Looks like this SAHM thing is not going to last much longer. We can’t afford for me to stay at home anymore. We tried it and now at the point of poverty we are scared of what happens if I dont get a job soon. I love being home and I know it’s going to be hard, but if I have to then I guess I have to. I dont know how we’ll afford or find daycare. The worst thing is not knowing if I can even get a job. I have sent my resume out several times over the last few weeks and gotten no calls at all. I really should find good child care before finding a job, I mean the whole reason I started staying at home was because we didnt have good childcare in the first place. But, we just made the decision today, that either I work or Dean gets a second job, but then we’d never see each other, and things are rough enough as is. So it’s hard knowing that I have to find daycare and a job asap but it’s a Saturday so there’s not much I can do right now.
As of last night, it looked like our weekend was going to be a good one. We had a great time at the Balloon Festival. I got a great 6 hours straight of sleep, Caleb only woke once and Dean got up with him. Then I got up early with Caleb so Dean could sleep in; Dean usually gets up and watches cartoons with Dean. So I fed Caleb and he ate some Cheerios while I made some homemade cinnamon rolls, mmmm! I liked them, but Dean didnt for some reason, and he was the whole reason I made them. Oh well. Then we went to Lowes to get some stuff and were going to stop at the market since we were out of baby food. Needless to say the day took a turn for the worst, we had some car trouble, I wont explain cause it was all Dean’s fault and he knows it. But we got stuck at the grocery store and Dean’s granddad had to come save us. The whole car thing made me very mad at Dean, and my response was very not nice so he was mad at me. When we got home, I spent time w/ Caleb and some time cleaning house while Dean worked on a project outside. The tension got worse, finally we talked long enough for me to ask for Dean to do the check book, since he doesnt like me to anymore. He comes out mad that we dont have money. I got mad knowing he knows its all my fault we dont have money since I dont work. I stormed off, we argued, all about money mostly. After we calmed down we discussed it, and the decision about one of us getting another job was the result. Nonetheless now things seem ok between us. We both know we are stuck under a bunch of bill that keep getting more and more behind and both feel responsible for it. At that same time, I feel worse knowing that I cant give my son the care he deserves if I have to return to work. ARGH! I hate this. I just wish we could go back to the simple days, but then we’d be without our wonderful son, and in a horrible apartment. But stilll….at least back then we had money……
Hell of a mothers day weekend huh? Right now I feel like the worst mom and wife in the world….. and I doubt the feeling will ever go away……
