Sometimes I amazed at my life, how I think about where I am and how I always said I never wanted to be doing things I am doing right now. Other times I know I am doing exactly what I’ve always wanted to be doing.  For example, for a long time I said I didn’t want to push our beliefs on our kids. I still feel like I am not trying to force any of it on them.  They are still at the age where they have to go with us to church because they are too young to have any other choice. I imagine when they get old enough to chose I will let them.  I believe that’s part of the free will God gave us. I also know that if we’ve done our part as Godly examples and parents, they’ll have had time to see what this God thing is about and have had time to make a decision for themselves. I am okay with them wanting to seek that out on their own. I also fully expect one they hit their college days or high 
school(or with Caleb probably middle school!), for them to rebel and do what most kids who grew up in religion do in that respect.  I don’t look forward to that, but I know what to expect when it happens, where most parents I think forget that that happens. I think it’s funny that we forget to think about the fact we were once that age. When I see my kids doing something and I don’t understand it I try to remember what I did at that age, or what I would have done at that age or would do if I can’t remember and it’s a lot easier to cope with it at as parent if we stop looking at things through our expectations and instead through the eyes of what our kids see and then try to be there based on what their needs are at that time.  But that’s a different topic altogether.
My point was, I never wanted to be the parent that I am today. The one that yesterday, while walking through Winton Woods and my child was afraid of a sound and afraid of absolutely irrational things(he gets this from his mother unfortunately, which helps me manage it better, if I could only give myself as good talk downs from the fears as I do him I’d be fine!), said what I did. At this point we were halfway through a .4 mile trail along what should have been a small river bed, but it had dried up due to the drought we’re in.  What he perceived, in this amazing part of the woods, as we stood looking up at a man-made waterfall where no water was currently flowing, was fear.  It was a vast empty space, and the fact there was no water was eerie and even frightening to a child.  This place should have been flowing with water and animal life.  Instead it was now a dried up river bed, and there was scarcely a sound of a faint bird call now and then.   Every where he looked he had been looking for life.  The kids were anxious and excited and looking for life.  They wanted to see animals.  They wanted to find new things.  They felt let down.
I didn’t understand.  Everywhere I looked I was amazed.  I kept taking pictures. I kept stopped to take it all in. I kept telling to them to stop and look at this. Look here, and explaining to them the differences in colors and what it meant. Telling them why this plant was growing and why another was no longer. Trying to draw out of them reasons why taller trees were still thriving and ones on the ground that were covered from the canopy of the tall trees that hid the sun weren’t thriving as much.  I was so excited by all that I was seeing.  I stopped everytime I heard a sound anxious to find out what it meant. It was like they were looking for something, but weren’t willing to slow down to find out.  I quickly got frustrated with them for not slowing down with me.  When we got to that dried up water bed, we were on a path that had a fence that would have ideally been there to keep you from falling into the water when the river was lively and full of water.
It was somewhat depressing to me that it wasn’t. That it was so dr
y and empty, but I also knew that that left us new opporunities to see things we wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Despite my fearful 5 year old’s protest, we dragged him, quite literally to investigate what at the time we could not tell what it was other than a rock formation on the other side of the river bed. As we figured out how to get to it, I told them what it might be.  This is where I realized I was losing my mind.
I told them to me it almost reminded me of a temple.  I went on to tell them how I was learning about the early church and what a temple was.  What people did at a temple.  How they would meet God there.  Not that the formation was that large, but it held the same structure to me of what to me looked like something familiar to what would be used to place offerings in.  Perhaps maybe not a temple, maybe a better word was altar but I didn’t think the kids would understand.
It was as I stood at the foot of that man-made waterfall and realized why I had come to that conclusion, why to me I thought of God and sacrifice when I saw it.  All along the walk and the day, I’d been looking for God.  I’ve been struggling, to say the least of things!  I need guidance for what’s next in my life.  I had dedicated this day to my kids, but I also find that time spent with my kids makes it so easy to find ways to communicate with God.  I had had ample time on the walk to offer up prayers of thanks.  To be amazed at God for his creations. To be amazed at God for giving me these three awesome kids.  Each with their own gifts and abilities.   Each one unique, and grateful that he gave me enough love for each one of them.  He gave me the time and energy and the ability to have that day and many others just like to spend with them doing things like going on walks on trails instead of being cooped up in an office all day while they had to go do daycare someplace. My God knew my hearts desires and He provides for us.  While it may be hard and we have sacrifices to make, in the end there are times when He gives us these moments to reflect on how good we have it.  I stood there in His presence, at this altar, laying down my life again, laying down my desires, surrendering it all for what’s he’s calling me to next. It will be hard, it may not be what I had planned, but it will be what God has willed for my life and for my family.   And because God is preparing the way.  Just like he gifted each of my kids uniquely, he has me as well.
My four year old prays so many times a day it’s unreal. Of his own motivation, prompting, and words.  I will often not realize he’s even doing it until I hear him mumble “Amen.” the boy’s faith amazes me. Where he’s learned it is beyond me.  He’s going to be a mountain mover.  I imagine God’s got big plans for him.  I’ve started encouraging him now that I’ve picked up on what I’m seeing him doing.  Praying with him, hoping it will strengthen his prayer life as well as give him more words to use in his prayers.  Also, to let him know I’m proud of him for his faith. to let him know God is proud of him for his faithfulness. BTW, is it no small coincidence that this child’s given name is Ezekiel, perhaps not.  Names are important, I think we often forget that in this day and age.
