My Barnabus

Folks keep asking how Dean and my mother in law are doing; and how I am doing.   I always say, that each day has it’s own challenges and that we know that we are more blessed than others.   This past weekend Dave’s message mentioned several families who are mourning the loss of a loved one who died after suffering a long battle with cancer.    I know, at least for me, I am not angry with God about Diaz’s death.   I know Diaz did not die in pain.   He went to sleep and did not wake up.  God graciously took him from one life to the next.  I firmly believe, somehow, Diaz was done his mission here and we all know he left behind a legacy that we are all proud of and that God would be proud of.   This softens the blow that we have been dealt.  This does not make it go away.  I still cry.   We all do.   I realized that I still come back to my blog, because I know I had one reader that always followed up and truly cared about what I was writing.  I was waiting for him to leave me feedback.  I kept waiting.   And I realized he wasn’t going to come back.   In that moment I realized, I missed Diaz a lot more than I thought I would.  I knew it would be hard for all of us, I never realized how much I relied on him for his encouragement.   For his fatherly words of encouragement.  He would often call me to check up on me after reading my facebook status or reading a blog entry if he knew I needed help with the kids.  In fact, the day of the night he died, he had called and asked me if I needed him to come during his lunch break to watch the kids because they were home from school for a snow day and I had a doctors appointment to go.  Since I didn’t know how long I’d be and I knew he had limited time for lunch I told him Dean was going to do it, but I could tell he was having a rough day at work and also realized how much he wanted me to know he was trying to be there for me when I was having a bad day too.   I regret not letting him spend his lunch break with the kids that day.   His last day.    I’ll never forget that conversation.   He told me he loved.    He was always there for us, even when I was being a pain and the typical “daughter-in-law”.  Even though we’re joyful that Dad’s in a better place, we’ll always be a little sad for the hole we have in our hearts and in our lives.    I wish I had told him how I felt.   I hope he knew.