As I dropped my son off to daycare on Thursday morning I told him over and over again how much I love him and that no matter what happened that day that Daddy would come pick him up. Why was I so emotional you ask? On Tuesday morning I called mydoctors office to describe some symptoms I was having and was told I needed to come in right away. So I went to work first to tell them what was going on, since I was already in jeopardy of getting fired for missing days. Then I headed to my doctors office where I was told I in week 3 of an ear infection which for some reason isnt reacting to antibiotics and that I need to go to the opthamologists ASAP. So I called the opth. and got the first avail appt for Wednesday, for 2:00. Which meant more time off of work, not good. So I went to work, my schedule is 11-8 (for now, hopefully getting a better shift on Dec. 2nd) so I worked til 1:25 then walked to the hospital for my doctors appt. Spent several hours there getting tested and being told I have papilledema and that I had to get a STAT cat scan to rule out a brain tumor. So since it was now around 4:30 on Wednesday they scheduled my Cat Scan for Thursday morning before I had to be at work.
I went and luckily didnt miss any more time from work that day, but the waiting for results while I handled other people’s health concerns at work all day drove me mad. I went home that night and was in bed very early and didnt want to get out of bed on Friday. But I did. I went to work, thanks to Suz watching Caleb since our sitter had a death in the family. I got my lunch break at 4 and I still hadnt gotten a call w/ my test results so I called the dr and was told my test results were normal, which is what they expected to happen. Next step is to get a spinal tap to pressure the excess fluid and pressure in my brain and possibly due another Cat Scan or a MRI. pending those results I will see a neurologists or maybe even have to go to the hospital for treatment pending how bad it is.
What does this mean? That the symptoms that I have been having off and on for years now are not my imagination. That there is truly something wrong that needs treated, something serious. Its gotten worse lately, I dont know if because I know what symptoms to look for and can tell, or just because it’s getting worse. I fell asleep driving the other day to pick up Dean from work, I always fall asleep anymore as soon as we get in the car to go somewhere. I am always so tired. I am sure the stress from this and possibly lossing my job cause I’ve been sick and needed to go to the dr doesnt help either.
Yesterday at 3 I had a meeting with my boss who made me sign my last written warning for absences. If I miss again I am gone. If I miss again we have no health insurance to cover my illness. But my next appointment is on Tuesday morning before work, but pending what the doctor says I may not go to work that day, I dont know how quickly the testing process goes now. I mean I know that with this you have to get the first Cat Scan quickly in case you have a tumor but I dont know if they generally wait to do a spinal tap or if it’s also an urgent thing. I think the drs were trying not to worry me and therefore told me little other than that these are the possible causes of your symptoms and this is how we are going to rule those causes out. I tried to find out about filing short term disability but they said I cant until I miss at least 7 days consecutively for an illness, missing here and there doesnt count. But the whole point I missed here and there was so I wouldnt get fired, so despite how bad I felt I did my best to go to work. I mean after that appt where they said you need a STAT cat scan, what did I do? I went to work for another couple of hours because they needed me.
Dean’s been great about all of this. He’s been super dad and hubby and housewife, I mean househubby! He’s been cooking more and better than I am! My mom is in worry mode, I am too, but considering everything I am doing pretty well. It helps to know that I am not imagining how I feel and that there is a reason for it. With treatment I hope to not have more problems with my eyes, but I am so scared that they may have to do surgery or that I’ll be on treatment for the rest of my life. I am only 23. I shouldnt be sick. I shouldnt need to take pills for the rest of my life. This sucks. I know that there are a lot of people out there younger than me who have serious conditions that mean lifelong treatment, but I know I am not strong enough emotionally to handle that thought for myself. I hate to think what this means for my son. I hate to think this may put off my having more children because of the meds I will be on. I just plain hate this. This waiting things out to see what comes next meanwhile trying to keep up house and home when I barely have enough energy to get up out of bed! Dont want you to feel sorry for me, I knew that I had to share sooner or later, and since Dean’s busy playing and Caleb’s napping and I am alone in thought, that it mine as well be now. I thought Dean didnt understand what was going on, but he put it well in his own words, better than I could have. I’ve tried not to talk about my condition and the possibilities because then I’d have to face it. Face the what ifs and whens. Might be quiet around here for a while, but Dean will always post updates. I’ll try to keep up, but like I said, this is hard for me right now. Trying to cope with this and other life issues puts a damper on your desire to socialize or even just open up in written word. Keep us in your prayers.