But yesterday, as my 5 year old, Boaz, told me that he was afraid. That this dried up water bed, creaking trees blowing in the wind, and the ominous gray clouds overhead and nearing sunset were causing him to want to leave as soon as possible. I got down and looking him the eyes and wanted him to feel what I felt. I saw his fear.  I realized maybe it was an acceptable reaction to what I too was feeling, but it was a normal feeling for me.  
I felt the presence of God in that place.  It was then that I knew I had to tell him. I had to let the kids in on something I had never shared with them.  I pray with them.  We talk about God. We sing worship songs together all of the time; at home, in the car, wherever we are really!  (we like music and for me and the kids at least I only listen to Christian radio with them.)  But, I’ve never really told them about truth about some of the things I’ve shared with them. I’ve told them how recently when I was out back, leaving out that I was in a deep prayer time with God, a huge owl swooped by my head, at which time I heard an answer to something I was praying about. I told the kids about the owl, but not about how it was a God moment.  I also told them about the Hawk on the deck last week, same kind of situation.   At dinner this week I was telling Dean about how our back yard one day was covered in black crows, this time I think I did mention how I was trying to get a picture of it on the camera because I couldn’t believe it.  As soon as I tried to preserve the event, it went away.  It wasn’t something God needed anyone else to see, it was his message for me. I was telling Dean, but the kids were present, I felt that that day the birds, a complete yard full of black crows (and our back yard is quite large) as God told me the scripture, “Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?” (Matt. 6:26)
I’d never really talked to them about feeling the presence of God or hearing from God. Yesterday I looked in Bo’s eyes and told him as I stood there with him in that great big space, as I heard the same noises he did, and saw the same things he did, and he felt afraid, I felt wonderful. I felt like God was there.  I said I think what you are feeling while it may be scary, it is because God is here right now with us.  He is on this walk with us.  Unfortunately, this only further freaked out my five year old and angered my 9 year old!  I think Zeke was stoked, but that’s Zeke!  You should hear him talk about the power of Jesus.  Seriously that boys onto something! But anyway…..
It’s something I’ll need to work on. I think I’ve decided it’s time to take things up a notch in our family, we’ve got to start praying and reading together.  I think instead of me being the one to always share my God moments, I want my family to feel God’s presence too. I think maybe Zeke is so in tune with God right now because he’s there with me sometimes when I’m prayer.  He’s home when I’m worshiping all morning, and worshiping with him.  If I turn the music off for some reason, he’s been known to tell me to turn it back on! He’s walked out back to my prayer spot, and was even present and saw the crows. I want to share this with all of my children, and my husband.  This is not how I felt 5 years ago.  While I want my family to be able to decide their faith for themselves, I also can’t imagine them not knowing how it feels to talk to God every day. To know what it’s like to have him show up in your life in ways you’ve never imagined.
The only thing I don’t want for them, is the struggles that come with this journey.   It’s not easy.  For as amazing the blessing are, the burdens and trials are as equally painful.   There’s a price for our faithfulness.   The devil is not happy when your best friend is the creator of the universe. He won’t stand by and watch you move mountains without throwing things your way.  I wish there was a way to have it both ways.  I don’t know how to balance the two, to share this with my family and keep them safe from the tough times.  Heck I wish I knew how to do that for myself.  Until I figure that out, I am just going to do the best I can, as a parent and a Christian.
As a parent it’s our job to teach our kids. I have always felt it’s important to take opportunity to use as many things as I can and turn them into teaching moments. Earlier in our trip to Winton Woods we had been searching through acorns under a tree near the playground and an older couple came up to us and the man was questioning me about what we were doing. He said he had heard me talking to them about the acorns. I told him how I was asking them about why the acorns were separate from their tops and why they thought this was so in an attempt to get them to think about it, and then to try to find some that were still together. The man then looked at the ground quizzically and looked himself.  He looked at me and said, I’ve never thought about that. I said well after we only found ones with bottoms I thought we’d investigate, we’ll probably look it up online later to find the truth. He kept looking at me funny and said, “you’re a good mom.”  I was taken back.  I thought it was an odd comment since I didn’t feel I was doing anything “good.”  I told him I try to look for teaching moments with my children, and he said I’m to old to learn anything new.  I laughed and said you’re never too old.  I said you can go home and look it up online or in a book too you know. He again looked puzzled. He said no, I’m too old for learning anything new.  It was like he’d given up on learning. In my eyes he wasn’t even that old, maybe in his 60s.  I told him I’m going to back to college just now, and I hope to never be too old to learn.  I encouraged him to keep learning. I want to encourage you to too! It’s never too late to learn anything, whether it’s about acorns, knitting, poker, prayer, the bible, feeling God’s presence or speaking in tongues. 🙂
I think yesterday I learned that it’s okay to teach my kids about my faith, and it seems even if I’m not pushing it on them, they may even get some of it naturally, like Zeke.  I also think I need to keep looking for more teachable moments when my kids say they are afraid to think about if their fear could really be something that is a good feeling that they just aren’t normal for them to have experienced yet, like being in the presence of the Almighty.   Because I am sure the first time I felt the presence of God, and I admit still when He shows up, sometimes His presence is overwhelming! But that’s because He’s a big, awesome God who is there to make himself known and if we can’t recognize He’s there we’re never going to be able to communicate with Him or even notice him in the ways He shows up when He does so in more subtle ways.
Don’t let the fear you feel walking in the valley stop you from feeling the presence of God of your life! Instead, because of the fear you feel, acknowledge and accept the presence of God in your life and let go of the irrational fears.
Think I fixed this Karen!! Anyone should be able to comment now!!