I’ve had so many posts floating around in this mind of mine and yet they are still there, taking up space and trapping my useful brain matter. Perhaps if I unload them I’ll be better able to focus, but I doubt it.
Been reminiscing these last few weeks as I’ve had time to deal with the emotions of having visited with family and overcome some tough things, again. Having my baby reach the milestone of age 5, which means he’ll be heading to kindergarten in the fall also stirs up many a memory and invokes feelings I don’t want to face.
In a couple of months I’ll be outsourced, the public school system will fully take over my 9-5, ok, my 8-2:30 position. What do I do with that time? Initially I was to start college myself, having already done so I feel like I can handle more than just college now. I’m been doing this for a while now and feel like I can do more than this, especially once Zeke is in school all day freeing up almost my whole day. Do I get a job? Do I become a true full time volunteer? Do I pick up extra college courses? Do I pick up an internship? Does it even matter because we all now how quickly in my life, months, let alone days or weeks can change everything and time I’m counting on now may not even matter come September.
I’m tired. I’m bored. I want to contribute in a bigger way than I am now. I’m discontent. There’s got to be more than this. Truly. Dean says I’m already doing too much. Heck everyone keeps telling me that. I feel like I’m not doing anything, and like if I don’t do something soon I’m going to burst. I hate feeling like I’m on the edge of something big, standing on the edge of the diving board and all that I need to do is dive off, but I can’t see what’s underneath me. There’s got to be someplace/someone/something that needs my talent/skills and is just waiting for me to be free to help them, just waiting for the door to open and for me to see when to walk through it. For now though, I hate standing behind closed doors in a room with no windows.
