Well, Caleb was fine on

Well, Caleb was fine on our trip downtown, and despite my fear that my pay check would be in the mail and not waiting for me to pick up, it was there, and it was for a little more than I’d thought it would be. We went to our favorite chinese restaurant for lunch with Dean today too! Then I went shopping! With my new hair cut and current weight loss I have had the hardest time finding anything to wear in my closet. Half of my clothes are too big, the othe half are either just a tad too small still, in my hips of course, or just look dreadful with new red hair. Or so I think. So I attempted clothes shopping with Caleb – the end result was my charging way too much money for clothes that I am sure I dont need. I am sure once we find my box of winter clothes and the ones I packed up when I got depressed about not fitting into my clothes a few months ago, I am sure my wardrobe will be just adequate enough. I think the need to shop today was pure selfishness. I feel so bad for even thinking about spending money on myself now that I am sititng staring at a bag of clothes I will no doubt return tomorrow out of pure guilt – cause let me remind myself, I am now unemployed, the money that I ussually use to pay off my charge card is no longer, I guess I’d rather not remember that. I mean of course Dean still has money, but it wouldnt be right for me to go rack up my charge card just so I can feel better about how I look, especially if I have no income coming in. I was just going to return the clothes and not mention my guilty little shopping trip to Dean but then I felt so overcome with guilt as I drove home with a bag of stylish clothes filling the empty seat next to me that I immediately told Dean and begged for forgiveness, all while forgetting that heck the charge card is in my name not his, so it’s really my debt not his right? Oh well, I went from being thrilled to have some nice clothes that actually fit to being so guilt ridden that I almost drove right back to the store to return them all had not Caleb reminded me it was already past time for his next feeding. So instead I sat down and made myself even more depressed about the fact that not only do I not have the clothes I so desire, but I dont even have an income any more to begin to build a new wardrobe with. This whole postpartum stuff stinks! One day I feel absolutely thin and am so glad that I actually fit into shorts that didnt fit me before I was pregnant, then I feel like I am still so fat and I even feel like I am getting fatter instead of thinner. All the while I do weigh less now than I did before I was pregnant, and yes those shorts do fit, but the down side is now that I am not breasfeeding some of those old shirts fit too, and I was enjoying my blossoming figure…oh well, I mean I know looks arent everything but having had weight issues before I was pregnant I am determined to keep off the weight I have lost as a result of a very sickly pregnancy and am hoping to lose even more weight, but until then I have to figure out what to wear in the mean time. Maybe I’ll just stick with continue to wear my oversized maternity clothes for now, I mean it has only been three weeks…argh! I guess it’s just easier to worry about my weight than about the upcoming move…