This is my first official Thursday off of my new schedule, from now on I will always be off on Thursdays. This is good because starting next week I have to go get an ultrasound every week at the hospital which is quite a little drive from our house. But this week I probably could have worked, except for my back hurting so badly. So I have no plans today, and usually I always have something to do. I actually I am sitting in front of the puter and I rarely do that even. I am tempted to open our pack and play and assemble it, I mean it does fold right back up and has a convenient carrying case, but I just want to see it and see how it folds up, how easily it does, and hopefully it is easy. So maybe I’ll tackle that later.
I was reading Dean’s blog today, and I hate reading how he feels on a puter screen, especially if he hasnt mentioned those feelings to me yet. And it got me thinking about Baltimore, which is strange because I was just about to call my grandparents and they live there. But it is strange because it’s been a long time since I got upset about not being there. I was almost upset about missing Joe’s wedding and I was upset about misisng Stacey’s graduation but I guess I really had told myself it was because of the baby that we weren’t going, not necessarily because we were so far away, but if I werent pregnant the drive wouldnt have been a problem. I’ve driven it several times by myself and Dean would have gone with me so we could have split up the hour drive. So I guess I just rationalized things differently than Dean did. I have gotten to the point that I am being really selfish lately, but I think going 10 hours away right now with my health being so unstable most of the time would be a bad idea. I would have loved to be sitting on the beach this week with Dean’s family but who knows if by the time we got there if I’d feel up to much of anything.
My biggest concern about being so far away from my family is that the baby wont know my family very well but maybe by the time our child is older we will be more financially able to visit or even move a little closer so it’s not such a long trip to visit. But I think there is way too much here to leave that at this point we would probably be miserable leaving here too, then we would be sitting in Baltimore wishing we were back here. But I honestly have gotten over this and I suprised myself that I didnt let it get to me more with so much going on back home that I am missing out on right now. I guess I just have forgiven myself for chosing to come here when there was so much I left behind in Baltimore, but I know that this is where we need to be, at least for right now. Kiddo wont know the difference for a few years anyway, and he will have grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles here so it wont be like he wont have any family. But deep down I would love to be home and being able to take the baby to visit all of our relatives, but at least I have an excuse to want to go visit now! Sometimes it gets to big such a big deal when we go to visit that it makes us almost not want to go but I think with the baby it will be nice because everyone will give the baby attention instead of focusing on us so much. Well that is how I feel about moving back, maybe in a few years, but I guess by then I will care even less, well maybe. My thought is maybe if I dont go back to work full time, I could drive home more often and visit my family, well I guess I could still go visit more often and take the time off of work. I am already trying to figure out how soon after I have the baby that I can make the trip, but then I have to think about how much more difficult it will be to make the trip because I have to lug all the baby stuff and stop to change diapers all of the time. We’ll see……..
