for the first service, so had to be there by 9.  Zeke woke me up around 6:30 so I stayed up, bathed and dressed him then got Caleb dressed once he was up and got myself ready to go before waking up Dean and Getting Bo up and ready.   by the time I helped out in nursery, sat through the church service after that, and got home I was done.  I started to help Dean get lunch ready but told him I just couldnt pretend anymore and went to lay on the sofa, I was out almost immediately after closing my eyes!   when I woke up lunch was over, bo was down for nap and Dean and caleb were hanging out.  I made myself lunch and fed Zeke then fell back to sleep.   I am just too tired to function sometimes.  it really sucks.  it’s a beautiful day outside and I can barely make myself get up and force myself to eat something.  I’m not depressed really, just frustrated that I cant live life how I used to.   I want to be able to continue to be superwoman, that’s what Dean used to say when I’d have the house cleaned, the laundry done, and the kids contented when he’d get home.  these days I am lucky to get one of those things done or if I do I am usually doing it while in pain or forcing my eyes to stay open during extreme fatigue.

a week or so ago I forced myself to scrub the kitchen floor because it needed done and I knew Dean wouldnt do it but it was after a day of extreme pain and feeling crappy.  afterward Dean said he just didnt understand why I’d allow myself to suffer just for a clean floor.  to me it’s easier to be doing and being miserable then just laying around wallowing in my pain and misery.   today though I’m too tired to “do” anything.   yesterday I heard him telling his dad I was doing fine, he said this because I had been up doing chores and tending to the kids all morning.  I laughed and said no you are wrong, I feel horrible.   Dean cant see how I feel most times becuase I dont let him, because I try so hard to keep up that I can keep doing things because I want so hard for it be true.  but he also cant tell how I”m really doing because he cant feel how I feel.  unless I say to him, I hurt, or I’m having trouble moving things or walking because my legs or arms are weak  then he just doesnt know.  I dont tell him becuase I dont want to constantly complain, because I save my complaints for here, where I dont expect a reply, where it doesnt matter.    I dont want my kids to know how weak I really am these days, but I also know that when I tell caleb I cant go to the park today becuase I am sick and he looks at me and I look fine that he will never understand either.   I’m just rambling now, I think I’m going to force myself to try to get something done today….I’m hoping after all this rest I’m able to enjoy some time at the park with the family this evening….I hope at least…