I really intended to write yesterday, I dont know what happened to my day! Caleb was only awake for a few hours, but it always seems like forever when I am trying to get things done. I made dinner last night for the first time in a while, or so it felt. It wasnt anything grand, but it felt good to be back in the kitchen again. I really do enjoy cooking and baking, but I doubt it will be a while before I can really do much of it again.
Out of all of the cool things Caleb has, I think the one that works the best for us so far is his bouncer chair. Not only does he not mind sitting in it, but it looks so cute too! Plus it is light enough to tote up or downstairs, though I dont think it was a swell idea to do so with Caleb in it, but that we Dean’s doing not mine. And the funny thing about it is it is probably the cheapest thing we have to entertain, it cost about $25, now the expensive swing chair w/ mobile gets some use too but Caleb usually fusses a little and Dean picks him up. But I love using the swing when I have to get a shower, I feel kind of guilty though, I knowingly put Caleb in it so he will fall asleep so I can get a shower. In my mind that has to be some form of neglect, but what else I am supposed to do with him while I bathe?
In other news, the move is moving along swiftly. Dean has packed up a lot, and did some much needed sorting and throwing away of unneccessaries. We actually have a uhual truck rented now, which makes me feel much better. We just need to call about a storage unit in Balto for when we get all of our junk there. Then once we are there comes the most difficult part, finding a place to live and dealing with Dean’s new job. All of which I am sure Dean will bear most of the burden for, but I think I will have a hard enough time getting Caleb acclimated again to his new surroundings, and then again when we move into our more permanent place.
Dean sent out a farewell email to everyone he could find an email addy for, and slowly we are getting replies. I feel bad because I really havent told anyone anything about moving, unless it comes up. I just cant imagine that in a week we will be on our way to Balto and this time for good. It’s not just another visit with the relatives, it’s a life change to say the least. I dont want to face people because they always ask how I feel about it, and I cant say. Since we found out there was the oppty to go back I havent let myself get too into the idea, even now with the house filled with all the packing stuff, I still dont think it is real. I dont quite know how I feel. I know that this is a great thing for Dean, career wise, heck I’d love to say that I work at the Senate building! And I know that this may be the oppty I needed to be able to afford to stay at home with Caleb , but then again it may mean I have to work even harder, who knows how that will all work out. All I know is that I now have no job to go back to at the end of my eight week recovery. That saddens me a great deal. For all the complaining I did about not wanting to work, it was mostly because I physically didnt feel up to it. I miss work actually. I liked my job and I think it was something I could do for a while, and thats the first time I can say that about a job. I get bored easily with things but there was just enough change and challenge to make it interesting for me. And the possibilty of being able to have work pay for me to go to school was great, and I was seriously thinking about it since Caleb is here to support, it would be great if I could have a degree in something. I am still considering going back to school when we go to Balto, I mean if I dont have to work, I would love to go back to school. But I doubt we could afford it, and I am only one payment for paying off all of my old school loans, so why get myself more loans to deal with? But I think it would be good for me.
So I dont really know how I feel about moving. I am SO happy, and I cant describe how thrilled I am , that we are getting the chance for everyone to meet Caleb. But that is really all I wanted. I had said before I go back to work I would love to go back to Balto to show off Caleb to family. And now not only do I get that chance but he can visit them as often as he wants, until I go back to work or do whatever it is I end up doing with myself. So that is great. But I dont know if I could settle for just being a stay at home mom with nothing to do everyday but take care of Caleb and watch my soaps! Like I said I like work and I love going to school, and yes I love being home with Caleb, but I feel like I should be doing something else. I have always kept house and worked, that is what a woman does. And I know someone needs to take care of Caleb and it may as well be me, but I feel like right now my days are just spent sleeping and eating. I know things will change as Caleb gets older and needs less as often but for now I kind of wish I had something to go to everyday, like work. I guess it just is hard when I cant do much around the house right now because of my incision and the whole feeding thing with Caleb is not going well. Before the day is out I may have to give him formula and to me that is the biggest failure out there, not being able to feed Caleb myself. I know I said I wouldnt get upset if I couldnt breastfeed, but I didnt actually think I’d have problems doing so. Now I face a supply and demand problem, Caleb wants it and I cant seem to give enough. There have been issues since day one of breastfeeding, and I was doing good dealing with it and coped by pumping my milk for Caleb to have. but now that isnt cutting it, I am simply not producing enough. I attempted breastfeeding again last night. So far it’s been a fify fifty thing, half of the time he latches on and it fine, but then the next time I try he doesnt want to even try – so I had to give him a bottle of pumped milk. So I guess if things were easier taking care of Caleb on my own all day then maybe I’d think it isnt too bad an idea staying home with him, but I cant help but think of all the things that I could be doing and doing right at work. I guess I just wasnt prepared to not be a good mom. Okay, I know I am probalby doing the best I can but it still is hard when Caleb cries forever for no reason and nothing I do comforts him. And of course he is never like that when Dean or anyone else is around, so I wonder if I am the problem. Who knows. Point is, on top of issues with Caleb and the move I dont really know how I feel about anything. I cant say if I want to stay home with Caleb or go back to work. I cant say if I think the move is a good thing for us or not. I just dont know. I guess in time I will figure it all out, but for now I’d rather not talk about the move with anyone because how can you talk about something when you dont even know how you feel about it or even the details of how or when exactly it is going to take place?
