Why is life so difficult? I mean, sometimes things will be going so smoothly and you look around and think to yourself, hey we’ve got it pretty good right now. Just this morning I was sitting in the baby’s room thanking God for all of the things we’ve been blessed with. Our townhouse isn’t spectacular, and yes we’ve been waiting on the maintainance man to come fix even more bathroom problems, but overall we’ve got a pretty nice place for Caleb when he gets here. We’ve got more toys and clothes than he’ll probably need. We have a nice new computer, compliments of Dean’s hard work for the Know theater. It’s all just stuff though.
About 3 years ago I moved here(ohio) with nothing but the suitcase my grandmother gave me as a graduation present packed with the clothes my mother had bought for me. How did I get here? I was driven by a tall gorgeous man who is now my husband. He whisked me away to a little suburb in Ohio that I’d never heard of before. Why did I come? To be free of my parents and all of the problems associated with my family and friends that had come to a climax in the last few months before my leaving. I didnt have it bad, not at all, but I was young and the only way I knew to cope with problems was to run from them, a lesson I’d learned from my parents. So I left it all behind, and figured it would all sort itself out in time. When I got here I moved in with Dean’s parents, I had a small room with just a bed and a dresser that they provided for me. I was happy, as long as I had Dean by my side. A few months later we got married. We got our own place, and filled it with what little we had given to us and with lots of yard sale and auction furniture. It was our place. Today we live in a nicer place than our first one, but still only have a few articles of furniture that we spent real money for, most of it is still old used furniture, and much of what we own we are still paying off credit cards for. It’s been three years, and since I moved here I have grown a lot – in my marriage and as an individual. I’ve since dealt with most if not all of the problems I was fleeing from when I came here, yet there are still a few loose ends that I doubt will ever be dealt with in entirety.
The decisions I made then changed my life forever. Less than a year ago we found out we were going to have a baby. We had never decided not to have children, and never did anything to prevent us from having children, another thing we probably should have considered before deciding or rather, not making a clear decision on. Today we face more decisions. We face these decisions with a lot more maturity and reason behind us, yet we also have a lot more to consider now. Not only will we be deciding on our future as individuals and a couple, but the things we do today will forever change our son’s life, a life that he hasnt even been able to enjoy with us yet. I know many of you may be thinking, what on earth is she talking about, and all I can say is, every day we are faced with new and exciting things in our lives. Sometimes we are faced with choices that seem trivial and take little thought to decide on, but now, as we prepare to become parents, there will be no more decisions that are trivial or minute. Everything we do, say, think or act will affect not only us but our family! It’s a very scary thought. We’ve had three years together as a couple and in that time we made many decisions and also didnt make a lot of decisions, or rather let fate decide for us on things, now we must think things through much more clearly. These are the things you dont think about when you look at those two little lines on the home pregnancy test, there are a lot of things you dont consider when buying that first baby outfit. And before you know it, you are hit head on by the mack truck containing every fear and concern you could possibly have about having a family, and the irony of it all, is that when Dean and I first met years ago, we were just children ourselves, now here we are having a child of our own. Life is a cycle, we can change certain things in our life, but I earnestly believe that all of those years ago when we met, Dean & I, God was up in heaven smiling down on us, thinking, if they only knew what their lives will be like in 13 years from now- and yes we make decisions every day but H knows what choices we will make even before we are faced with the question. Sometimes I wonder why I even stress over things because no matter how hard or long I worry and fret over something, the end result will always be the same, for God knows our every thought and He knows where we will be 10 years from now, so even if we spend days weeks months on one choice in our life, He knew all along what we would decide. I just wonder why He doesnt fill us in so we wouldnt waste so much time worrying!
Sorry for getting all deep on everyone, it’s been a rather contemplative morning and I’ve had a lot on mind lately, more than I could fill up a 1000 page novel with, so to settle my brain I thought I’d blog a little, okay, a lot!
