I always joke when we do something wrong that “now the kids are going to need therapy for sure.” Well today we took Bo to an appointment with a “dr” to “talk.” Turned out it was just Dean and I she really needed to see, and she’s referring us to Children’s hospital to get Bo tested for sensory disorders.  She thinks his irrational outbursts are related to over stimulation, and are not a “mental” problem.    I know he’s got a sensory problem, but I’m not sure it is all a sensory issue either, but we are not the experts.
We made Bo’s appointments weeks ago, while on the brink of feeling like we were one step short of driving him to the hospital ER because we just didn’t know what to do with his behavior.  Between now, then and dealing with the trauma from a few months ago, the loss of a dad, the thoughts of my dad being so near death for so long and now awaiting open heart surgery; I’ve been thinking a lot about my mental clarity.  For months I’ve been on the brink of something; sometimes it’s a melt down or sometimes it’s overwhelming joy that I got through a day without one more thing thrown our way.  While contemplating my reactions to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and how my son was dealing with his perceiving “injustices” in his small little world, I realized that how I deal with life is much the same as I always have. I look at life the same way now as I did when I was 6, and sadly sometimes I react to it just like I did when I was 6. I still sometimes throw a full blown temper tantrum.  Sometimes I am filled with so much excitement about something that I feel like screaming about it from the rooftops. Other times, I am so devastated by the little things that I want to thrown myself on the floor in the middle of the room and say “woe is me” (like Bo did last week!)
Right after I left Bo’s appointment today, I went to my appointment with my new psychiatrist.  I was prepared with my medical history, neatly printed out from my home computer that included my current meds, past surgeries and current and past doctors.   As she asked about my medical history, she finally got to the meat of the matter and asked what brought me to her.  I told her while trying to process my son’s behavior and some recent trauma, and she had the nerve to interrupt me!  Well, I somehow managed to forget that sitting before me was someone who I was going to have to recant the thrilling tale of how I met a terrorist and turned him over to the FBI, all while trying to sound like I’m not crazy.  I realized it has been months since I’d told the tale and didn’t look at her until I was done talking about it and she was in shock.  She tried to keep on track about things and ask other health related questions but she kept coming back to it. Finally she said, I’m sorry I have to ask, and she asked for details, not because they would help me process any but because she was curious.  I laughed.  I told her I was sorry and said, I understand, it’s shocking, I am just over it and I forgot it’s news to you.  So I let her ask questions about it, but I realized I was truly over it.  I wasn’t there to deal with the trauma I’d be through.  I was there for something else, and I knew that.
Sometimes life throws things our way.  We can choose how we react to them. Sometimes we can control if we throw ourselves on the floor and scream and shout about it, but for some of us, it’s truly something we can’t control.  A long time ago I realized there was more to my insanely clean house, and my inability to not leave the house without doing certain things or having things done a certain way, and more importantly, I realized I am sick of not having control over why I do things and why I can’t not do them.  I realized I don’t want my 6 year old to live the rest of his life feeling this way because no one took the time to listen to his cries for help.  I’m going to see a doctor for myself and for my family, and hopefully we’ll all get a little free in the process, and maybe our house will get a lot dirtier in the process too! (and I won’t care)
The funny part was, I don’t which problem was the kicker, but she agreed I should talk to a therapist as well as see her for medication management, take your pick:
A) guest living in your house confesses to terrorism and you get him deported
B) your father in law dies
C) your estranged father comes back in to your life, but is extremely unhealthy and is awaiting open heart surgery so you don’t know how much more time you have left to get to know him or your kids to get to know him
D) Your parents divorced when you were 6, your mom re-marries when you are 10, 1st step-dad sucks (need I say more?)
E) you have 3 kids, you are trying to juggle college, taking care of the house, and volunteer full time, while dealing with chronic illness
F)your friends made fun of you when you were younger, um whose didn’t!?
H)High school – I am not even going to mention all the details….
G)really I have to pick just 1!?
Thing is, we can’t expect life to be easy.  In fact, if you are doing things right, the more wrong things tend to happen! We can control, to an extent how we react to our circumstances. To the best of my ability, I’ve tried to respond positively to the situations I’ve been through, but at some point we can’t do it alone. I just wanted to share because I wanted my friends, and family to know it’s okay to need and accept help, whether it be medically, or just from a friend’s listening ear (or a pastoral one).  There’s always going to be ups and downs in life, but at some point you can start to take responsibility for how you react to things.    We’ve had more than our fair share of bad things happen in the last 12 months, and we’re doing our best to keep on going and to keep being an example to our kids, but sometimes there’s not much you can do when your body and brain are working against you.  So we’re keeping our head and hearts in the game as much as possible, but it’s not without a little help from our friends (and doctors!) Don’t think any less of us, but I thought it might help some of you who also might be suffering in your own silent way to know it’s okay and that you are not alone.  Also, if you are suffering and need help, to know it’s okay to seek it out, and it’s better to ask for help publicly than to suffer in silence.
