Dean’s brother, the one who

Dean’s brother, the one who was Caleb sitting went to Ohio last week and came back yesterday. Today Dean’s parents were leaving to go back to Ohio and took my brother in law with them. I was the only one working today, albeit a half day, but I was the only one out of the mix of knowing this was going on. So since my brother was coming to visit today when I got home from work I kept calling Dean to make sure the house was staying clean enough and I happened to ask who was home and he told me and when I asked where his brother was he told me he went to Ohio!! I was very upset seeing as we were already on our back up babysitter plan as is. So I was upsest and talked to a girl at work, okay she is old enough to be my mom, but I dont know how to refer to her other than as coworker. She and I get along very well and often share a lot of communication and family , life, and religion during the day so I knew I could turn to her for guidance. Unfortunately all she could offer was do what you have to and reminded me how she didnt work until her kids were in middle school and then only because she felt she had to. So right before I was scheduled to leave I went in to talk with my boss and told her the situation. I was waiting for a call back from the girl who watched him last week but I already knew she’d said she could only do 2-3 mornings a week which doesnt help when I am scheduled 8-1:00 everyday. I was hoping to get her to watch him tomorrow but looks like she cant, but can Wed. and Fri. So tomorrow I think I will be giving my two weeks notice. All because I cant find daycare. We have tried to find someone but no one is available or Caleb has to be 2 to be in certain daycares. There arent even any at home moms available to watch him. So my boss basically told me she was finding someone to replace my hours but that she’d try to keep me on the schedule even if its just to come in every now and then to do filing because she’d rather not lose me. But that she cant keep relying on me and that I need to make a decision whether I truly want to keep working or not. And on that issue I am still torn. I like getting out a few hours a day and doing something I am good at. It’s good for me, but then again when I come home and see all the new things Caleb is doing, even in the few hours I am gone every week, it’s hard. That and we have no one reliable to watch him on a daily basis.

The bigger issue for me today was that there was a family meeting about my brother in law leaving again and it was decided he would go back to Ohio but no one even cared to worry about finding a replacement babysitter for him when he did. It was just all matter of fact when I was told that he was gone and he doesnt know when he’ll be back and to that I must say I dont know if he’s even welcome to come back in that case. We’ve had nothing but trouble with him, and I am trying very had to be tolerant, especially since he has been so helpful around the house and with the baby but I can afford to keep supporting someone else especially when I am having to quit my job because of that person’s irresponsibility. Theres a lot more going on with this situation and as most things are, too detailed to explain but point is, a major decision was made today by my husband and his family and due to that decision I am now forced to decide what to do about my job. A job I like and a job I need.

I am going to pray very hard for the strength and courage to talk with my boss and not cry tomorrow and I know she will be supportive as she has been but the fact is I am not ready to make another major change in my life especially after deciding to delve back into the work force which took great effort and thought on my part. I fought tooth and nail to make myself do it and when I did I struggled even then. Then things were going smoothly then we were having to switch to having my brother in law watch Caleb which was hard for me since he has no child care experience, but he was here and available. And Calebs such a good baby I knew he’d be able to handle him, unless of course he is still hungover and getting home at 6 in the morning that day, which was a main problem we were having. So things went well then not so well then very badly and then I cut my hours which seemed to help everyone but now things are a lot worse and now we have no childcare. So even though it seemed when I got the job that it was truly heavensent, things just worked out so well that I thought for sure it was an answer to my prayer to whether or not I should return to working. So I did it. Now as I deal with having doubts about working I lose my child care provider and find out I have to have surgery in a month and be out of work for 10 days then. So some are saying that should be my sign that I should not work anymore but I know that we shouldnt need signs, we should know what we are to do, I mean arent we supposed to be able to hear God talking and not always through what seem to be disasters in our life?

Tough times call for tough measures…..but right now I am not sure if I can step off the plate and do what needs done. I mean I hit the bat and got this far even ran to first base and got there just in time. Along the way I had to avoid getting tagged yet as I slid into base I knew I was doing things just right. Then I think I can steal a base and tag, you’re out!! Guess I can always do better next time up to bat…..but what if I never get the chance to be in the starting line up now……what if ………………it’s a game I’ll never win, but I will always try to do my best.