This week I started week 1 of Marketing. I love going to school. I love learning. I don’t know what, if anything I’ll actually use my degree for when I finish college. I am a student by nature but as life gets difficult I wonder why I am even going to college.
I haven’t worked a full time job since I was pregnant with Caleb in 2001. I stopped working shortly before he was born because I was unable to work due to health problems. I never went to work afterword because we moved right away due to Dean’s job transfer. When Caleb was almost 2 I went to work because Dean got laid off and we decided I’d try to find a job while he looked for one. We both worked for a while, but I got fired when I lost too much time off of work for doctors appointments when I got diagnosed with pseudotumor cerebri and the doctors were having me rush to get MRI’s, eye exams and wanted me to see specialists to rule out anything major. I never went back to work full time other than providing in home childcare because I was never healthy enough again. Surgery and meds fixed the tumor problem but a bout w/ meningitis brought the problem back and later on I developed more problems, more than likely resultant as of the meningitis or autoimmune issues in the family. Either way, the likelihood of me ever working full time are in God’s hands, and as of now I know it’s not possible.
As I look at my near future, my best friend is due to have a baby and my dad is having double by pass surgery all within weeks of each other, both within miles of each other, in Maryland, 500 miles away from me. It’s hard for me to focus on college and the fact that I don’t really need a degree when I may never be able to work full time thus never need a degree. My heart longs to be in Maryland with those I love and want to be supporting right now. My bank account says we don’t have money to put gas in the cars or food in the fridge til Friday, let alone go out of town. We know God provides and we know I will probably use our tax money to go to visit my family and friends in Maryland soon, the waiting and planning and staying focused on the here and now is the difficult part.
Sometimes I wonder when I’ll realize what I’ll do when I grow up, sometimes I wonder what will happen when I realize my kids are all in college and I’m still sitting around doing nothing with my life. There’s so much I want to do, and I’m sick of the physical limitations that I’ve been plagued with for so long, and not seeing an end in sight. I’m grateful for each new day and the chance to try again, and I try each day to do more than I did the day before. Sometimes I succeed, some days I fail miserably. Today I’m focusing on family, friends, and overcoming a mountain of laundry. If that’s not the here and now, I don’t know what else is!
